dying, ip@ds and re-writes.

my dad is dying and it sucks. it hurts me more than i can describe. i hate this, i hate this, i hate this. the other day i got a little bit of $ in the mail. that little bit would be enough to enable me to buy an ip@d to entertain myself, to help me avoid this pain, but then i went to the usu bookstore and played with one. it’s cool, pretty cool, but it needs more development, and a camera, and the ability to annotate pdfs like the preview program on my m@cbook. it’s not 500.00 cool. and even if it were, it wouldn’t stop my dad from dying, it wouldn’t make this pain go away. this is the first i’ve been through this level of grief and i’m doing horrible with it. i haven’t talked to him since tuesday because i’m too afraid of the pain it’ll bring. i’m afraid to talk to my family because as real as this pain is right now, talking to my family will only make it more real. i suck at this and i don’t want to. i want to be the strong daughter who flies back and holds his hand through this, each breath him not doubting how much i love him, each breath knowing i love him with all my heart and back and forth and back and forth……………….

i hate this. i absolutely hate this.  like vickie said the other day – harry isn’t supposed to die in the end, it’s supposed to be voldemort and in the books that’s what happens.  in this case, though, harry – my dear harry hull – is dying, it’s supposed to be the cancer, and god damnit – as much as i know i can’t have a re-write, i want one. i want a re-write. i hate that this story is ending too soon, i need this book to be longer, i need it to be a lot longer. the person i love most in the the world is dying and it hurts, it just hurts.

3 Responses

  1. Benjamin Ady Says:

    Amazing Brooke,

    Why do you add suffering to your pain by being so unkind to yourself? What would happen if instead of saying to yourself “I suck at this”, you said instead “I am doing my very best with this, and that’s not merely enough–that’s perfect–the way in which I am handling this is perfect and amazing.”?

    Please feel free to tell me to shut the fuck up. I’m doing a little meditation for you right now, thinking good thoughts for you during this time of grieving.

  2. Janelle Says:

    hugs. If you were near, I’d have a kiddo for you to escape with, arms for hugging, and yummy food that’s good for you too (I make sweet (and can share the recipe if you like) oatmeal-chocolate chip cookies that have ww flour, less sugar and are, sometimes, vegan too!).

  3. susie robertshaw Says:

    It is so hard. I think your dad would want us to realize how hard it is when we think about how we are dealing with it. Avoiding thinking about it at times. But remembering the sweetness of his life along with feeling the sorrow of it all.

    I’m going up there probably next week (19th?). I will decide once I talk to Kathy and Tom and Janet, who arrived there tonight. You?