rivervision

it’s been a year since you left us too soon, my friend. just so you know, you are missed.

There’s nothing else they can do, he’s going home.

as readers of this blog may be able to tell, my dad and his health are on my brain a lot right now. i’ve been talking to aunt s (dad’s sis) every day, sometimes multiple times a day. (side note: that has been such a gift, auntie s. i was always fond of that woman growing up, but this last week, walking through this with her has, impossibly, made me even more fond of her.) and brother z and i, the love in texts these past few days since he was up in NYC with our father has been greater than i could have imagined. yep, z and i, though nearly a continent apart, are as a united front as we can be and that feels nice. and even stepsister s. yep yep – i’m learning to be a researcher and one thing in qualitative research is triangulation – can you verify your findings with 3 sources? and so when i need triangulation (grim? scary? cancer in the bone marrow?) i call stepsister s. another gift.

but that’s not the point of this post. as readers of this blog also know – i am a woman of faith. liberal faith.. okay, not liberal – my faith is very strong and conservative, but i think God has a lot fewer rules about who is allowed his grace and entrance into his kingdom than so many of my kind. this is considered a liberal faith, but i consider it simply following the words of Jesus and thus God.

so yeah, faith. i am a woman of faith. and another gift of this horrible time is that i find myself turning to God. God and i don’t actually get along that well. i turn away from Him when it comes to my own health struggles. i know i shouldn’t, but i do blame Him for not making himself blatantly present when my health issues cause me a turn through hell. but this has been different. i guess it’s easy to turn to him when it’s not me who is suffering? i guess so.

so yeah, woman of faith, dad in horrible pain & suffering, me turning to God. following? i’m getting to my point. so, i read a lot of blogs. i’m getting my phd in the internet, so yeah, it makes sense i read a lot of blogs. and many of those blogs are in the cancer world. and in the last 5 years i’ve read a lot of blogs written by loved ones who’s loved ones are dying and have died of cancer. and in many of those blogs i read prayers for a miracle.. people praying that God will make the cancer go away and save their loved one. and so, as a woman of faith – of course i’ve thought about that. praying for my papa to be healed, following the example of so many wise and strong people of faith. why shouldn’t i pray for this? it’s okay, right?

i am – a woman of faith, with a dad in horrible pain, turning to God, but i’m a pessimist. i read blog after blog of people praying for healing for their loved one, and i think over and over.. “ain’t gonna happen.” okay, and fyi – i don’t write this to people, i don’t want to crush their faith or step on how they are coping, but that’s what i think.

so on saturday the dear pr. corinne at the local elca lutheran church gave me some of her time. and i talked to her about this. about how when i think about dad and i turn to God, i don’t pray for a miraculous healing, no – what i pray for instead is peace for my dad. and if that peace comes through some miraculous healing or if it comes through great pain meds and being surrounded by people that love him when he dies (and, NOTE: we don’t know when that will be, the docs HAVE NOT sent him home on hospice, but realistically, dad will die some day, we all d0) – that’s what i want for this man that i love more than there are words for.

side note: i started going to first presbyterian when i first got home from 2 weeks touring the west bank of palestine. i had just witnessed and learned about the horrors of living in an occupied country – surrounded by the narrative of the holocuast.  i got home struggling with how God allowed the holocaust to happen, and how God allows the current horror of the palestinians to occur, along with all the other horrible horrors throughout the world and in people’s lives. and as i was reading pr. paul’s words in his past sermons i came across this:

“God promises not to remove our darkness in the present, but to walk with us each step we take through it.”

he said this in his first sermon as the new pastor at first presby in logan. it was the answer i (note the emphasized I, i don’t assume this answer works for everyone) had been looking for during times when i didn’t even know i was looking, and it was the answer i  needed after getting back from the west bank.

and so pr. corinne and i talked about this, my not praying for a miraculous healing. i brought it up because i was afraid that my bitterness was getting in the way of true hope for my dad, i was afraid that i would be thought of less, and that i wasn’t giving God the credit for what he’s able to do. and she said it was okay. she assured me that as we continue on this journey with my dad that it’s okay to be my realistic self while holding up my father to God and that God gets it.

it’s rough. he’s still in the hospital. not sure when he’s going to leave. maybe next thursday or friday? or this monday? it’s just bad. reports from my step sister are that the pain he’s been in has been tremendous.. horrible. my brother said the best time is when he’s asleep. he let my brother take a picture tonight and send it to me.. he looks bad. and no, i can’t share it, i had to promise. not even auntie s gets to see it (sorry).

this is breaking my heart. a lot.

the last couple of weeks has been hell. really. last week was my hell. last week my illness was in a huge flair up. i spent a good portion of the week lost. then saturday the stuff with dad started. dad in his own hell. and then i got a horrible chest cold, and so even if i needed to back i couldn’t.  today i saw my friend linda, who is also a nurse practitioner at student health and she gave me some kicking antibiotics. i took the first dosage at lunch, and already feel so much better. i’ll continue on the course – taking 2 antibiotics. i just talked to family – again. dad is off of iv pain meds, and is now taking pain meds by mouth. and there is some talk that he’s getting out of the hospital soon. and i’m not feeling foggy headed anymore. i’ll go back to virginia soon. i’ll talk to my uncle and he’ll give me some frequent flyer, thank you uncle t.

and now i’m off to ash wednesday service. after the last couple of weeks i’ve had i need a bit of god. my pastor won’t be there, but sweet pr. corinne (ELCA) & pr. susan (episcopal) will be leading the services. really, corinne is wonderful and susan – well, i’ve been meaning to go visit her church.

i’ve spent the day trying to suss out whether to travel to NYC right now. i’m sick, i have my proposal defense coming up. sick = can’t see him, proposal defense – i can reschedule.  i think i’m leaning towards heading out there after next thursday afternoon. going to see dad when he gets home. even though every cell in my body wants to be there, with my dad. this is hard.

i’ve talked more to my family in the last 3 days than i have in a long time combined. 2 – 3 calls a day of updates or updating about my father. i think it’s safe to say the situation now with dad’s health is scaring us all.  yes, yes.

what i know is that dad is himself. a little doped up, but he’s himself. he’s eating, making jokes, getting up and walking around. he’s had two blood transfusions, an mri & cat scan. he had those today. will we know what’s up by tomorrow? everything i read about mskcc is that, yes, it is very likely that tomorrow we’ll know what the situation with his cancer is. one thing that keeps echoing in all our conversations is, yes, it sucks that he’s in the hospital, but at least he’s at sloan. these people know him, and have for 5 years. apparently they also really like him too – they’ve stopped in to see him since he got admitted. and, from everything i read, mskcc is one of the top cancer centers in the world.

*sigh*

as i go to sleep tonight i pray that some of the worst fears being echoed throughout conversations doesn’t come true. there are a lot of worse fears, but they are laced with hopes and prayers. he’s a good man. he’s hard headed and thinks he’s right all the time, but he’s a good man. he’s worked hard to be my dad, especially in the last 10 years. i’ve been blown away by how he’s stepped up over the last 10 years. i really do love him. i’ve always loved that man. if i have a favorite person in the world, it’s probably him. even if he does drive me nuts with all the “i’m right about everything and do it my way” crap.  :)

i think it’s bed time now. i have a cold and a long day tomorrow.

dad is having scans today to see where things are. and apparently he’s struggling with being in the hospital – in that, he really hates being there and, i suspect, not being in control.  i don’t know if this is the way it is for everyone, but i can tell you this runs in our family.  i had surgery in early 2006 and i was supposed to be in recovery for 3 hours, but i was there for 30 minutes and out of there by 3.30 after surgery at 7am. i hated it that much i was determined to get the f out of there. unfortunately for dad it’s not so easy to bust out.

i talked to him yesterday and they had him on one of those pain buttons – where he had control. he said things went from crappy to horrible back to sorta crappy. i suspect they went back to horrible over night. all i can do from utah is worry and pray. even if i were there right now i couldn’t be with him as i’m battling some kind of cold thingy and some kind of cold thingys are simply not allowed around cancer patients.

i hate that that man has to go through this. i wish i could trade places with him. he needs to be at home with his animals, his hsing-i, and his boat.

my dad’s been admitted to mskcc for pain management. apparently the pain has gotten really bad the last couple of weeks. my stepmom (via my aunt) said that this has been typical of the trial he’s on. still, it’s scary, especially since i’m so far away.

There is very little that I hate, I mean really hate. I talk big talk about hating such and such and so and so, but if pressed to remember my pacifist core there isn’t much I can justify hating.

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