obituary

this is, at least the third one i’ve put here. *sigh*

M. Melissa Edwards

DEXTER — M. Melissa Edwards of Dexter died Jan. 28 at age 52. The family chose not to list the cause of death. A memorial service is planned at a later date.

She was born Aug. 30, 1959, in Arkansas to James and Frances Edwards.

She worked as a certified public accountant for local business and accounting firms and at the HIV Alliance.

Survivors include her mother, now of Desert Palms, Calif.; a daughter, Kaillyn Sledge of Dexter; two sisters, Becky Edwards of Desert Palms and Pat Edwards of British Columbia, Canada; and a brother, Doug of Arkansas.

Arrangements by Andreason’s Cremation & Burial Service in Springfield. In lieu of flowers, remembrances may be sent to the American Cancer Society.

drafting

drafting as in, my chair, and 2 other committee members, have a FULL draft of my dissertation. no, this is not the first time any of them have seen any of it.. my chair has seen the 3 critical chapters – lit review, phase 1 and phase 2 of the study. once these three read and i make changes so that they are happy, i get to defend.

maybe i’ll pull this off? oh holy me. goodness. i guess it’s a couple of pretty special angels i have up there helping? glad one of them is a professor emeritus and the other was good with numbers. oh, i still wish they were here though.

onward.

the story of our friendship.

melissa and i met through, what was then, a mutual friend (mf). i met our mf at a heart of now workshop and we just clicked. mf founded the amazing organization, LEAD. i’m not sure when i first met melissa – i’m thinking it may have been knitting. mf, melissa, and i are all knitters, and mf wanted to get together for a knitting circle. i think that’s when i met melissa for the first time. either that or at mf’s birthday party. i have a picture of melissa and i on mf’s couch at that birthday party, and, i’m quite certain it is the only picture of us together. i also have a hat she made. well, melissa didn’t intend for the hat to be a hat, it was supposed to be a purse. she brought it to one of our knitting circles and was talking about how it didn’t come out right, how it seemed to be too small to be a purse. me being who i am, i took it from her and put it on my head. honestly she thought i was being ridiculous – wearing a purse for a hat, but it made for the perfect hat for me. okay, it was a little tight, but through the years that purse hat has stretched and it’s my warmest hat i have. i know it made her smile when is sent her a picture of me wearing her purse hat up at temple fork. i wore it because it’s my best winter hat, and because melissa made it.

so, melissa and i didn’t meet until less than a year before i moved to utah for school. the time we had in eugene together though – well, it cemented this friendship. we went through similar things with mf personally (not professionally). we spent a lot of time just processing what we both experienced because it was nothing like either of us had ever experienced before.

our friendship was one that seemed to be, well, separate sort of. it was this sweet sweet relationship that i had outside of my circle of friends. yes, melissa was a justice seeker, but she did it in other ways than i did.

once i left melissa remained present in my life. i remember going to eugene once and had an evening where i felt kicked out of the friend’s house i was staying at (i wasn’t kicked out, my friend had birth family from the east coast in and she wanted to spend time with them, just her and them). i went to a park feeling sorry for myself, feeling abandoned, feeling rejected. i called mel and she was home and my evening went from feeling dejected to reconnecting with my dear friend. melissa was just who i needed to see in that moment, only i didn’t know it until i called her.

the last time i was in eugene was 2008? i think. it was a long time ago, but melissa stayed present on the phone. she put me on her a-list, so she could talk to me without going over her minutes! i felt honored. sometimes we’d go months without talking, but when we did reconnect it really and truly was one of those moments where no time had passed. other than filling in a few details for context, there we were, her in dexter, me in logan, processing hard stuff, and laughing about the ridiculous. she was my grounding stone.

we tried to find ways to get together. she talked about coming out to logan, about she and her blessed daughter k coming to logan to go camping and playing in the outdoors and hanging with me and my cats. we talked about meeting half-way too. we just couldn’t get it to happen. we still talked on the phone, as much as we could.

in february 2010 i found out that my dad was dying of his cancer. i know that the first person i called in eugene was melissa. i kept it from a lot of others there. i don’t know why, it just felt better that way. melissa was my grounding person, the one i could call with my burdens who i knew i wasn’t adding to already held burdens. there was a seamlessness to our friendship that i can’t describe. during much of my life i didn’t have any friends, then in eugene i found some. i got blessed with my friends sue and jen, and melissa. i don’t love melissa anymore than sue and jen, but what made our friendship was a different recipe than what makes my relationships with sue and jen. i can’t explain it, except that it was seamless, easy, and we knew that we loved each other as much as dear friends can love each other.

so, feb 2010 my dad started his dying process. i think it was march that melissa was diagnosed with stage 1 cancer. that time is a blur, but i remember spending lots of time on the phone with her talking to her about her diagnosis and treatment and my father dying. it was surreal. then dad died, and soon melissa was declared NED. life was going back to what it was, only with her having healed a part of her that hadn’t healed (not physically). it was good for her to go through that stage 1, for the most part.

then october came. and she called and told me she was in the hospital. they got the tumor on her brainstem, but then she faced the news that her team of docs had for her – that she wouldn’t make it to june 2011. stupid doctors, did they not really understand who they were treating? i think it was good they told her that, because then she could prove them wrong. really, idiots. they were dealing with a woman stronger than they could imagine. luckily her beloved main oncologist, dr. garrett, knew who she was dealing with – even though dr. garrett seemed to believe this too. i know that dr. g also knew melissa’s strength.

of course when melissa was diagnosed the first time i questioned her docs. i didn’t do a lot of questioning though, because it was stage 1. my auntie s had dealt with stage 1. compared to my dad’s cancer, stage 1 is nothin’. my questioning changed when she got her stage 4b diagnosis. i questioned who this dr. garrett was. i questioned her abilities. mel knew i was doing this out of love. i wanted melissa to go to sloan kettering, because they’d given dad so much extra time. she didn’t want to travel that far though, she didn’t want to uproot her life, she didn’t want to cause havoc in k’s life. i also told her about huntsman, down in slc. i told her what my blessed friend j said in not so many words – that if mel came to salt lake that i wouldn’t be the only one here to help her. yeah, crazy mormons that i love and adore, willing to offer help to a hippie from dexter who they didn’t even know.

i was reassured about dr. g when i heard that k, who melissa said has an inherent mistrust of doctors, had given dr. g her approval. yeah, yeah, k was only 16, but she is a badass, and i figured if badass k trusted doc g, so would i.

of course melissa plowed right through june 2011. she had what she wanted – a summer with k. they had a good summer, from all i could tell over the phone lines. and, of course, she was pursuing treatments, and i was on the other end of the phone with my computer and my access to articles and my knowledge of tracking things down on the internet. i read about cancer. i talked to people here in logan, i emailed a cancer survivor friend in seattle. i did everything i could to support mel from utah, and she assured me that doing what i was doing meant that i was supporting her. of course, we not only talked about the particulars of cancer, we also talked about the emotional side. unlike my dad, i got to do that with mel. we spoke the same emotional language. we talked about death and dying, about support for k, about k going to college, about financial things and what she was doing to give k as much of a nest egg as possible if she died. she told me about buying a car for k. she told me about her trips to the beach, about going to nyc with k, she made me envious because so many people were surrounding her and she was spending time in parts of oregon that i missed. she was having a great time living it up.

things started going downhill this fall. i waffled a lot on whether to go. i finally realized i suck at death. i’m a chicken shit when it comes to death. i did everything i could to rationalize not going to see her. i stayed on the phone with her, oh yeah, but going to see her? that was too scary. luckily i could tell mel that, what i learned about myself. of course melissa was so understanding and she didn’t get mad at me. she did say she wanted to see me, i did know that, but she wasn’t mad.

i ended up being given a gift by another logan friend. she’d drive with me most of the way to eugene. i’d drop her off in hood river, go down to eugene for 2 days, see mel, and then drive back. we were supposed to go 2 weeks ago, but 2 weeks ago there was ice covering 84 through the gorge (columbia) and snow in utah and idaho. no thanks, especially that damn ice in the gorge.

we spent last week looking at the weather. it was looking good and i knew the trip was going to be a go. we finalized that on friday night (27th). logan friend and i were going on a road trip and i was gonna get to see mel, and JEN! and SUE! and eat tofu pate and go to my favorite used bookstore. i was gonna get to hold her hand, and look into her eyes, and she was gonna be patient with me as i told her how much i loved her. and i was gonna respect her boundaries and only tell her i loved her a few times, because, as she put it on the phone, she got it. i was packed, ready to go, and then the 1.34 call came. the trip was cancelled.

it’s monday. i have a dissertation to write, but that feels overwhelming. i emailed k and told her about a financial commitment i was making to her education. i told her how much her mother loved her. i told her what melissa told me, that she was the greatest gift that melissa ever got. i didn’t know how she’d respond, because, really, k doesn’t know me very well. i’m this friend from far away who doesn’t know the rest of mel’s circle.

now it was k’s turn to reassure me. k responded. she told me she knew how much i love(d) her mother. she told me her mother told her that i’d be there to support her, and that my email proved it. k really is a piece of her mother. k really is her mother’s daughter. k wants to stay in touch, and she accepted my financial offer for her future education. i need to respond to her email and let her know how much it means she wants to stay in touch, but i don’t want to sound needy. i need to be the adult. it just means so much to me that k will let me be a part of the circle that melissa set out to create to support k when melissa was gone. she was purposeful about this circle. she needed to know that there was going to be a circle of women that would be there for k. i told melissa i’d do anything i could. i told melissa that k was already in my will and would be until the day i die. i don’t know how much $ k will get when i die (not planning to anytime soon), but every dollar helps. including k in my will, doing what i can, and what k will let me, to support k is my way of honoring my sister-friend. this time the tables are turned – i’m a friend of the parent who has passed away, instead of the child of the parent. maybe i can offer things to k that friends of my father can offer me (even though i was 20 years older than k is now when my father died). mel and i were dear friends for a reason, we’re a lot a like, and i’ll do what i can to keep the side of melissa i knew alive for her daughter. it’s an honor to be able to hold that, and i don’t take the responsibility lightly.

i miss you melissa. i love you melissa. now i’ve done what i can to write the story of our friendship. i know there’s more, there’s always more, but i can’t remember it all, and to really have it written down, you’d have to write your story. you can’t, so, we’ll have to accept what we have. right? it’s about acceptance, as much as we hate acceptance sometimes, we really gotta accept so we can move forward.. not so we can move on, but so we can move forward while keeping the past close to our hearts.

Never sure what to say.

Okay, so, Melissa died on Saturday night. What I know is that she’d taken a turn for the worst suddenly Wednesday or Thursday. It was unexpected, I know. The week before she was busy lecturing me on taking care of myself (and I her, of course, that’s how we ran – lecturing each other on things we knew, like being sure to take care of ourselves). I had to put my trip to see her off for a week, 1 simple, short week, because of ice in the Gorge and snow elsewhere. I was called at 1.34am. My alarm was set for 5.15am. Of course Melissa had wonderful friends, and on the other end of the phone was one of them. “I have something devastating to tell you.” She died peacefully in her sleep. She and I talked a lot about how she wanted to die, and this was how she wanted to die – peacefully, without pain, in her sleep. God bless. If she had to leave us, leaving us the way she wanted to is the best and most wonderful way for her to do so.

I’m back in shock. I was in shock after Dad died, and now I’m back in shock at Melissa’s death. *sigh*

Okay. *sigh*

gone.

She left peacefully in her sleep Saturday night. I didn’t make it to say good-bye in person. Please keep my sister-friend Melissa’s daughter K in your prayers.

I love you Melissa. Thank you for being my friend.

a little light.

chair just told me that i don’t need to write a discussion chapter for my dissertation, that i just need to write a conclusion. why? because i have 2 research phases that include a discussion. that means there’s an end in sight because the conclusion is about 1/2 way done. some light in this dark week. thank God.

oh that and my 1 hour long conversation with my blessed and amazing friend Jen, who, God willing, I get to see SUNDAY night, at her home, in Eugene. she speaks activism, and emotions. one sentence we’re talking about “is the black block a part of occupy eugene?” and the next sentence “so, how is xx dealing with his bipolar?”.. i can’t wait. i’m so glad i know her, and sue, and melissa. if you knew them you’d be glad you knew them too.

hard.

i nearly quit this stupid dissertation. i’ve had it with all the bs that goes in to it. i’ve spent a lot of time pulling myself up from the pits. i’ve spent a lot of energy continuing to move forward. i got some feedback the other day that pushed me over the edge. it was the kind of feedback that was supposed to be helpful but wasn’t explanatory. it was feedback on a part of this thing that i’ve struggled with, a lot. i’ve fought with this part, i’ve read and talked and asked for individual lectures and taken notes on those individual lectures. i’ve gotten understandings in the middle of the night. the problem is, i still can’t do it. i can’t wrap my head around it. this shit is hard.

on top of the pile of shit that is my dissertation is everything else. it’s melissa dying. dammit, melissa is dying. it’s feeling taken advantage of. it’s feeling misunderstood. it’s loneliness. it’s hearing people make social plans around me and knowing i’m not included. it’s feeling like i’m just someone people put up with rather than someone people actually want around. it’s knowing i’m not anyone’s primary concern, that i’m not anyone’s primary person. it’s dad’s death. it’s letting down people, constantly. it’s so much more that people just can’t understand. and it’s reaching the end of my rope and having the dissertation on top of it all.

yeah, yeah. this is all feeling sorry for myself and crap, but i don’t care. people don’t know half the crap i carry. people don’t know what i deal with daily. i don’t tell anyone, i keep it to myself. okay, one other person knows, but they can’t tell anyone. frankly, i get to feel this way, more than i do. or at least more than i tell anyone.

and yeah, i know that people all over the world have it much worse than me. that’s why i hate how hard it is for me. someone with my privilege shouldn’t struggle so much. someone with all i have shouldn’t have to work so hard to get to where i want to be. i have a lot of privilege in this world, even in the US, but it’s so fucking hard. i hate it. i hate how hard it is for me because i want to be helping those who it is even harder for. i want my privilege to work for them, in the way they want it to work for them. i don’t want it to be so hard for me so i can’t help them.

if the weather forecast stays as it is right now i’ll be headed to oregon sunday. i’ll cry a lot. i get to see my friend jen though. and sue. jen is super sarcastic and makes me laugh, a lot. plus she’s got a justice seeking heart, mind and soul, is freakishly smart, and gets me. she misses me too. she’s got cat’s whose crap i don’t have to worry about. i can’t wait to see her, and sue, and melissa. and to enjoy some good hippie cooking. yeah, i plan to eat out, a lot, in the 2 days i’m there. i miss good hippie cooking.

staying.

the weather bites right now. it’s all icey and stuff in the columbia gorge. and it is FINALLY snowing in logan – on saturday night. so we’re going to, God willing, go next week.

oh, and i did 2.5 hours of tae kwon do practice today. good for me, i think.

onward.

work, drive, leave, take.

they are verbs, ala erin & vickie. i figured i should put something here because it’s been 9 days! since i put something here.

the last 9 days have been a haze. i’m busy, really busy. all day monday is science ed class that i’m ta-ing in. tuesdays and thursdays are 7.30-8.20am tae kwan do and then 2.30-3.20pm tai chi. wednesdays are stats days all day. thursdays at 3.30 are another meeting. friday 9.30-10.30 is meeting with my favorite professor to write and research. in between is running stats for some really cool special ed work, mentoring a wonderful doc student, letting my brain take a break, writing my dissertation, reading articles for various things, and trying to get some job apps done. i call this “practicing to be a faculty member.” i’m building my stamina. i’m learning how to use coffee more effectively, and sunflower seeds, and carrots, chocolate, pasta cups, applesauce, and water too.

i’m buying technology like it’s going out of style. that’s what i seem to spend the weekends doing. or the weekdays.. yesterday it was an e-book reader. or, as i like to call it, a pdf reader that is less cumbersome than my computer. i think i like it, but it doesn’t have the smell that books have.. but, when i’m going to work with someone on stats at their house, lugging 50lbs of books around isn’t fun. hopefully this e-book reader will also become my stats library. i’m sad that the big red book – the psychometrics book that gives me some stats street cred – isn’t electronic. it’s a badass book. i’m also sad that i can’t find the HUGE non-parametric/parametric book either. those 2 books are really heavy. to be able to have them on the e-reader, which fits nicely in my pocketbook, would be nice.

on sunday i’m going to oregon. it’ll be a really quick trip. driving sunday, 2 days, driving back. i called my friend and told her i couldn’t wait to see her but i hated the reason i’m going. i’m driving to oregon, with the help of a blessed friend who will be dropped off in the gorge, the last major stop before pdx. it will be nice to have her for the hardest part of the drive, as well as the majority of it. i have errands to do in eugene. i need to bring home tofu pate, yumm! sauce, and books from my favorite used bookstore. i also need to bring home hugs and more recent minds-eye images of a few particular loved ones. most importantly i’ll be leaving a part of me there. *sigh*

death, again. i think this is a good-bye trip. i really fucking hate good-bye trips. i can’t believe this is the second fucking one during this process. stop. just stop. dying. actually, it’s the third one – because visiting my grandfather on 27 december 2009 with my father – i knew i’d never see him alive again. he was 93, not 53, and ready to die, not trying to live long enough to see a daughter graduate from high school.

i know, all this sounds depressing. in between it all i AM learning that i love doing research. i love being in academia. i’m getting to practice being a faculty member not only with everything going on, but with an office as well. i’m not paid, but i’ve been blessed with a really nice office that has a HUGE window. the window overlooks the atrium in the building and people on the other side of the atrium can see right in, but i don’t care. i am also on the top floor and so the glass ceiling lets in even more natural light. it’s letting me get work done, and feel professional, and forget that i’m not being paid.

i’m also getting to do a guest post over on another blog. i’m excited about that. i get to talk about faith issues. i’m a little nervous, but it’s a blog post, but i want it to be good, and the blog, well – it’s someone well known in the faith world.. or at least pretty well known.. at least among the presby usa church. i wonder if he knows i’m episcopalian now? hmm. i should let him know. hahahahaha. i don’t think he’ll mind, bruce reyes-chow is a good guy. i like the way he thinks, i like the way he writes. it’s too bad he left his church and isn’t a pastor anymore, because i know he was a good one. i met him through social media, social media i’m no longer participating in. if you go read his blog, his past posts, i’m sure you’ll like him too. (vickie – you know he was the previous moderator of GA for the PCUSA, right?)

okay. read, write, eat, mentor, clean. that’s what’s on the agenda for the rest of the day.

progress

i got an email from my chair. 2 of the 6 chapters of my dissertation can be sent out to the rest of my committee. she’s got one more in her hands. this means i can write my discussion and conclusion because she likes how i used mixed-methods. *whew*