March 01, 2003
ready to go home.

dad has let me sleep in this morning. i'm tired, exhausted and ready to go home. but there are storms in the southeast.. i hope that doesn't affect my flights.

Posted by brooke at 07.07.20 AM

February 28, 2003
rough day.

its been a long rough day. i can't wait to get home tommorrow. things are much safer in eugene.

i found out yesterday that d.h. who my mom and dad have known since before i was born died. dh has a daughter who is just a couple of months younger than i, we were in the same class in high school. dh and jr were married, they divorced and i guess you could say we got jr-- who was his wife-- in the divorce. it is jr that is helping me with my trip to greece.

anyhow, it just doesn't seem fair that ah (daughter) is going through this. she's too young too. her father was healthy, this was sudden. i feel absolutely awful for her. we aren't close at all, we don't even exchange emails, but she and her mother were huge influences in my identifying as a feminist. its just not fair. no, not fair.

okay, thats it. its late here on this coast.

Posted by brooke at 10.12.13 PM

February 27, 2003
long day.

its 1.14 est time. its been a long day. i've done a lot of packing of boxes, packed one of my own. i'll be getting a nice shipment in the mail at some point. lots of my grandmother's clothes, including some very old night gowns. just perfect.

spending time with my family has been great. i've gotten to really talk to my cousin silas's mom for the first time. s.o. she's great, facinating woman, so different in values than my aunt j. i'm glad she came down. in hindsight i'm terribly glad that i came. is that in hindsight?

my dad arrived today. couldn't let go of him at all. didn't realize how much i missed him or my stepmother or my brother.

beetle juice is on, i'm hungry, i should be asleep. but i'm hungry. gonna go seek out a snack machine, hopefully i've got ones.

i'm so glad y'all are here. reading your comments made me cry. thank you for caring. it means the world to me.

Posted by brooke at 10.19.38 PM

February 26, 2003

i'm in charleston, sc. my illness is at full bore and now all this.

Posted by brooke at 09.14.44 PM

February 24, 2003
stream of consciousness.

baba- thats what we all called her. she's the third grandparent to leave. i was closer to gammy, my other grandmother, but this is a lot harder.

my uncle tom arranged for me to fly home. i'm really not wanting to travel right now.

anyhow. i'm not all that together. this day has been lots of tears. i also went to the women in black vigil. tommorrow i'm going to talk to the oregon country fair folks about using their land for our peace action. i've let 2 of the women who want to help organize know that i'll be out of town. i still can't believe all this has happened. this is the most unreal thing i've ever gone through.

someone is going to pick me up at the airport on wednesday. not sure who. an aunt or uncle. i can't wait to see them. i'm stressed about the travel, but i can't wait to see them. i can't wait to see my aunt susie esp.

once i get there i'm gonna be strong. all of us who are coming are really there to support the siblings-- my father, uncle and aunt, cause they are at the front of this. first came my grandparents, then came harry and susie and tom, and then they brought the rest of us along. so, i'll be strong for them.

my mom, yes she's been divorced from this family for 24, 25, 26 years, but she is going to try to come down. she stayed close. i'm lucky. in fact baba and grandad (my father's parents) went to gammy and gepa's (my mothers parents) 50th wedding anniversary. i hope my mom is able to come down.

my perry and marsha live only an hour and a half away. i hope someone can lend me a car so i can dash up there and see them. perry said they might even consider coming down.

this is all such a weird thing.

my patience for the cats is nothing. i can't take the cold noses, the constant growling of max at smudge, ava's constant need to be on me.

my illness is bad, i'm stressed about greece, and this. i borrowed a book from my doc, i can't find it. i want to take it with me-- on death and dying by elisabeth kubler ross. plus its my doc's book and i need her energy with me. yes, i am very dependent on my doc and she knows it and she says its fine right now.

i also can't find either of my hats. i need my hats, but they are no where to be found. i don't like this. no, i don't like any of this.

but i do have clothes picked out. this is better than my grandfather's funeral.. i had an ugly red dress for this new body of mine. now i've got a nice green flowered dress, a black shirt with flowers on it to wear as a sweater, and i've got black tights. i'll also wear my birkenstocks and maybe a piece of jewelry from eithopia. yes, i feel much more prepared, much better.

and i've got this laptop now. i'll have a machine. this is good. i'll have the comfort of my computer, and a friend sent a beautiful apple icard. i'll have that with me. the comfort in digital.

mom said to bring the scrapbook she made me. i'll be doing that. i showed my doctor today, she really liked it. i'm gonna share it with my therapist tommorrow.

i need to find my docs book, my hat, and put all my clothes together. plus i might take out some cash to get it exchanged into euros at the portland airport.

i see my therapist first thing. i don't know what i'll do after that. maybe i'll go to the vigil in springfield tommorrow. it will give me something to do, time to focus on. but i have to leave my house at 4.30am on wednesday morning to get to the airport in portland. i could go up and stay in portland, but i need to be at home for as long as possible.

now if only i could find dr c's book, i'd feel so much better about leaving. its the comfort. later: i found dr c's book. i feel a bit better now. i am very likely to stop by her office for a hug tommorrow.

Posted by brooke at 11.19.37 PM

February 23, 2003
my mom rocks!

so, considering everything-- my birthday was wonderful. my stepsisters came down from corvallis and i got to spend a wonderful evening with them, learning things about them that i'd never known before. my friend r created a wonderful ambiance for my little gathering and my friend randy came and was her usual wonderful and loving self.

i took over to r's house a bud vase that i had gotten from my grandmother and some white roses. i wanted to have my her. and y'all didn't know this, and don't get any of the incredible cake- but you were there too. i brought my laptop. i told everyone "chel and lisa and roni and cinnamon and all my other blogging buddies are here now!"

i got a *beautiful* candle and a *great* book from my stepsisters-- "When God Was A Woman" by Merlin Stone. i can't wait to dive into it! and c and r gave me a card that is SOOO beautiful.

and my mother. my mother is incredible. she put together a huge scrapbook of my life. people and me from baby to now. it was the best present i could ever imagine getting. and the love that was put into it is indescribable. i am so lucky. the wonderful thing too was that there are lots of good pictures of my grandmother and my grandmother and i. and a birth announcement. she still has some of my birth announcements. very nice, just something i would design myself. pink paper, on the outside in wonderful little script "Brooke Robertshaw" and on the inside "Mary Brooke Robertshaw / February 23, 1973 / Harry and Dianne Robertshaw".. yes, i have been brooke all my life-- something i didn't know. this will be a gift i will treasure forever. now what to do about her 60th? i've got time :)

the only bad part of the night? now. my own idiocy. i've misplaced my meds. i've looked everywhere and can't find them. but i do have my xanax. i took them last night and have no idea where they ended up. i hope they didn't end up in the trash.

okay, i'm going to go to bed. it has been quite the day. i am a very lucky girl. yes, this i know.

Posted by brooke at 11.48.02 PM

ironically..

i'm attempting to straighten up my apartment, because my stepsisters are coming down. my attempt is failing miserable, cause i've got more than just straightening to do i discovered...

but. in my cleaning up i found an envelope with my grandmother's handwriting on it. i pulled out the card and it was the card she sent me for my birthday last year.

once my clothes dry i'm going to go out and get a rose to put in a little beat up vase that i got from my grandmother. i'll be taking that to my birthday celebration tonight, along with the card.

i've changed my mind about the funeral. i'm going to try to get there, but if i can't get there i'm going to head to south carolina anyways. there's a lot to do in the house and since i'm the only family member without any school or work obligations helping to deal with their home is the least i can do.

thank you to all of you who have sent kind notes. it means the world too me. really and truly.

Posted by brooke at 03.33.38 PM

i went back to sleep right after i posted. i know my brother and mother both called. i've tried to call them both back now that i'm awake, but no answer.

i'm not sure really what to think right now. i'm not sure if i want to go back to the funeral, not because of my family but because of the stress. there's just something in me telling me that the idea of the trip is just way to stressful. i think i'm still in shock.

i started a new round of medication last night and that is not helping with my energy levels at all. i just want to sleep, but i can't.

today is supposed to be one of the happiest days of the year. i've been looking forward to my 30th birthday for a long time. and last night i was starting to get excited, really excited.

anyhow. this is today.

Posted by brooke at 11.50.07 AM

my grandmother.

mary draper robertshaw died last night at 11.30pm, she was my grandmother. it's 4.48am and i'm tired but i don't know what to do.

Posted by brooke at 04.49.33 AM