February 01, 2003
NO MORE!

i'm never ever helping friends break up, i'm not putting myself in the cross fire, i'm not going to deal with it anymore. and once i get shot, i'm not going to go back and try to fix my "mistake" supposedly made against the crazy one. i only get hurt twice.

sometimes i wish i had a little less faith in people and gave a hell of a dam less. i think i'll quit my anti-depressants. i was bitter w/o them. bitter is good. because then one doesn't try to fix people.

Posted by brooke at 04.57.20 PM

i remember the day that challenger..

the day that we lost the challenger, we had the day off, it was a snow day, my brother and i were up in preston forest at my father's house with our 3 stepsiblings.. the day that we loose the columbia its a sunny saturday in eugene, i'm in my apartment in whiteaker, i think at first we've gone to war with iraq.

Posted by brooke at 10.49.05 AM

its too late to be up.

i just wasted 25 freakin' dollars. salon personals. WHAT AM I DOING IN SALON PERSONALS???? this is what my life has become. my desperate need for someone to love and i spend 25 freakin' dollars at salon personals, for "credits".. i DO NOT have that kind of cash to spend on that shit.

do you realize what that could have been spent on??? the locks for my backpacks. the journal i'm going to take over. FOOD for the week. almost an hour with my therapist. FUCK.

its 4am, i WAS going to go to the peace festival at 10AM but i doubt i'll be making it.

i'm so pathetic.

Posted by brooke at 03.45.26 AM

January 31, 2003
understanding war quote

" I too cannot understand the reason or logic of war with Iraq. It seems to demonstrate that fear is a stronger emotion than caring." ~Jim Yardley, my stepfather.

Posted by brooke at 08.22.30 PM

its okay to critisize.

i wrote this in dawn's comments, in response to her entry: "Loud and Wrong"

there is so much that you wrote that i agree with, but so much that you left out.

one thing that people keep forgetting about what started all this is osama. and no one bothers to mention who taught osama how to do to us what he did. and that is US. we taught him how to kill our own people when we were fighting along with him in afghanistan to get the russians out and helping to put the taliban in power.

to look out into the world and say one government is worse than the other and to say that we are better than them is balderdash. because if you really want to look at the truths of our own government and what we have done around the world its not a pretty picture.

in order to become a better country we must be able to look at our mistakes like we look at our personal mistakes when working on our ownselves in becoming better persons.

we are a government who says we support democracy and human rights, yet we have a history of supporting dictators and regimes with awful human rights records.

and right now our freedom of speech is not protected like you would think it is. again, you need to look at the usa p.a.t.r.i.o.t. act. there have been times since its passage that i have been fearful of my own rights because of things i have said in my blog. i have no doubt that i have an fbi file because of my weblog.

and right now we care more about sadaam hussein who has not said a peep since bush #1. he is a threat only too his own people. we care more about him, yet millions of people are on the brink of starvation in ethiopia- to the degree of in the 1980s.

so, we kill. and we don't care that people starve.

it was my ancestors that created this nation. the mayflower, the revolutionary war. i believe that that gives me a little more in this. and i can tell you this. in my heart and in my gut and i know that they are turning in their graves. the way this democracy is being carried out, the actions of this country over the last 50 years, espically, is not the way they meant for things to happen.

Posted by brooke at 03.38.40 PM

January 30, 2003
i pray to the spirits.

Pentagon officials: Special Forces in northern Iraq

i hate him i hate him i hate him. i hate this government i hate this government i hate this government.

i pray to the spirits of the earth and above and below to keep the innocents all over safe from the violence that is going to happen during this time of war and that is going to erupt because of this war.

i pray to to the spirits that the people of the world can differientiate me from my government, that they will embrace me as i embrace them.

i pray to the spirits that the governments will eventually hear the call of the people for peace. i pray to the spirits that people will understand that so much more can be accomplished without violent means.

i pray to the spirits for the people of iraq, i pray to the spirits that they do not hate me. i pray to the spirits for their safety.

i pray to the spirits for world healing, for this hating and hurting of the innocents to stop, now.

Posted by brooke at 11.16.39 AM

long long day

jury summons. dr's excuse. severe depression. crappy memory, crappy congnitive skills. i'd be bad. oh, and if that doesn't work i'll just spout off about how i don't trust the eugene police and how i think they are an evil radical element and mention the police raids in whiteaker and that should get me off. but the drs. note should suffice. no, not a good idea.

stopped by the travel store. go in there a lot. great place. need locks for the packs. and they've got this great series of city maps. small books, with fold out maps. and a compass and a pen. and some other info and a place to make notes. no athens, but prague. she said she'd try to track down one for me.

library. nothing to read, really.

peace vigil. lots of people. 150 or so. got wet, don't care. wonderful woman, 32 years in the country. she lost her job after 9/11 at the u of o cause of her accent, cause she came here from saudi arabia. she's been harrassed a whole lot. i told her my ancestors, the one's who came over on the mayflower, who faught in the revolutionary war had funny accents when they came here. i told her this is not why they did what they did-- to have the citizens of this country discriminate against people like her. she's not been able to find a job since because of the color of her skin, because of her beautiful accent. i told her that the people who are discriminating against her are probably not people who's ancestors started this country. i told her if i could give her my white privilage and my last name and my non-accent i would, but her accent was beautiful. i told her my ancestors were turning over in their graves. i told her my mother used to do some hiring for va tech and that she wouldn't care about her accent, she'd just care if she were qualified. if i had a job i'd hire her, she's passionate and such an incredible activist. my heart breaks for her, truly. i hate what people who look like me do to her. i'm ashamed to be this color sometimes. i do what i can because of my privilage.

peace festival at the u of o at the student union aka the emu this weekend. i read there's a charge. i'm gonna plead disability. maybe they'll let me in for free. there's a march and a rally too.

also an imbolc ritual that randy has invited me to. the sophia sanctuary. need to subscribed to the yahoo group.

might take on a web project for the whitaker (my neighborhood) community council.

talked to one woman at the vigil who's husband had gone to the state capitol to talk to members of the state legislature about mental health issues. she told me that 3 people had killed themselves since receiving letters that they would no longer be able to have access to their psychotropic medication. right now in our state those of us with psychiatric illness and disabilities are no longer being counted, they are cutting us first and we are dying and they don't care. this is not the first i have heard of this. and of course the press doesn't report on this. no one cares about the mentally ill. yes, we are still freaks. there are still debates in the medical community about whether psychiatric illnesses are real.

and. with depression, there are so many different levels people don't understand. "just pull your self up." you see all these self-help books and all these magical cures for my illness. you'd think i'd be reading every single one of them. i avoid them like the plague. my illness is just as serious as any other long term disabiling illness. no, this is not just "the blues." those people in salem, making these determinations, obviously don't have dear friends, family memebers, or even themsevles, who have never been disabled by a psychiatric illness. let them live a few days in my shoes. in one will people don't understand how something like depression, which you read about everyday, can take my functional life away. i hate those bastards, and oviously our lives are less valuable than those who suffer from physical illnesses.

Posted by brooke at 01.42.51 AM

January 28, 2003
it failed

measure 28, which was going to temporarily raise income tax here in the state of oregon for 3 years, which was going to make up for our HUGE FREAKING budget shortfall, was defeated.

the people of the state of oregon couldn't give up an average of 9 dollars a month for education, seniors, the disabled, and all the other vital services that the state government provides.

my doctor was telling me of another one of her patients who was going to loose access to her meds and her psychotherapy if 28 failed, she said this woman's illness is as bad as mine. and that is just one of the many many thousands of stories of people who are going to loose vital services.

i'm lucky, for now. i only pray my social security disabillity doesn't get cut. and soon i'm gonna have to deal with finding my own insurance and how i'm going to pay for that. no idea.

this is a sad day for oregon.

i'm gonna go pop a xanax.

Posted by brooke at 10.21.08 PM

times like these i need cable.

state of the union. i don't have cable.

to listen would stress me out too much. i thought about muting him but then i would end up glancing at his face and then i see a mixture of stupidity and evil, and i tell ya those to things combined terrify me. so stress and terror-- not good. i'll just stick with headlines. and later i'll find out if i'll be at peace vigils all day tommorrow and whether i'll be up tonight making better posters.

i do have two channels that aren't showing this mockery of democracy. its a choice, family feud or religion. the religion isn't bad sometimes, they actually have a vegetarian cooking show. but not right now. so i think i'll just go with the hummmmm of the machine.

oh, i checked with m the pharmacy guy that dr. c knows about whether i can drink ouzo-- the liqour that the greeks are so well known for. he said it shouldn't kill me. :P thats what i told him.

Posted by brooke at 06.40.13 PM

this and that ramblings.

a) y'all are great. thanks for all the tips for the peace songs. and keep them coming. hard rock, punk, soft stuff, folk, i don't care. peace comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, textures. i'd totally forgotten about alix olson's "dear mr. president," it even comes in spoken word. :) when i'm done i'll make a list of all the songs and post it. i'm collecting the songs in mp3 and wmf format and i'll even consider a cd swap if interested, but lets not talk about that right now.

b) everyone should give out an award. i got to make a bunch of people happy. that made me smile (probably more than them). what goes around, comes around and in this case it was great energy.

c) i talked to our family friend who used to lead tours with ariadne institute for the study and myth and ritual: programs in greece with carol p. christ. i'd been meaning to call her since i set up my trip. she was great help, and is going to call me back with even more information about domatias in molyvos, a small village on lesvos (the island in the northeast agean i'm going too), and about a great hotel in athens. our friend has even been to the island and said it is one of the best islands to go to, incredibly beautiful and the people are wonderful. she said the people all over greece are wonderful-- this has been confirmed by a couple of other friends i've talked to who have visited. i went to the bookstore and was looking through other travel books (i have lets go greece) that have pictures, and i found a picture of molyvos, oooohhh.. i can't wait to get there! but its one big hill. thats okay, i'll just go slow. its just so beautiful, and right on the agean. i am so lucky to be going there. i am so incredibly lucky.

bye.

Posted by brooke at 12.01.20 PM

January 26, 2003
songs about peace

hey all,
i need your help. i'm putting together a cd with songs about peace. you know, stuff like imagine (john lennon) and blowin' in the wind (bob dylan). i've got a small list but i need more. if you can help, can you leave them in my comments? thanks lots and lots.

on another note i finally felt like going to fellowship tommorrow and even realized i had something to wear, and then realized that tommorrow is monday. *agh* i hope i feel this way next saturday.

Posted by brooke at 08.11.46 PM