January 18, 2003
just because...

you know, i'm watching the media report on the anti-war protests that took place across the country today and the way they report on it is that those who protest the war hate america and those who want the war love america.

see, they interview a protester, and then they interview someone who supports the war, and inevtibly this person is someone waving a flag and talking about patriotism. or they interview the mother of a soldier. the media acts like the anti-war protesters hate the soldiers and this country. thats not what its all about.

i'm an anti-war protester, and while i'm rather disgusted at the ignorance the vast majority of americans have about the actions of our government i don't hate this country- most of the time. and i don't hate the soldiers-- i just hate what they are trained to do. and i betcha the vast majority of the people protesting will say the same things. we are patriotic, we just think this act is wrong.

i don't know why asking for peace makes one not patriotic. are we that a violent of a society that we'd rather embrace our violence loving citizens instead of our peaceful loving ones? i mean seriously y'all.. this is all getting rather ridiculous.

every day i just continue to be more and more baffled at the idiocy and the down right uncaring of this society and my country people. i am ashamed of, well.. even my own self. we are all too violent. we look towards violent means to solve matters instead of peaceful means.

this war is wrong. but its not just this war, its all wars. y'all are going to get sick and tired of me saying this. i just repeat myself.

but, see... we're not in iraq. and we're not in israel. the closest we are is in new york city and washington dc. and *this* war, the one i protested today, its gonna happen not here, but over there. we're not the one's stockpiling, they are.

i think if the shoe were on the other foot, i think people might say something different. actually, probably not.

we love our quick fixes, don't we? lets just go kill someone and that'll fix it. for the short term.

yeah, we've become a society that has the short attention span. we've become a society that needs things NOW, not in a little while. we can't wait for anything, no matter how just the cause. no matter if it will make the world a better place in the end. we need to kill now because we need that fix now. we need the fix of revenge, now.

see, i've had long time readers of this space. and i think they can attest that this space has gotten a hell of a lot less angry. i think they can attest that if this had been written a year ago, or 2 years ago you'd see a lot more exlamation points. but i'm mellowing out. i don't like my anger as much. its too much for me. that quick fix, it takes too much. you see it every now and then, but i've realilzed that the price i pay afterwards is too much. i understand that what i get back for my anger isn't equal to what i expended. i don't profit, i loose in the deal, i am not a better person, my world is not a better place, in fact its only a worse place.

what i've discovered is that i still have passion. i can feel it in my gut. and when i express it i get back what i put in. my world is a better place now. i have to take more time, sometimes i get stuck for days, my process is slower, and maybe its not as good-- but its coming along. i'm having to rebuild. but thats okay-- less things are damaged, cause i'm taking my time.

see, i'm negiotiationg my way through my world now. and its nice. its peaceful. and you know what i've discovered? i am more patriotic about brooke-land now than i have ever been, in my whole life.

i've made my point. i'm a peacenik. and i'm patriotic.

Posted by brooke at 11.34.10 PM

January 17, 2003
words from the doc.

my life is relatively boring these days. i can tell by the low number of comments i get. i can tell because i don't have interesting things to say.

my doctor hit me with something pretty big on tuesday. something i won't go into detail about. but most of the time when we talk everything we talk about is expected, its me who throws out the unexpected. but this time it was unexpected and it was said as i was walking out. i set up an appointment with her for wednesday and told her to give a call to my therapist and the two of them could form an opinion about it.

i've been trying to wrap my head around what she said since. i've only told one other person, besides my therapist. somethings are just not ment for public viewing. what i can say though is that it wasn't anything good. in my conversation with my therapist she said not to make a big deal about it. and i have talked to my doctor on the phone about it and she said she didn't mean to scare me as much as she did, she explained her reasoning, she did her best to calm me down.

this illness is.. well, bad news from my doc is just as heart wrenching as bad news from a doc about any long term illness, only what potentially takes your life is your own hand and not cells that your body is producing. at least when this illness presents itself as it does in my case.

my symptoms never really go away. they just get less. my memory gets better, and for a few days here and there it is what it has the potential to be. my cognitive skills remind me of the old days every now and then. some days my energy levels are better than others. sometimes i can sleep for days at a time.

its not until i think about it that i realize all the things that i do just to keep my mind alive. during my elementary education training we did mental math-- where you add or subtract, multiply or divide numbers in your head. well, i now do that all the time. i quiz myself on things, i try to remember dates. i quiz my short term memory constantly, unfortunatley it consistently fails.

so to take this back. my doctor and i will talk on wednesday. and luckily i've got 5 more days to think. i've got 5 more days to ponder what my therapist said, i've got more days to try to calm down. but then again i've got 5 more days to be unhappy about the whole situation before a much better and much longer explantion is given. if i had my druthers i'd sleep through them. but i won't. probably.

Posted by brooke at 07.58.04 PM

January 16, 2003
warheads

the un has found chemical warheads in iraq.. i'm not surprised. but still.. as if georgie boy didn't need anymore reasons to go to war, other than just his little penis.

well.. i'll be on the island of lesvos, probably closer than %99.9 percent of you, for 2 weeks, while we're at war. good thing i'm the kinda chick who loves an adrenaline rush, eh? also its a good thing i've got access to way kickass drugs, eh?

in other news, upstate n.y, home of one of my very favorite people-- patti, has embraced the golden snowball.. i think these people are desperate for entertainment. too much time cooped up inside.

bye.

Posted by brooke at 01.43.19 PM

tired.

went up to cougar hot springs with rayo yesterday. it was so incredibly beautiful up there! just so beautiful. i think we're gonna go again next week, i'll try to take some pictures.

anyhow, it was like taking a 2 hour hot bath. hot baths make me tired. i got back into town, did an errand, came home and checked email and some blogs, watched some tv, and then crashed into sleep around 7.30. i woke up a few times, getting up and talking to the cats, thought i'd missed my therapist appointment, finally climbed out of bed at 8.30 this morning. though i had been stirring since 6. and actually it wasn't bed, it was my papasan, which i have dubbed "my egg."

i'm gonna go snack on some peanut butter, my breakfast, and get ready for the day.

bye.

Posted by brooke at 09.03.35 AM

January 15, 2003
late at night

late at night. on a night like tonight, when i can't sleep. gotta get up early in the morning. i've popped a xanax, i'm waiting for it to kick in. i sign on to blogland. and all of your voices are so much more clear. i think its the hummmmmm of day that muffles them. its amazing what we hear late at night, just before slepp takes us away.

Posted by brooke at 01.25.53 AM

January 14, 2003
as each day passes...

as each day passes i become more and more committed to the act of peace. as each day passes i know more and more that the act of war is wrong and that the death of innocents, no matter where in the world they are, is intensly sad.

that is why the idea of putting metal from the world trade towers in a war ship rips my heart out. how can we, as humans, differientiate one human life from another? how can we say that american lives are more valuable than iraqi or afghani or iranian or north korean or ethiopian or or or? why is it that we must divide ourselves? why must it be?

we teach our children not to hate. the word these days is tolerance. murder is against the law. why is it okay to hate people who live in a different country? why do we tell our children that it is okay that they do not have to be tolerant of people just because they live in another country? how do we explain to them the difference between murder between 2 individuals in this country and our government murdering hundereds of thousands with a bomb?

i don't understand how geography changes so much. geography. it will take me 15 hours of flying time to get from seattle, washington, usa to athens, greece. thats not a lot of time. thats geography. and that is the only thing that differientiates me from them as a human.

we are all human. they suffer, i suffer, we all suffer.

why is it okay for innocents to die as our own died? someone explain this to me.

Posted by brooke at 05.35.36 PM

bloggin love fest

here. i'll participate in the bloggin love fest

justlisa. oh goodness. when did i first start reading justlisa? from looking back she hit the links the week of 1.28.2001, which ment that i was probably reading her earlier, just going to her site from another one.

i'm not sure why i was attracted to her site in particular. why i read lisa's site more than others. i remember that at that time she had stories about her life up and that i was very drawn to that. very frank stories about the birth of her son. i'm drawn to people who write honestly about their lives.

soon she and i started to get to know each other. and now, well. if you read this weblog on a regular basis you know that i simply adore lisa. i love what she writes on her weblog. she has said she has nothing to write about, but i say thats baloney, because she does have so much to write about. lisa writes from her heart. what you get in her weblog is her. there is no pretense there. the only difference between her weblog and knowing her like i know her is i know more about her. her weblog is just snippets of a whole, real person.

---

bloggin love fest take 2

chel, at bliss. i have forgotten how i found chel. and she's not a part of my blogsphere and we've never talked on the phone. we have exchanged cards and emails.

i love chel's perspective on the world. it is so different than mine. but the same in a way. she's different than most people i know. this is from what i know of her.. she seems to be less loud. yes, the people closest to me tend to be loud. this quiet perspective is nice.

chel is also very kind.

finally, she is honest in her writing. she is honest in her struggles and her joys. her weblog is truly one of the highlights of my daily readings.

Posted by brooke at 02.58.24 PM

January 13, 2003
ruminations on peace.

its been a good day so far. right now i'm procrastinating cleaning my kitchen, which is really needed, which i really need to do before i bake bread, and make cookies (which i'm going to do tonight). mainly the dishes need to be done, and eventually the rest of the floor needs to be cleaned, and the fridge needs cleaned out and then a good cleaning, but that can be done at a later time.. and the bathroom needs a cleaning, and the livingroom needs clutter picked up, which will take no more than 20 minutes, and i need to start on the last project, the bedroom, but all that can wait. the dishes can't.

anyhow, i went back to the butte, then to the library, then to the kiva to pick up the cookie supplies. $3.60 for all but the margarine. i love bulk, re: not buying big, but bulk where you buy just what you need. i got the cocoa, milk, peanutbutter, sugar, and rolled oats at the kiva. had to stop by the supermarket in my neighborhood to get the margarine, but that wasn't a big deal. i'll be shopping at the kiva often. i only wish they'd carry tofu in bulk.

okay, different subject.

i caught some shows about new military technology that is being developed. it appalled me. my thoughts expanded globally. i can't believe how much humans spend on being able to destroy each other in better and better ways. trillions upon trillions of dollars are spent on hating each other. i can't believe that any rational human being doesn't just stop in their tracks when they see pictures of it. i can't understand how any world leader can show their face. i can't understand how we live with ourselves everyday because we allow this to go on.

my brother said that we should kill sadaam hussein yes, i believe that sadaam hussein is evil, and i believe that he shouldn't be a leader of a country of innocents, but i don't believe that we should kill him, i don't believe we should wage war on his country. believing that we should wage war on his country because sadaam hussein is a nutball is just rationalising the irrational. its being in denial about what waging war on the country of iraq will do to people just like you and i. waging war on iraq is turning your back on people just because they are far away. and it is causing suffering to the very people that our government says they want to save from sadaam (yeah right, our government is only concerned with oil), so said howard zinn on pbs, and i agree with him. sadaam won't suffer from our bombs.

my brother also said that he's not a peacenik like i am. i told him that every family needs to have an idealist like me. i was sort of cutting myself down for him. but you know what, after a few days of sitting on it, i think he's wrong, and i believe that everyone who believes in killing another human being for any reason not under death with dignity is wrong. its amazing but all these people who are out calling the death of innocents collateral damage are also the same ones who are fighting to take away my right as an oregonian to die with dignity when the time comes. yes, i am right and my brother is wrong. i am not an idealist.

instead of kililng a man like sadaam hussein we neutralize him. once we capture him, we jail him so he no longer has the power to hurt anyone, but we do not kill him. we do not have the right to kill him. i do not care what he has done. make him write a letter to one family of one person he has killed everyday apologizing for what he has done. that is a worse punishment than death.

i had this crazy theory that maybe the reason zack believes in war when he believes it is right and i won't ever believe it is right is because i have my own battle going on in my life. i know what it is like to stare death in the face and it isn't a pretty sight. death and i have been walking hand in hand for years, and for periods in my life i've stared death in the face, once i made the jump (please note that this event actually occured in 2001) and landed still breathing, another time while i was jumping i pulled my parachute.

or maybe its the whitewater kayaking. i've certainly had some scary moments while kayaking. i've never seen anyone die, and i've never had any major accidents, but there were times when i was a major head case, and i read enough stories, and i knew a couple of people who died, and i paddled enough rapids where folks had died and even walked off a river once cause my i couldn't keep my mental trip under control.

i would like to think that its our differing life experiences that keep my brother on the opposite side of the fence on this issue. i would like to think that if coming face to face with death zack would change his mind. but here's the kicker, i don't know enough about him to know if he has or hasn't come face to face with death.

but back on my subject.

i've been reading these two great books. and i've found some really great quotes. so i'll end a few of those.

"Evil begets evil, but it also begets more evil." -Kenny Bruno

"Violence only begets violence, and by lashing out at each other in fear and hatred, we will become no better than the facelles cowards who commited this atrocity [9/11]."-Usman Faraman

"You go to war because you want to do something fast. You use violence because you don't want to wait. You don't want to work conflicts out. You don't want to use your mind, your intelligence, your wit. You don't want to use those capacities that a human being is especially endowed with." - Howard Zinn

""We have destroyed several of al-Qaeda's training camps." Who are they kidding? How many hours does it take to set up a training camp? How easy is it to move from one place to another?" -Howard Zinn

"..the term "self-defense" does not apply when you drop bombs in heavily populated areas and kill people other than your attacker. And it doesn't apply when there is no likelihood that this action will make the world less violent." -Howard Zinn

"You do not solve social problems by individual acts of violence. Social problems require social and political mobilization." -Eqbal Ahmad

You hear journalists and politicians talking about globalization and the free flow of markets. But they don't talk about international solidarity of people. They don't say we should consider people everywhere as our brothers and sisters--that we should consider children all over the world as our children." -Howard Zinn

Posted by brooke at 05.34.03 PM

January 12, 2003
solutitude and my brother.

i realize that i am now leading a life of solitude.

i'm not working at the nursery anymore, and my friends, well, they are all very busy people. even my closest friend, randy, well, if i see her once every 2 weeks, i'm lucky, and even then i find myself telling her to go home because she is simply too tired and needs the rest.

i do have interactions with others, but that is only brief encounters, usually lasting no longer than an hour, and it is something i have to seek out. and most of my socializing is done through my phone.

i am enjoying it though. i'm finding that i have to reach down in places and find ask myself if *i* really want to accomplish the things that i want too. and i've found that i'm busier now than i was the previous months. since 2003 started my days have gone by much faster. i'm not sure what i fill them with, but they seem to be filled with something.

but i worry about this solitude too. i worry about loosing my social skills. and i see that when i do talk to people face to face. i get nervous and anxious and i can't seem to form thoughts. so i'm having to force myself out of my solitude. and this space has become even more important, because now this space has become less about a record of what i'm thinking now, and more about a place where i am reaching out to talk to others during this time. i write these days with an audience in mind. some of you know me, and others of you don't.

and now, on to another topic thats on my mind tonight.

this family gathering in nags head, north carolina, usa.

its something my therapist and i will talk about, as with my dr and i. after the first excitement about spending a week at the beach wore off, reality set in.

i'm not sure if i want to spend a week with my family 3000 miles away from eugene. i'm not sure i can. i am a loner by existance, and i live alone, and to live with a group of people for a week, esp. when i'm the only one w / o a signifant other.

and then yesterday i was talking to zack, and i was talking to him about me wanting to skinny dip in the atlantic, and all of a sudden i felt like i'd regressed 5 years. and i'm not really sure if i want to spend a week in a house with someone that still lives in my past, instead of my present. i've really tried with him, but i don't think i'll ever be able to live myself down with my brother. i don't think i'll ever be able to be me. i was just very dissapointed. and further, i never talk to his wife, i have no relationship with her what so ever. i'm not even sure they like me.

i fucked up in not going to their wedding. it is my biggest regret in life. and i have no idea how to make it up to either of them. and i could blame that on my illness, but i won't. it has nothing to do with my illness, it just has to do with me being selfish. and i have no idea what kind of atonements i have to do to ever be forgiven.

zack and i didn't see eye to eye on my grandmother's funeral. he told me i was selfish for not going, that i needed to be there for my grandmother, i told him i had already said good-bye. and in a way i had, with a very loving tribute i wrote to her, which she read, which made her cry, which told her how much i loved her. but zack didn't understand that.

zack and i are very different. and i wish he would read this place, i have asked him too. i have asked everyone i love to read this space, because i don't want to live my past with any of them. i am very hesitant to go home because i do not want to be treated with expectations of the past brooke, for that is simply to painful to go through.

Posted by brooke at 10.34.26 PM