January 11, 2003
agh.

what a fucking day its been, i swear. my computer, yes this very one that i'm using, decided to play dead last night. so this morning i took it to the gateway people. as i was leaving my apartment to take it over there i practiced being a mommy and said to my cats "this is where faith, lisa, and that nice chel who sends the pretty cards lives." i left it with the gateway people fretting. i went from there to trader joes to pick up some chocolates for carrie and headed over to the comic store to drop them off and to go through the free box next door at smith family books.

THEN. i did a big freakin' no no.

i saw howard zinn on now with bill moyers on pbs (an excellent show btw) last night. i thought that mother kali's might have one of his books? oh goddess. yeah, stupid stupid stupid stupid me. so, i go into mother kali's and ask the ever so sweet cheryl if they have anything by him, and OF COURSE they do. they have his people's history (that's way to much howard zinn for a first time), so then she leads me over to another section where there's a nice collection of his books....... along with some other books.... yeah. so i pick a nice little cheap zinn book "terrorism and war", and i notice one title around it.. essays about pacifism. well, i'm not happy with that book, not enough women writers in that book.. but do i let sleeping cats lie? oh fuck no.. i have the audacity to go ask the ever so sweet cheryl if there is a book like the book i have, but with at least a 50 / 50 share of women / men writers. and of course there is. in fact she finds 2! can you believe it? of course you can. and of course i can't leave the store without one of them.. luckily i'm smart enough to leave the store with the cheaper one.. "another world is possible: conversations in a time of terror", and i write down the title of the other one - which i don't have on me right now, but it is something like "women reflect on 9 / 11"

to save my ass after this egregious spending of money i called the gateway people and thinking that i wouldn't be bringing this machine home went over and backed up my own data. and i've also sworn to myself that i WILL NOT go grocery shopping this week, because i've got stores of food that should be eaten, that i WILL make bread this this weekend (i've been saying that for 2 months), and if i want sweet, i'll just make cookies (though i think i do need milk and rolled oats for those, but that will be cheap). i've also SWORN that i won't spend ANY more money this week. and i keep assuring myself that i do have stores of greece money. so its okay.

and did i mention that my dad is on his way home as we speak??? he's probably on this continent! i can't wait can't wait can't wait to talk to him!!!! yes, at 30 i'm still a daddy's girl. but i don't think i became one, really, until i was 17 or 18, i certainly wasn't one when i was a kid, so i'm making up for lost time.

anyhow, its been a long day. i feel somewhat comforted that my computer and i are reunited, until the new hard drive comes in, and then.. its practically like a brain transplant.. (the hard drive has an error that is only going to get progressively worse)

and this is a freakin' addicition i tell ya.

okay. its time for a xanax. i'm actually shaking. i've not been able to rid myself of this anxiety attack all day. i probably should have worked out.

oh wait! i was talking to my brother and the cats were doing there crazies.. and lily came RUNNING out from under the papasan, RIGHT at smudge. smudge jumped UP into the air, did a FLYING FORWARD ROLL into lily and landed rolling into lily's belly. now, i've seen that boy of mine do some amazing things, but this, by far, takes the cake.

bye.

Posted by brooke at 08.12.27 PM

January 10, 2003
why is it.. cats?

why is it that the cats will drink the nasty kitchen sink water, but won't drink the fresh water in their bowl in the bathtub that is under the constantly dripping faucet, thus sort of constantly being refreshed?

and why is it that they'll stick their tounges up the bathtub faucet, as if to get fresh water, but won't drink water from the bowl underneath the faucet that is collecting the water that is dripping from the faucet?

Posted by brooke at 11.37.56 AM

gatherings.

okay, lets see where this entry takes me before i create a title.

i'm not going to be able to go to east coast blogger gathering. it is simply too close to my trip to greece. stress is something i don't deal with very well, and that would cause too much stress. AND here's a brooke in real life admission: i'm terrified of people. okay, thats a lie, i'm terrified of people in large social groups. i don't mingle well. so i can just imagine me for the entire weekend sitting in a corner, people asking "who's that?" and the response "rivervision".. and then most everyone walking away cause most people there would have no freakin' idea who i am. but the main reason i'm not going is its just too close to my trip to greece.
later: i've upgraded to maybe on the east coast blogger gathering.

but i am going to be headed to the east coast sometime in the summer. my stepfather is going to be coming home from ethiopia for a vacation and he and mom have decided to rent a house at nags head, nc for all of us. they'll be flying all of us who live out here (my 2 step sisters and one husband and me) there. goddess, i wish i could bring my best friend randy, but thats another story. my only cost will be what i decide to spend there (at nags head and on the east coast). which hopefully will be a trip to nyc for a couple of days, if she'll have me.

i've been to the butte 3 days in a row. i don't think i'll go today, my lungs are kinda pissed, but tommorrow. yesterday i almost made it to the top. slowly but surely. i was missing one crucial ingredient-- water. tommorrow.

bye.

Posted by brooke at 09.58.33 AM

January 08, 2003
the good and the bad of today.

blah blah blah.

not hiking with miriam again. i feel way freakin' guilty. see, she's got these big ol' long legs, and she's way in shape.. and i got these short little legs and i ain't in shape at all, and even when i am in shape, i still walk slow, so, i ain't gonna be doing any more walkin' with miriam. but i did get to go back up to the butte, or the butt as i sometimes call it, and miriam had never been on the path that we'd been on so that was good and it was as beautiful was it was yesterday. so, it was good and bad.

i did go to the library to see how much i owed them. i owe them too much to try to become even with them. they claim i have 7 things of theirs, i think thats a big fucking lie, cause i only know of 4. anyhow, i know where 2 of the 4 are, and i have an idea where the other 2 are, so i'll see if i can find them and then see how much i owe them. the rude man that i was talking to about all this claims that by returning the 4 items that i have would reduce my amount by less than half, well shit, if thats the case i've probably got some books around here that i don't want that will more than make up for the amount that i owe. anyhow, the whole time i was waiting in line i was hoping that i wouldn't have to deal with the man i dealt with, cause he looked mean. and he was.

i also dropped of my prescriptions, and when i did that i asked them to please fix my name. my name is m. brooke, not brooke m. the woman said that it would probably make me hard to find in the computer, and i said that i was probably the only robertshaw in there, and she said that i'd be easy to find if they did the search by last name.. well, its not my problem if this world is set up for people to be called by their first names and not their middle names. its my parents fault. they should have named me brooke m. robertshaw instead. so, anyhow, she wasn't too happy with me either.

and somewhere my *urgent-final notice* electricity bill has gotten lost. i was gonna take it to st. vinnies to help get it paid this month, cause of the gov't being jackasses. even in a clean house things are still getting lost.

so, thats all the bad stuff.

the good stuff is that when i called rayo and cordy to invite them to my birthday dinner rayo answered. yeah!! so i went over for a cuddle and we're gonna work on a web project together!! and next wednesday we're gonna go up to cougar hot springs (warning, nude people in the pictures section (yes, btw, i love going places and getting non-erotically nekkid with people and getting in bodies of water 8-D)). i can't wait, cause i've never been, cause the road is all cliffy and stuff and well, i can't do cliffs. he's gonna drive my car. and it was so good to see him and cuddle. oh so good!!!!

and finally, i scored in the free box over at smith family books. a perfectly good hard back copy of frank mccourt's book 'tis, and a fiction novel called the "last time they met" that looks really good. oh yeah, and i stopped at the kiva and got some molasses cause i want to make molasses cookies and i was right in my thinking that buying it in bulk was cheaper, so now i have molasses in a honey bear, and i love molasses, i'll just eat it right out of the molasses bear. they also had dolmas, stuffed grape leaves, so i got 2 of those. i've never had them, i hope i like them. (they are greek / turkish / mediterranean).

bye.

3 hours later
went out to pick up my prescriptions, then headed over to albertsons, the one i dono't go to. wanted to see if they had red zinger. no dice, but they had lemon, so i picked that up (it was on sale). but when i was checking out, found out that my food stamps have been cut WAY BIG TIME. do they bother to send a letter, no freakin' way. they just wait to tell you when you are checking out with all this junk food. i guess the good in this is that i'll be much more watchful of what i eat and i'll loose weight. *blech*

but i am so pissed off. see, what no one seems to get is that i suffer from a *mental* illness. and to the government and the insurance companies all treatments besides medication is pretty much limited or not covered at all. and even the medication, well, my insurance bases my visits on what the diagnosis is. so, essientally all my care is now considered a luxury. thats not good for someone with an illness like mine. my dr and i were talking the other day about me lookiing into looking into clinical trials of drugs, cause i'd be perfect cause noo drugs work, and she said that i need to get in the last stage, the one where no placebos are in use cause i can't go w/o any medication. yes, even on medication i get suicidal. off medication, well.. its not a pretty sight. so, you see why i'm pissed off. i pay out the wazoo for my medical care because i don't have a real illness, my income has been cut because i can't work, and then they cut my food stamps, w/o notifying me.

only one of you over there ---> lives in eugene. i'm gonna make signs. mental illnesses are REAL illnesses brought to you by a pissed off depressed person aka rivervision.com/blog and then eventually i'll put up signs that say DEMAND MENTAL HEALTH PARITY!!!! a one woman crusade around eugene.

but that was the bad part about my outing. the good part is that there was a no war in iraq protest going on along 7th. as i was driving by i asked how often. every wednesday between 4.30 and 5.30. i'm gonna try to start going.

bye, again.

Posted by brooke at 03.25.53 PM

January 07, 2003
the butte

i went hiking a wee bit around spencer's butte today. i wanted to take my new hiking pole (bought for my trip cause it shrinks enough to fit in my pack and after the trip i can continue to use it for hiking) out for a spin, and my boots out too. i've had my boots for a number of years, i love them (mine are of the trekking/backpacking kind).

i'd forgotten how beautiful it is around the butte. there was a soft fog all around. i only saw one person. moss covered everything and all the streams were running. next time i'm going to take my camera, so i can take y'all with me, but as all of y'all know, pictures won't do it justice. i didn't get to the top, but that wasn't my goal. my goal was just to go. i'd like to be able to get to the top by the time i leave for greece.

there are 2 main trails to the top of the butte. i've only taken the other trail once. the other trail is the more popular one. its steeper, but shorter. the one i take is longer, but less steep. it takes you through a beautiful rainforest (the forests east of the cascades are rainforests, thats what i've heard). lots of trees were down, it looks like because of the windstorm that happened here february 2002. i was afraid it might be clear cuts, but these trees were obviously across the trail. it would be horrific if a clear cut happened on spencer's butte.

i'll leave you with this:
a link to a view from the top of the butte

Posted by brooke at 05.53.53 PM

January 06, 2003
its been 3 years

its been 3 years since my grandfather died. 3 years ago to this day. my dad's dad, the one that when i was born everyone said i looked like. i thought that his loss would get easier, it only gets harder. i miss him, a lot. the old man had a lot going on in his head. he left us with this: population, environment, abortion, religion, and fatherhood by alfred foster robertshaw.

Posted by brooke at 10.38.42 AM