one of the last things i said to the member of the military that CONTACTED ME first was that i hoped he looked the person in the eye that he was about to kill.
HE then responded that he hoped i would join the iraqi army so he could look ME in the eye.
i was a bitch at times to the guy, but i also told him i was doing this to bring him home safely to his family and that i believe in the dignity of all human lives, HIS INCLUDED.
people here might think i don't accept others beliefs. think what you think, I DON'T CARE. you don't know me, you don't know all of me. this is my place and i am a loud mouth.. but before you personally judge me, try asking me about the time that i corresponded bonnie mabon-- who's husband was leads the fight AGAINST gay rights in this states, and ask me how i felt about her beliefs. ask me about how i saw her side, even though i disagreed. and her husband's organization, its not exactly a nice anti-gay rights group, its vicious. its cruel, the man has no respect for any human life. ASK me about my interactions about politics and religion with my grandmother, a born again christian. ASK me about how last week the man who was standing on the corner during our peace vigil with a pro war sign and how i didn't ask him to leave but to bring his sign out of traffic so that people could cross the street safely, how i told him that his perspective was not wrong, i just disagreed with it. but i wanted safety to happen.
LEARN MORE ABOUT ME.
but of course, people judge because they only choose to see one side of a person. i feel sorry for all of you who look so black and white. i also feel sorry for you because you don't understand that this is my space and i say what i want, that i use this space as a forum for my political beliefs, that i'm a loud mouth but probably far more accepting than any of you could ever be.
ask me what it is like to be a mentally ill (i suffer from severe depression) disabled, fat, single, peace loving, non-violence believing in lesbian who only fits into mainstream society because of the color of my skin and the fact that my family is middle class. ask me what it is like to have to come out of the closet about EVERYTHING. and ask me if sometimes i get tired and angry about all of it. because i do. i hold my head high most of the time and am proud of me, but sometimes it all wears on me.
i'm angry and i get to be. and right now i own my anger. DO ANY OF YOU WHO JUDGE ME EVER OWN YOUR ANGER?
i'm done. go away if you don't like me. go away if you can't stand that i'm a loud mouth.
Comments
Dear Brooke,
First, I assumed since your comments were open that anyone could comment, not just those who agreed with you.
I have been reading your page for almost two years now, and since you are pretty open about who you are and what your opinions are, I feel that I do know a lot about you.
And though I don't know what it's like to be a "mentally ill disabled, fat, single, peace loving, non-violence believing in lesbian who only fits into mainstream society because of the color of my skin and the fact that my family is middle class." I do know what adversity is.
I know what it's like to "have it all." I know what it's like to have a husband who I loved more than life itself, a beautiful home that we worked hard for, 4 kids that we devoted our lives to. I know too what it's like to watch that husband die of cancer. I now what it's like to live for 10 months with a voice screaming in the back of my head "He's going to die" and having to put on a mask and not show my fears. I know what it's like to climb into the hospital bed with him and tell him that he could let go, that it was ok, that I could handle it all, that I could do it...the whole time lying through my teeth because I had no faith that I COULD do it. I know what it's like to lose everything that we worked so hard for because I had to sell my jewelry and my furniture and anything else of value, to buy his medicine and keep food on the table. I know what it's like to stand at a coffin with 4 kids all asking me "Why mom, why our dad?" and not having any answers for them. I know what it's like to deal with heartbreak that has no answers and no ending. I know what it's like to be left with $32 to my name, no insurance, no job skills or college degree, and $80,000 in medical bills to pay off. I know what it's like to be forced out into the work world scared and totally unprepared and unqualified, and have to work 2 jobs (and only get 3-4 hours a sleep a night) to support my family. I know what it's like to lose my home. I know what it's like to be so scared and overwhelmed and know that there was no one in my life I could turn to...no supportive family to help me out or tide me over when things got financially tough. I know what it's like to go to bed each night and beg God not to let me wake in the morning, and then to have to deal with the anger because he didn't listen to my prayers. I know what it's like to want to die, and being furious because I didn't even have that choice because I couldn't do that to my kids. I know what it's like feel so totally alone in the world, and when fulfilling a dream didn't mean a trip to Greece, it meant having enough money at the end of the week to feed my family.
I also know what it's like to count my blessings and to appreciate all the things that I DO have in life. I know how lucky I was to have the kind of love that I had in my life once. My kids, who I once almost resented because they forced me to go on, were my blessings because they did give me a reason to live and I found out that life really can be good again. My grief and my experiences gave me the compassion needed to help other through their grief, and I spend my free time doing just that.
My point is...so many suffer from adversity in their lives and they don't use it as an excuse for all of their actions. I could have curled up in a ball, given up my kids, lived on welfare and blamed it all on my grief, on my circumstances. Instead I learned to accept what I could not change and do the very best I could in life. I didn't allow my circumstances to make me mean or bitter or use it as an excuse to lash out at life or at anyone who didn't agree with me.
I have a lifelong friend , whose life mirrors yours with one exception...she is not angry at the world. Yes, she gets angry with her circumstances but she doesn't let that anger rule her and she doesn't use it to excuse her actions. We disagree all of the time, but she has never tried to push her views on me or not accepted the fact that I am entitled to feel the way I do just as she is. We agree, all the time, to disagree.
And you're right, this is your blog and you can say anything you want in it. But Brooke, you can't expect everyone to agree with you and turn against them if they don't. I understand that your illness is very real, and I know it rules who you are at times and for that I'm sorry. Throughout the two years that I have been reading here, I have prayed that each medication would be "the one". And I have been so sorry when it wasn't. Even though I don't "know you" I cared for you and what you go through.
I didn't tell you "my story" for sympathy...My life now is full of hopes and dreams again. I am happy with life again and try so hard to live it at it's fullest. I raised 4 kids on my own and did a damn good job of it. I started at an entry level position and worked my way up to managing the largest branch of the company. I try not to think of how life should have been for me, instead I hold onto the few positives that I have in life and appreciate them for what they are. I am, and will always be a "poor widow" but I know too that I am far richer than most people because I am at peace with who I am and what life has dished out to me. I wish for you that same kind of peace one day...
Debbie
Posted by Debbie at March 11, 2003 4:29 AM
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