she is a lesbian, radical feminist, cat lover, bibliophile, non-smoker, unitarian universalist (though she doesn't go to fellowship on a regular basis) and in the process of becoming athletic again. she dreams of being jeanne d' arc and swooping in and saving those that need saved (though she'd rather not be burned at the stake). she is a loyal friend who will do anything she can for those she loves, but she can flakey sometimes when her depression flares up. she is a loner. a southerner self-transplanted to the pacific northwest in 1998 and now believes that it doesn't rain enough here. she's known for her honesty, she can't help it, its the only way to be. she is 4'8" tall, and round. she has natural blonde hair and she also has blue eyes. she is very intense. she hates small and large crowds, she prefers the one on one or the one on a few. she has no idea what she wants to do with her life, though she would like to see more of the world than what she has seen so far (a good part of the continental united states) and she very much wants to be a mother. finally, she has huge crushes on alix olson and carolyn gage (these are from a far).

i'm not working at the nursery anymore, and my friends, well, they are all very busy people. even my closest friend, randy, well, if i see her once every 2 weeks, i'm lucky, and even then i find myself telling her to go home because she is simply too tired and needs the rest.

i do have interactions with others, but that is only brief encounters, usually lasting no longer than an hour, and it is something i have to seek out. and most of my socializing is done through my phone.

i am enjoying it though. i'm finding that i have to reach down in places and find ask myself if *i* really want to accomplish the things that i want too. and i've found that i'm busier now than i was the previous months. since 2003 started my days have gone by much faster. i'm not sure what i fill them with, but they seem to be filled with something.

but i worry about this solitude too. i worry about loosing my social skills. and i see that when i do talk to people face to face. i get nervous and anxious and i can't seem to form thoughts. so i'm having to force myself out of my solitude. and this space has become even more important, because now this space has become less about a record of what i'm thinking now, and more about a place where i am reaching out to talk to others during this time. i write these days with an audience in mind. some of you know me, and others of you don't.

and now, on to another topic thats on my mind tonight.

this family gathering in nags head, north carolina, usa.

its something my therapist and i will talk about, as with my dr and i. after the first excitement about spending a week at the beach wore off, reality set in.

i'm not sure if i want to spend a week with my family 3000 miles away from eugene. i'm not sure i can. i am a loner by existance, and i live alone, and to live with a group of people for a week, esp. when i'm the only one w / o a signifant other.

and then yesterday i was talking to zack, and i was talking to him about me wanting to skinny dip in the atlantic, and all of a sudden i felt like i'd regressed 5 years. and i'm not really sure if i want to spend a week in a house with someone that still lives in my past, instead of my present. i've really tried with him, but i don't think i'll ever be able to live myself down with my brother. i don't think i'll ever be able to be me. i was just very dissapointed. and further, i never talk to his wife, i have no relationship with her what so ever. i'm not even sure they like me.

i fucked up in not going to their wedding. it is my biggest regret in life. and i have no idea how to make it up to either of them. and i could blame that on my illness, but i won't. it has nothing to do with my illness, it just has to do with me being selfish. and i have no idea what kind of atonements i have to do to ever be forgiven.

zack and i didn't see eye to eye on my grandmother's funeral. he told me i was selfish for not going, that i needed to be there for my grandmother, i told him i had already said good-bye. and in a way i had, with a very loving tribute i wrote to her, which she read, which made her cry, which told her how much i loved her. but zack didn't understand that.

zack and i are very different. and i wish he would read this place, i have asked him too. i have asked everyone i love to read this space, because i don't want to live my past with any of them. i am very hesitant to go home because i do not want to be treated with expectations of the past brooke, for that is simply to painful to go through.