she is a lesbian, radical feminist, cat lover, bibliophile, non-smoker, unitarian universalist (though she doesn't go to fellowship on a regular basis) and in the process of becoming athletic again. she dreams of being jeanne d' arc and swooping in and saving those that need saved (though she'd rather not be burned at the stake). she is a loyal friend who will do anything she can for those she loves, but she can flakey sometimes when her depression flares up. she is a loner. a southerner self-transplanted to the pacific northwest in 1998 and now believes that it doesn't rain enough here. she's known for her honesty, she can't help it, its the only way to be. she is 4'8" tall, and round. she has natural blonde hair and she also has blue eyes. she is very intense. she hates small and large crowds, she prefers the one on one or the one on a few. she has no idea what she wants to do with her life, though she would like to see more of the world than what she has seen so far (a good part of the continental united states) and she very much wants to be a mother. finally, she has huge crushes on alix olson and carolyn gage (these are from a far).

i have to do these affirmations to myself. cause that person is so successful and all this shit, and here i am on disability.

but then i say to myself, "olympic trials. did she race in an olympic trials? no." okay then." "and you do have a serious illness. and you don't know what you want to do with your life. but you didn't flunk out of college. you have a masters degree, from a top program. and you did it *all* while dealing with this illness, which is real."

i have to remind myself that this is just a bump in the road. that going to greece could very well open a lot of doors. that i could find something new there. and if i don't, i'll just continue to look for doors. i have to continue to remind myself that my illness is serious. that this woman i looked up probably did not deal with it. i have to remind myself that i am not a failure. i know randy would tell me that. she would. if she were awake right now.

and because i'm petty. and yes, i am very petty. and i know it. and y'all will hate me because i'm so petty. but i do tell myself that there are people that i know who's lives are failures. and people i don't know who's lives are failures. and mine is not. this is just a stumbling block. and it *is* one that i am stumbling over quite gracefully, as gracefully as one can. it could have been played out a lot more gruesomely. i could have had a lot less impluse control. i could have been labled "psycho" by a lot of people. yes, i have handled this *pretty* gracefully. i think randy would tell me that too, again- if she were awake right now. and i think she's told me that before.

i will be the success i want to be at some point. i don't know what that will look like right now. and yes, it is driving me nuts. cause i hate things i can't see. but someday all this will be behind me. and i will continue on the tracks i have already laid out. this is just a bit of a side trip.

i think its about time that i get mom to send that olympic trials certificate and its also about time that i frame my masters diploma, if not both of them.

oh, and i also need to come back and read this post on a regular basis.

oh, and that person i was talking to the other day about affirmations... this would be one big one.

Comments

"i have to remind myself that this is just a bump in the road."

Affirmations are what carry us over and thru those bumps in the road. And good friends. =)

Posted by Susan at December 26, 2002 1:13 PM

You've been Snowballed, by -e-!!!

Posted by -e- at December 26, 2002 1:24 PM

Blogger Snowball Fight 2002!

muahahahahaha

Posted by Dania at December 26, 2002 8:14 PM


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