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December 14, 2002 god damn its early! i have been up since 6am. dammit. i went to sleep around 2am last night. woke up to the tv, the early show. left the tv on last night. and to my keeper overflowing some. once i got up to empty it and realized i couldn't get back to sleep i decided to turn on my computer, do some surfing.. sometimes that lulls me back to sleep.. but then i saw this headline on cnn about n. korea wanting to kill all of us and you can imagine that really put me in the mood to go back to sleep. so i called my dear perry and he assured me that it would be okay, that all generations go through this whole "we're gonna die" feeling.. then i called my grandfather, had a great conversation with him, and made the realization that this whole alone thing is genetic. he likes to be alone, my mother does, and i do. that was nice. and finally called my mom to talk to her about something and to tell her about the alone genetic connection... and now i sit with ava curled up along my left arm listening to john denver, while trying to find some good news. oh wait! i did find some good news! silver had a great 30th birthday! Posted by brooke at 08.48.07 AMDecember 13, 2002 lost? chel wrote about feeling lost she pretty much vocalized how i've been feeling the last couple of weeks. my dad and i talked today for the last time before he heads off to thailand. even though we live on opposite coasts there's something about being able to pick up the phone and call him anytime that makes the space not so large. he'll be back on january 11th, but thats just so long. i'm gonna miss him. and talking to him made me realize how much i miss seeing him in person. its been a year since i've seen him last. he's gonna come out after classes are over for spring term at va tech. i wish he could come out sooner. its been raining out here, a lot. we need it. and i like the sound of it outside my window. and its warmer! the other day i walked out and a warm breeze blew by me. now *this* is winter in the valley. none of this 30-40 degrees and sunny.. 50 degrees and raining! and i hear there's snow in the mountains. hopefully this will continue. oh! wait.. the wind has been great! i love wind. well, as long as trees aren't coming down. a couple of days ago the coast got wind up to 65mph! oh how fun! what else? i have an appointment with my dr on tuesday. i've got an idea for a new drug. i'll see what she thinks, i think she's mentioned it before. oh, i saw a show about the town of lakeview on oregon public broadcasting. i've had this crazy idea that i might move to rural oregon at some point. lakeview is rural oregon (population in 2001 was around 7,400 for the whole county that it is in). its in southeast oregon. or, central southeast oregon. its in lake county. one of the 3 huge counties that make up southeast oregon (lake, harney, malheur). the place sounded nice, they have a ski hill right in town. i like the idea of being on my own, in a safe place, getting back to nature.. i'm sure rent is cheap there. one thing they said about the place is "you better lock your car or else someone might leave vegetables in your front seat!" its just an idea. i doubt i will, but i might just get a crazy hair and do it. and on that note, its bed time for brooke. ps. oh hey! they just reported we're getting big storms over the weekend, including one with some energy from a typhoon (thats a hurricane for y'all on the east coast of the usa)! Posted by brooke at 11.07.52 PMDecember 12, 2002 my grandmother, 2 years ago it was 2 years ago today that my grandmother died. on that day i had no idea what the future would be like without her, i had no idea that instead of missing her less as each year went by, i would only miss her more. the woman drove me nuts. the last few years of her life i refused to go to her house because of the negative energy between her and my grandfather. the argued constantly and i couldn't take it. she was miserable and he was to. but i loved her. one of my favorite things to do was to call her and talk to her about this and that. we usually talked for an hour at a time. i called on a regular basis, even though some conversations were stressful for me (and her). we loved each other. i didn't go to her funeral. in hindsight i wish i did. from what i heard about what was said, i know i needed to be there, i wish i'd said what i needed to say. there was so much about my grandmother that our extended family didn't know. i could have portrayed her as the loving open hearted woman that she really was, not the god fearing close minded woman that most people thought she was. i miss her. i miss my grandmother a whole lot. and i love her. but i have no regrets about the time i didn't spend with her in person in the last years of her life. the following is something i wrote about her on 27 november 2000, 3 weeks before she died. my grandmother got to read it. my mom said she cried when she did, it made her so happy. my father told me that she told him about it when he visited her. it made me incredibly happy to know that she knew how much i loved her. what i didn't know was this was my good-bye to her, and i know that it couldn't have been a more perfect one. my grandmother you know, its pretty awful that it takes something like her being really sick for me to realize the impact that she's had on my life. i guess i thought she'd live forever, and now its really hitting home that she isn't. when my grandfather died i told everyone that i was close to him. i proudly carry his last name, his blonde hair and blue eyes, his face, his head of stone. yeah, we were close. but this seems different. she drives me crazy. she's driven me crazy since i was about 11 years old when i started to recognize the vast differences between my emerging liberal beliefs and her strong conservative leanings. but before i started growing up and before i started to understand the vast differences between us i was a kid. i was a kid who spent weeks upon weeks at her house during the summer. i was a kid who would wake up every morning and eat waffles while watching tv. i was a kid who would go shopping at the px with my grandmother and then come home and model all the wonderful new clothes for my grandfather. i was a kid who looked forward to christmas and spending time with her. i was a kid who knew that my grandmother was the best grandmother because she made the best fudge every christmas. i was a kid who simply loved her grandmother because she loved me back. then i became the person who started to understand the differences between liberal and conservative. between pro-choice and pro-life, between those who believed in god and those who didn't. i always stood on the opposite side from my grandmother. and i always let her know it. and she drove me crazy because of it. but you know, she continued to love me, and even though i viewed her as being so different from me i continued to spend time on the phone with her. i always thought i spent that time on the phone with her because i had too, but i've realized that thats not the reason. the reason is because, simply, i love her. and i enjoy our conversations, our arguments, about various moral and political subjects. both of us coming at each other not from our brains, but from our hearts. i'm not sure why it takes something like my grandmother being this sick for me to realize how important she is too me. she is the one.. the one who watches pat robertson on tv, the one who voted for reagan, and both bushes.. the one who when i called and told her about my girlfriend wanted a picture of her. and its awful that it has taken this illness for me to realize all that she means to me and all that she has become to me. i have fought and kicked my way to being an adult. i have demanded respect and equal treatment from her and everyone around me. i've worked to become friends with my parents, my aunts, my uncles. i always looked at her as someone who i could never achieve that with.. but i think its only with friends that you can argue about the things that you hold dear to your heart and come out on the other side knowing that you still love each other. i've not found the words yet to properly voice what she is too me, and hopefully i will, and hopefully she'll hear them. grandmother. boxing opponent. friend. grandmother. -mbr i love you gammy. you know i do. i continue too, and always will...... December 10, 2002 agh! okay, no more angry posts. i had a converstion with a man on saturday that is more than willing to go bomb sadaam and hundreds of thousands of innocent iraqis but extremly unwilling to take notice and be willing to do a damn thing about the crimes committed here in america in the name of christianity. it pissed me off pretty royally. i'm done. i don't like being that angry. crossing jordan last night. creeped me out big time! good show, really. i love the strong female lead. but sometimes it gets a bit to creepy for me. i need a nap and i just woke up. i've crashed again. might call my doc today "your drugs don't work." hey, whats new? agh. Posted by brooke at 08.24.52 AMDecember 08, 2002 note to oprah okay, so i checked abcnews.com, cnn.com, cbsnews.com, msnbc.com, bbc.com, salon.com, and guardian.com to see if any of them had covered trent lott's racist remarks.. none of them did (yes, they all covered winona ryder). i even tried to email abc news, but it didn't go through (i used their web form). so i got desperate. i wrote to oprah. this won't get to anyone, but. i've gotta make this short. i don't make things short. i'll try. i've been watching oprah's show since being home on disability. she's wonderful. really. body image, cares about people, and michael moore! i read a site called common dreams, progressive news. they reported about sen. trent lott at sen. strom thurmond's b'day party. racist remarks, very racist views. mainstream news doesn't cover it. hardly any news covers it. its disturbing to me. we spent all this time covering clinton and lewinsky, yet not a nodd to racisim. who cares about clinton's penis! we have to care about trent lott's racial views. we have to! oprah reaches so many people! so, i'll tell her! maybe she'll care? i hope so. i rant to my friends, on my weblog, but i don't reach many people. oprah reaches more people than me and commondreams.org and the washington post (where the story orignated from).. she won't read this, but i can try. won't hurt to try. word has to get out. we can't cover winona ryder and pay no attention to trent lott's racism. we can't, we can't, we can't. why doesn't mainstream news cover this? why don't they care? everyone should care! okay, i've tried. never hurts to try.
misc. sunday ramblings
first.. please send todd (aka the ripperman) some love, his mother passed away yesterday. and while you are at it, please send lisa (aka justlisa) some love too, she and todd are partners, she lost someone she loves tremendously last night too. now, on to matters of washingon.. and finally.. a sign that brooke is a bit homesick: i'm listening to john denver's song "country roads" over and over... |
I sing with you
Solo: on her own adventure, ed. Susan Fox Rogers Cunt: A declaration of independence, Inga Muscio
Various Dar Williams Various John Denver
movies i wanna see
american civil liberties union unitarian universalist association
admired
enjoyed
july 14 in the life of brooke (for patti's day o' pics)
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