November 23, 2002
saturday

okay, so i did it. i went swimming, but not until 5pm. i think i'll try to make it in the morning tommorrow. but i'm glad i did. even if the stupid woman who shared a lane with me for the last 5 minutes of my workout did kick me in the elbow, on the bad arm. i'm pretty pissed about that one. second time i've been hit while sharing a lane. woman didn't even stop. i'll see how things are in the morning. the arm is already hurting. people need to learn how to share lanes better.

went grocery shopping too. yeah, i'm awfully boring today. i still feel really really gross. talked to dr. c yesterday about the fact that the topamax isn't causing my apetite to go away like it has in the past so we talked about diet and stuff some. i'm not one for fad diets. i'm just one for eating well. when i'm eating well i tend to eat a lot of tofu and a lot of veggies. she said to stay away from pastas and breads and if i do, make sure they are brown. luckily i was raised on multi-grain bread and i've continued with that. and i don't eat a lot of pasta, though i do really love couscous. and milk, i do drink a lot of milk, but i only drink skim. my one vice is sugar. i've got to work on stopping my sugar intake. this will be hard. but when i'm eating my standard diet i don't eat as much sugar as i have been. so, basically, as far as my doc is concerned, she's really not about my diet.

what else? oh, savekaryn.com. mar pointed her readers to this. this is one of the most selfish uses of the web i have ever seen. a person putting up a website and asking strangers to help her get out of credit card debit. and the people who donated, well, they are all suckers. i commented that the people who donated should all get some of what karyn spent the money on. this whole bit of getting on the web and asking strangers to help you get out of debt is simply... i can't find the word. i find it irresponsible, i find it... dammit. dammit. dammit. you know, right now i'm in a situation right now that i've referred to and i could be here asking for money, but its simply not right. i *finally* called my mother and told her about the situation only when i found myself so humiliated, and i was only calling her to tell her how humiliated i was, i was not calling for help. but she said she'd rather help me than for me to go to the sources i was going to go to for help. i've not mentioned it to my father. he might read this, but, yes dad i'm not gonig to tell you cause you are already helping me in another way. i just don't understand how people can have self-respect. i know i feel uncomfortable having my folks help me out during this time. i just think... maybe i have high standards. okay, i do. this has been pointed out to me on many occasions. but i believe that if someone got themselves into credit card debt it is their responsiblity to get themselves out. the web was not made for such purposes. grow up, take care of your own responsibilities, pay your own debt.

Posted by brooke at 07.34.52 PM

November 22, 2002

went and saw my doc today. talked to her about the hot flashes i've been having. i'd mentioned them a number of months back. she asked more details this time. when they happen, if they tie into my cycle, how long they last. well, she told me something new about depression. yeah, i thought i knew everything. apparently depression can cause problems with temperature regulation. she rarely hears about it. well, i'm sure she wasn't surprised to hear about this from me. but its good to know the cause. i knew it wasn't anything to worry about, i just wanted to know the cause.

we also talked about my bum shoulder. miriam and i talked about it on wednesday when i saw her. she told me to not be so hard on it. my doc said not to do any sort of crawl strokes. i think i'm going to throw both of their advice out the window and just do what i want to do and deal with the pain. i'll sit in the hot tub before i swim and ice it afterwards, but i'm still going to do the crawl strokes. and soon i think i'll go lift some weights. its just a strain. its not a big deal. just some pain. i can deal with it.

what else? things pretty much suck here right now. i might end up cancelling my thanksgiving plans with miriam cause its not nice to be around people when i'm feeling this crappy. i've already canceled my plans for the weekend. i'm very wounded by someone and that has just sent me in a tailspin. i've turned off the cell, the landline never rings cause its plugged into the computer. thus the advantages of being me. hopefully i will get myself to the pool tommorrow. maybe that will snap me out of this. either that or it will just help to send me even further down. hopefully monday we'll have enough kids that i'll actually stay and play. and hopefully wednesday i'll get to stay with the babies and get hold and snuggle with the twins some. i love holding the twins. i also love making them laugh. i hope i get to rock the baby boy to sleep, and make our now walking boy laugh and maybe even chase our toddler boy around and make him laugh out loud some too. such joy all of them bring me.. but i have to admit, the twins are my favorite. so hopefully wednesday they'll be there and i'll get to spend time with them.

Posted by brooke at 08.53.55 PM

west and east.

lots of talk of folks going home and spending holidays with family. i talked to my brother last saturday. i asked him what he was going to be doing, he said he'd be heading to blacksburg. he, mom and meg (his wife) are going to be heading to ruth anne and jerry's for dinner.

ruth anne and jerry are the closest thing to an aunt and uncle on my mother's side. my mom is an only child. ruth anne has been my mom's best friend for.. goodness, a long long time. her daughter, jennifer, and zack and i practically grew up together. so, jennifer and her two kids will be there too. i've only met jennifer's son once. i've never met her daughter, whom i named ava after (i really liked the name ava).

so. i had a fleeting thought that i might see about a flight back east so i could spend thanksgiving with my brother, mother, meg, ruth anne, jerry, jennifer and family, and maybe jerry's two kids.. but with the money angst going on i decided not too.

but still.

i love oregon. i really do. i adore eugene. for the most part. and there are times when i'm really glad that i'm 3000 miles away from my family. but most of the time i wish eugene and blacksburg were closer.

when i lived in georgia and north carolina i could drive home pretty much anytime i wanted to. and that was nice. but now, now that i've actually got friends that i'd love for my family to meet, well.. it sucks that i can't introduce them so easily to my family. it sucks that i can't take my friends so easily back and show them the new river and the mountains that i grew up in. it sucks that miriam and i won't be able to go hiking on the appalachain trail once i get back into hiking shape. cause the appalachain trail is absolutely gorgeous.

for the most part i really am glad that i live out here in oregon. really i am. just sometimes i wish that the two coasts were a hell of a lot closer. this is one of those times.

Posted by brooke at 01.03.36 PM

November 21, 2002
thursday ramblings

well, lets see.. hmm.. um.

i've not posted in a couple of days. feel like i should?

okay. so i have plans for thanksgiving. pretty sure, at least. miriam (my lmt who has become my friend) was working out all the fucked upness on my left side last night and i was rambling about this and that and i mentioned that i was sorting through the various offers for thanksgiving day and then, totally out of the blue, she made an offer. well, i decided that her offer was one that i couldn't turn down. it will be with friends of hers, her, and her eldest daughter. i've been wanting to get to know her daughters better, so this will be the perfect opportunity. i have asked her to check with her daughter, just to make sure. so once she gets the okay from her things will be set. if her daughter vetos i will spend the day with my furries. but i hope her daughter doesn't veto as i'd like to spend the time with miriam, whom i adore, and her daughter, and get to know their friends.

what else? no babies yesterday. the 2 year old room needed help, so i ended up there. i was quite dissapointed. cause i absolutely adore those babies. the twins, a and b. and the baby boy c and the big guy, d. oohh.. the twins are just about to crawl! but, one of the teachers in the room i worked in went and observed in the baby room and came back and told me how much i am appreciated in there. to be honest with you, i didn't know that. really. i just do my job, and love on those babies. and i have a different style than the lead teacher. and, well.. i suck at taking compliments. so, it was really really nice to hear that i'm really appreciated in the baby room. thats nice, cause the longer i'm there, the more i love it.

what else? i mentioned i've recently discovered dar williams. well, i downloaded a bunch of her songs. so far my favorite is her song "iowa".. i downloaded it because of a certain friend but, well, out of the songs i have (which is only 11) its my favorite.

and on that note, i need to encourage my stomach to digest our late breakfast as i need to get a swim in before therapy. (i don't know how to do that, btw)

Posted by brooke at 11.26.25 AM

November 20, 2002
week

well, the optical mouse on this computer keeps freezing up. luckily the warranty on this thing is a year. and i bought it in april? i think so. i still had bucks. i was still working. yes. maybe even may? before i knew i was leaving. hmm.. just before the nervous break down. no, i did not buy it in february. was it a nervous breakdown i had? i don't know. anyhow, the mouse keeps freaking on me.

lazy past two days. finally got to the pool today for the first time in a week. nice.

nursery in the morning. hopefully we'll have kids there. then an appt w/ my lmt. then thursday an appt with my therapist at 2. friday an appt w/ the doc at 3.

yesterday (monday) a friend asked me about thanksgiving. apparently its next week. oops. not a big deal for me. i'll probably just go solo. i don't want to be all family like and such. well, i do. but with my furry family.

christmas (without the christianity) is my holiday. this year my mom will be in eithopia and my dad in thailand. zack, the brother, will be in fairfax w/ his in-laws. me, i'll be here in oregon, w/ the furries.

passport arrived today. it wasn't supposed to arrive for anotther month. i need someone to pay for me to travel the world. i'd like to go to israel.

yes, i said israel. i'd like to go talk to both sides. just as me. i'd like to experience that kind of fear.

no, i am not suicidal right now.

i just have the need to open myself up to that kind of experience. its to safe here. i'd like to know what its like not to be this safe. ya know? i'd like to talk to folks, see it all. its a dream. yes, its a dream of mine. i wanna understand people better. and where else are people misunderstood the most? isreal and palestine. they live next door to each other and they don't understand each other, if next door neightbors can't understand each other than how are people as far away as i am supposed to understand them?

yes. i'd like to understand so i can help others understand. its the whole peacenik in me. peace can only come through understanding and respect. you might not agree, but you can understand and respect the otherside. and if you have those two things you are better likely to have peace.

at least that is my humble opinion.

anyhow, if the land that israel and palestine is so important that people are killing each other every day than it must be important for me to visit. important to have a better understanding of who we are as humans.. maybe. i just want to go.. nothing wrong with that, right?

okay, bedtime for brooke, lily, max, ava, and smudge.

Posted by brooke at 12.32.34 AM

November 17, 2002
the peace anthem for today?

jerusalem
by steve earle
I woke up this mornin' and none of the news was good
And death machines were rumblin' 'cross the ground where Jesus stood
And the man on my TV told me that it had always been that way
And there was nothin' anyone could do or say

And I almost listened to him
Yeah, I almost lost my mind
Then I regained my senses again
And looked into my heart to find

That I believe that one fine day all the children of Abraham
Will lay down their swords forever in Jerusalem

Well maybe I'm only dreamin' and maybe I'm just a fool
But I don't remember learnin' how to hate in Sunday school
But somewhere along the way I strayed and I never looked back again
But I still find some comfort now and then

Then the storm comes rumblin' in
And I can't lay me down
And the drums are drummin' again
And I can't stand the sound

But I believe there'll come a day when the lion and the lamb
Will lie down in peace together in Jerusalem

And there'll be no barricades then
There'll be no wire or walls
And we can wash all this blood from our hands
And all this hatred from our souls

And I believe that on that day all the children of Abraham
Will lay down their swords forever in Jerusalem

Posted by brooke at 09.00.42 PM

lazy weekend

its been a lazy weekend around here.

see? (this is a picture of ava p. yawning)

we've not done much.

except go shopping for food. and then prepare some of it. and i did get all the bookshelves moved into place.

so the bears could have a permanent place to sit, finally.

i hope they stay there. i hope no cats decide to push them off. i hope they'll all be friends. thats pot and belly (the two lighter colored bears), and the darker one, well.. his name, currently, is ltdeb, or simply leeet for short. but i think i should give him a more distinguised name, don't you think? being that he now has to live with two dorks named "pot" and "belly".. and he does have a tie on (you can't see it in the picture), though its more of a ribbon, though he likes to think of it more like a southern tie. so, i just let him think that way.

my brother pointed me to, no pun intended by the bit just finished, bearshare. i've been slowly downloading the mp3s for the soundtrack to the movie songcatcher. i wish i had a utility that would convert the mp3s to standard cd audio form cause then i could share the music with my non-computerized friends. (yes, i have some of those). it is great stuff. after this i'm gonna go look for steve earle's new disc (i saw him interviewed on upclose about his new stuff, its great!) and some other stuff i'm wanting to get my hands on.

see, i'm getting tired of the tv. so, now that i'm starting to get my apartment cleaned i'm starting to rediscover all my books. and i'd rather not read them, or read stuff online in silence.. so i turn to music. and i'm tired of *my* music. and now i'm too poor to go out and buy stuff. so, all this napster stuff.. i'll go download some stuff.. and then ask for some stuff. and occasionally go over to cd world during their 3 for 30.00 sales and get a couple of cds, and then borrow cds from friends, i hope. and hopefully i'll build my collection. and read my books. i love folk, acoustic stuff. and bluegrass. but i *hate* bob dylan. i can't stand the guy's voice. i adore paul simon. yesterday, while i was cleaning, i discovered a john prine album.. is that his name? anyways, i hear his name all the time. so, i'll be popping him in at some point. and iris dement. her name i hear all the time. so, you get the genre by now.

oh, and for those of you who *haven't* heard about "bowling for columbine" yet.. my brother, who is into movies and *not* books, saw it last night. he said it was really really good. so, go see it when it comes to your town. and if it doesn't, rent it when the time comes, and if you can't rent it.. i'm sure netflix of whatever that place is that everyone seems to be raving about renting from online will have it.

on that note. here's a happy face for you to start the week with:

ps.
yes, i am a very bad dyke. i have *just now* realized how beautiful dar wiliams's voice is. :P

Posted by brooke at 05.30.34 PM