November 02, 2002
the current state of my illness

my illness has taken a serious downturn. and my doc is out of town for a week. fuck. things were okay, and now she goes out of town and i need to see her.. well.. NOW.. but i could wait till monday.. but NOOOOOOOOO instead i have to wait till my appt NEXT FREAKIN' monday. fuck. and when i say serious downturn i mean crisis mode.

oh yeah.. doc just loves crisis mode. oh yeah, and so do i.. i've slept as much as i could today. i haven't eaten much. spent a good portion of the day yelling at the cats, pushing them off my sleeping area.

i was going to go to the y, but forget it. my goal right now is to simply stay alive. yeah, you long term readers know that september 24th was the 1 year anniversary of my most serious suicide attempt. so, thats what i mean by crisis. and yes, i have called the therapist.

i'll go see the babies on monday and wednesday as planned. i'll try to get to the y a couple of times next week. i *have* to go to st. vincents and get help paying my electric bill, i got a final notice today. i might cancel my appointment with miriam on wednesday, i'm just not sure i have the energy. and, anyhow, what does it matter, she won't care. the only reason i really schedule a massage is so that i can see her, i really don't want the massage.

so. thats where everything sits. my illness has flared up again and no doc in town to help out. fuck.

Posted by brooke at 10.23.27 PM

October 31, 2002
okay, i surrender

okay, i give in.. its cold. yes, its cold its cold its cold. when i woke up this morning it was 18 degrees. even for the mountains of southwestern virginiia that is cold.

and being that my body is stiff from a long walk with my miriam last night its even worse. agh. agh.

my apartment has crappy crappy heat, and it has crappy crappy insulatin, so i'm sitting here in a long sleeve shirt, a wool sweater, a fleece hat, my treasured fleece blanket, and capeline tights. i slept with a skull cap on underneath the fleece hat and cats on my body. thank goddess for the cats. i'm gonna go for a swim at the y today. the pool is 84 degrees, and then i'll take a dip in the whirlpool which is 90 degrees. yeehaww!

oh goodness.

and finally. the guy at the passport office was really rude yesterday when i went to pick up an application. he looked at me and said, very rudely, "are you over 18?" to which i repliled (and should have been just as rude), "i'll be 30 in february." yeesh! then he was a real fuck about my quandry about the m. brooke thing. the m. brooke on every piece of id and tickets to greece vs the m_____ (full first name) brooke which appears on my birth certificate. i'd like the passport to say m. brooke. he implied that it would take the full 5 months to work this out. that stupid fuck. *roll eyes* if he's there when i go back in i might ask him if every government worker is as rude as him and if he only looks at the height of people when asking about ages. yeesh. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. i am so fucking pissed. how old do i have to be to age beyond 18?????????? i want wrnkles and gray hair!!!! seriously, i've been fighting this misappropiation of age all my life. people look at my height and simply make the assumption that i'm a kid. as an adult i know how we treat kids in our society, and it has caused me to treat kids with much more respect because i hate it. sorry, as you can tell its a sore subject with me.. but i'm almost 12 years past my 18th birthday and to get asked if i'm over 18.. its not a compliment. oh and i get that shit about how one day i'll appreciate it, but i don't buy into all that crap about wanting to remain young. no no no no no. i value aging. i value age. i value all ages. i celebrate each year cause each year i gain so much experience. no, i don't buy into this youth is more valuable crap. so, no, don't give me this "oh when you get older you'll love being asked if you are younger" crap.

agh. and on that note, i'm cold. and i need to wash my pits. miriam is gonna work on my bum shoulder this morning.. oh and i can't feel my fingers anymore.

Posted by brooke at 08.53.20 AM

October 30, 2002
okay, the nursery. this one is just for lisa. yes, *that* lisa :)

just cause i loooooooooooooovvvvee HER SO VERY MUCH!!!!

i volunteer at the nursery 2 days a week. on the two days we have a different set of kids. one day we have all toddlers. on the other day we have an eleven month old boy, a toddler boy, a set of nearly 7 month old girl twins (as of right now) and a nearly 7 month old boy. now, i need to be very unidentifying because everything about the nursery is strictly confidential. GOT IT? in fact, i'm not even sure i should be writing.. but i'm putting on my web hat here, and i'm sure i'm not letting anything about their identity through. yes yes yes.

so. today was the day with the toddler, the eleven month old, twins and the baby boy.

another great day was had. i can't believe it. i simply can't believe it. i'll call the twins a and b. and the baby boy c. and the eleven month old d. and the toddler e. should i make a key? so a and b showed up and i had b simply laughing and laughing in her car seat. what a joy. it is so heart warming to make those girls laugh. the way their eyes light up. and when baby boy c smiles. i haven't figured out his switch yet, like i have with a and b the twins, but i hope too.

eleven month old d had a much better day today, and it was the first day i ever made any real connection with him. i learned that if i laugh at him like my grandfather, on my dad's side, used to laugh at me he laughs and smiles. in fact i noticed that i sound very much like my grandfather. i'm definetly a robertshaw and not a wilkins.

and sweet toddler e.. he had a hard time after he woke up after his nap, but he is such a joy.

today i got moments with each of the kids. you know, moments where i was so tuned into them that i wasn't even aware that there was anyone else in the room with us. zen like moments. these are the moments that i signed up to volunteer at the nursery for. i almost feel like i'm starting to belong there. i hope so.

i'm working hard at not being perfect. that was my problem, thats why i didn't write, because i didn't enjoy it. i'm listening to my therapist. i'm now just working at just enjoying my time, and i think it is working for the better for me. because i'm more relaxed. the teachers ask me to do what they need me to do.. though i must admit.. i was rather impressed at myself today when i was feeding both baby boy c and eleven month old d. but that was also fun cause d, well, i'd ask him if he'd like it and he'd shake his head as if he didn't, but then he'd want another bite :)

i'm falling in love with this group of children. i really am. each one is a precious gem. each one is growing so fast, and the past months have just flown by. they are growing by leaps and bounds. its simply amazing. it really is. and i hope nothing happens and i have to leave them before i choose too. because i'm having such a wonderful time with them.

Posted by brooke at 02.23.44 PM

fall to the valley

winter has come to the vally. well, make that fall, but with winter temperatures, minus the rain. woke up just a few minutes ago with all four cats nestled in at my feet. i can smell wood stoves burning throughout the neighborhood. tonight and for the next few nights its supposed to get down to the lower 20s. yes, i know for some of y'all thats not a big deal, but for this valley that is. its also supposed to be relatively clear. normally we've got lots of cloud cover to keep the temperatures up, but the water flowing from up above. its going to be a chilly hallows eve here in our valley. all of this is fine with me. i was born and bred in a place where this kind of weather is par for the course. but i do wish this would bring some snow :).

time to get ready for the nursery.

btw, lisa.. last wednesday at the nusery was very rewarding, thought you might like to know.. took one out to run and run and smile and giggle on the playground.. another fell asleep in my arms.. and then right before it was time to go i figured out how to make one of the twins (we have a set of twin girls) laugh and laugh and laugh some more. i only hope that today goes as well. i left last wednesday with a big smile in my heart.

Posted by brooke at 08.47.03 AM

community action

i'm putting this here more to remind myself.. and also to let y'all know what our community is doing..

this comes from the eugene human rights commission, via the pflag list:

To have allies, we must be allies to others.

Hi Friends,
As most of you know, last week a group of people from our community chose to take stones and imprint swastikas on them. They then attempted to throw the stones through the windows of Temple Beth Israel during the Synagogue's Friday night service. The message they desired to send was clear. Eugene Human Rights Commission Chair Andrea Ortiz and I believe it is important that we, the greater community, respond to that message with one of our own. We want to send a message that is equally clear in our condemnation of hatred, bigotry, and intolerance. That using symbols of hate and tactics of fear are dead wrong. More important, we want to send a message that Eugene welcomes, cherishes and respects people of all faiths and that we believe our religious communities enhance and enrich our City. We are asking that you join us in a silent vigil outside the doors of the Synagogue on Friday, November 1, from 7:45 to 9:30 p.m. The purpose is to create a space for members of the Jewish community to worship in peace and safety at their 8:00 p.m. service, knowing that their friends and neighbors do care and wish to keep them from harm.

If you wish to join us, know that our plans are to stay outside the Synagogue so please dress warm, and please don't park in Temple Beth Israel's parking lot - we want to save it for congregation members. We would like everyone to consider bringing a card, note, or small token that expresses your thoughts or concerns. Temple Beth Israel is located at 42 West 25th, the corner of 25th and Portland Ave, one block west of Willamette. Do bring family and friends and help us spread the word. If you have any questions, please call the Eugene Human Rights Program at 682-5177.

Thank you for your consideration, Greg Rikhoff


Hello again friends,
I just received a request from Rabbi Yitzhak Husbands-Hankin to extend a warm welcome from the TBI congregation to anyone who would like to attend the Shabbat service. Please feel free to join the congregation if you desire. He says the congregation would be honored to have such friends praying with them.

As you spread the word, please let people know that they may choose between attending the service or joining the silent vigil outside.

being that i've been ill again lately, i've been doing what i always do when i'm ill.. i've been doing a lot of reading about the holocaust (for those of you not in the know, the holocaust is one of my areas of interest). in my many (re: 18-19 years) years of reading on the subject i have always hoped that i would have been one of the ones that would have risked her life to help those who were being persecuted. now i know that this is not the situation here in eugene, but this is still a situation where people have been threatned, where someone took a violent action against a group of people merely because they are jewish. and thats wrong. that is wrong. its wrong, its wrong, IT IS WRONG. and i NEED to show up at temple beth israel to show my solidarity with this community, to show that i care, and that i will do everything in *my* power to enable them to feel safer when they are coming together as community. they do it for me, in fact i share community with many members of temple beth israel. its the least i can do.

oh and while i'm on this subject of the holocaust.. since the war in afghanistan started i've been seeing liberal propganda crap (yes, *i* said liberal propoganda *crap*) comparing bush and hitler. bush is NO hitler. in fact there aren't many people in the leagues of hitler as far as evilness.

it makes me angry. it makes me really really really angry the way people in this country go throwing around the word hitler. the way people in this country compare just about anyone we don't like to hitler. i'm sorry, but that is just simply unacceptable.

my particular interest in holocaust reading is personal narratives. and i have read waaaaaay to many of them and i have seen waaaaaaaaaay to many figures, as in numbers of people killed, to be able to sit back and listen to the word hitler be tossed about as if it means nothing.

a few weeks ago someone wrote in to our local progressive rag about a movie about the homeless. now, i'd seen the movie and i'd pretty much had the same beef that she had about it.. but then she used the term "nazi propoganda".. now, if i'd been in a different state of mind i would have a) written into the paper and then b) would have confronted her the next time i saw her and thrown a few facts at her about the holocaust. no, that movie was NOT nazi propoganda. that movie DID NOT cause anyone to turn their backs while people were lying in the streets waiting to be deported to who knows where. that movie did NOT cause whole populations of people to throw hate filled words at people who were once their close friends and then turn them into police who they knew might very well do unspeakable things to them.. i could go on and on and on about what that movie WAS NOT in comparison to nazi propoganda.

as you can tell.. this whole making light of words like nazi and hitler infuriates me. i believe that if people are going to become unsensitized then they need to become resensitezed. 11 million lives is not something to ever become desensitized to. no, it is not ever something to become desenitized to.

and back to bush and hitler. these liberal idiots who dare to compare the two are the idiots. well.. them and bush. because it is my belief that bush is an idiot. and hitler.. i don't know how smart he was, but i think he was smarter than bush. and my conclusion, at least about bush, was confirmed today as i was watching one of those stupid entertainment shows.. bush home movies on the campaign. the man really is an idiot. but i will say this.. he might believe that some collateral damage is not a big deal, but i don't believe that he wants to commit genocide.

Posted by brooke at 12.13.42 AM

October 28, 2002
hate crimes

some morons threw rocks at the windows of temple beth israel while services were going on this weekend. this synagogue has been the target of many hate crimes and threats. i simply do not understand why humans cannot figure out how to stop hating each other. it breaks my heart. i know lots of people who go to this synagogue, i know them because of human dignity activist work. during the fight against an anti-gay measure the rabbi at this synagogue put his name out as someone who was against it. the people of eugene and oregon are all extremely lucky to share community with all those at temple beth israel. please send them your support.

Posted by brooke at 10.43.31 AM

skala eressos and mytilini

skala eressos is the birth place of the greek poet sappho. i plan to spend some time there. i've contacted a travel agency in the town. they've given me the low-down on a great place to stay while i'm there.. pension eressos. and they also told me that yes, the hotel sappho in the port town of mytilini will be open too!

my plans are slowly but surely solidifying :)

Posted by brooke at 02.02.44 AM

October 27, 2002
holy democracy sappho!

this is a view of athens from the acropolis. i can't wait to take my own picture.

my friend gl has suggested that i create a journal of my expectations of my trip, and then go back and fill in what my actual experiences were. i think i'm going to do it. only in blog form. what else hahahaha.. but seriously.. until i create the blog, i'll write it here and then move all those entries over there.

the more time i spend at the lesvos travel pages the more i'm convinced that my decision to spend most of my time on lesvos is a solid one. it is such a beautiful island. and so slow paced. i'll be excited to see athens, but i know i'll be overwhelmed after leaving the slow paced life of the island.

i've talked to my mom about my preparations and i know i've got my head on straight about everything.

my passport photos are done. i made copies of my tickets and have placed my tickets away for safe keeping, the copies are going in a folder for more safe keeping. medical inssurance will cover me. i know which pack i'm going to take, and i just read about the athens airport and that has just solidified my decision to take only carry-ons.

anyhow. i hope i end up meeting people there. i hope i make connections with the land and the culture and the island of sappho and the water.

i worry that i might freak out, loose it, etc.. because i'l get so tired from the flights and the ferry. i worry that i'll get overwhelmed. i worry that i'll get lonely. i worry about being so far away from the cats, from my family, from my friends, from virginia, from oregon, from gl and randy, miriam and the valley, dr. c and my therapist, perry and marsha.

but it is only 2 weeks, and i do have 5 months to prepare for it. and i will have drugs to take. and as with everything i do i will be more prepared than i need be. i will research and buy the cheapest phonecards in case i need to call back to oregon or virginia in case of emergency, and my stepfather and i will be in the same timezone so contacting him *might* be easier.

i won't be able to take my duck that i sleep with every night, so i'll have to find something else, something smaller, to sleep with. thats the biggest concern i have right now as far as comfort goes. thats an issue i'll bring up with the therapist.

i make a big deal about everything. i'm going to be traveling a far way by myself for 2 weeks by myself. i am excited and nervous. i can't wait and yet i know that when the time comes to leave i will be reticent to do so. my heart will fall and my stomach will be full of butterflies. i know that when i arrive in london all my doubts will be left behind, yet when i go to sleep in bed for the first time across the atlantic my homesickness will come flying into my heart. i know that boarding the ferry to lesvos will bring thoughts of great adventure. i know that slipping my body into the same thermal springs that artemis is thought to have used will be magical. yet i know my limits.

so.

holy democracy sappho. brooke prepares for the dream of a lifetime :)

Posted by brooke at 08.30.42 PM