October 19, 2002

i think i've pissed someone off.

i'm cancelling all my appointments for the week. since i'm mute i've got nothing to say to my therapist and my massage, well, i just don't want to go. i'm not in a good mood and i don't want to inflict that on her, like i did last week. not a good thing to do to a relationship i'm attempting to form. no, not good.

i wish i didn't have to go to the nursery next week. btw lisa, the nursery is the nursery. i've not made any strong connections with anyone. they are babies and i go and i hold them and play with them for 3 hours and then i leave.

i re-started the topomax yesterday. my dr thinks that it will soothe out my emotions, that the anxiety will stop. i've been floating for the past days. too many to count. re, floating = dizzy. its getting rather annoying.

okay, thats it. i'm going to curl up in bed now.

btw, i didn't go to the poetry slam. no one noticed.

Posted by brooke at 09.37.49 PM

mute

i've gone mute. nothing to say.

poety slam at fools cap books tonight.

Posted by brooke at 05.14.54 PM

October 17, 2002

so, i'm feeling the need to cut myself off from everything. i've attempted to sit down here and write the last 2 nights and everything i've written has been just gross. i hate that, because i've spent so many happy hours writing in this place.

you know, i believe in the mental health professionals. a lot of people i know don't. but i do. the system in which i'm in is one i definetly believe in. even if it is an unexact science.

that said.. i'm thinking about ditching my therapist for awhile. i'll talk about this with her, but i've just been spending money lately to tread water. its a waste of my time and her time, at least thats what it feels like.

either that or i'm doing too much? i'm also thinking about quitting my massage therapy appointments.

no, its not that i dislike either k the therapist or m my massage therapist. i adore them both, very much. but i'm just feeling very overwhelmed by it all. maybe its just tonight. maybe its that i'm having all 3 apointments in less than 24 hours and it feels like too much all at once. maybe having a massage therapy appointment right before talk therapy next week isn't a good idea. c, my md, suggested it, and k has mentioned it too. so, being that my spot got booked next week w/ m, i decided to try it. but right now, its feeling like overkill.

i am so tired of living .1 mile from the train tracks! dammit, between the hours of 11pm and 1am there must be a train every 10 minutes! and being that w/ in .5 miles of me is 5 crossings, that damn whistle just continues to go off.

anyhow. overkill and different therapies. c gave me a bunch of interesting things to think about today. one of which is that i'm too cognitive. she has experienced much of what i'm experiencing and she said that she's not even as brain centered as i am. i wasn't sure if i should take that as a compliment or not. deep down i took it as a big compliment.. but she said, in more words than i'm putting here, that my being so much in my head could be one of the things thats not allowing me to change. i need to change some core things and i'm not able to do that.

anyhow. jumping from subject to subject here. just so i'm putting this all somewhere. i've been working pretty big on getting over my crush on m, my massage therapist / friend. its working, i think. but she still has all the power in the relationship. once i'm able to give myself power i'll know for sure that i'm getting over the crush. and once i'm able to get through this gray area of a friend who is also a caregiver. its terribly strange for me. i tend to give my caregivers everything. thats something i *do not* do with friends. esp. in friendship relationships that are just building themselves. so, i'm having to trust someone in a way i've never done before. and i'm not sure i like it. but i do love m, as a friend, very much and she has been a wonderful addition to my life. so, i'm doing this.

okay, i'm not solving my not going to sleep problem at all. i think its time to throw ava and smudge off the bed area for awhile and hunker down and do some reading. hopefully that will get me to sleep.

Posted by brooke at 12.35.01 AM

October 16, 2002
things suck

i feel like crap. if i'm not way anxious i'm gone. i hate this shit. i feel like crap.

Posted by brooke at 09.21.27 PM

October 14, 2002
can you say "mood swing"?

agh. so, yeah.. i've got an appointment with my md on wednesday afternoon, and one with my therapist on thursday morning.. i'll discuss this with them.. but i know mood swings when i experience them. mood swings and hypo-mania.

i was talking to my friend r tonight.. i mentioned that i was going to talk to dr. c about going off the new drug-- lexapro. i told her it was because i've spent time in hypomania all the days after trying to go up to 15mg. she said i sounded rather manic. my hypomania has been mentioned each time i've experienced it.

so, from my interpretation, i'm going off. yes, i've been taking 12.5mg and its not doing anything to my symptoms. maybe i'm just making a quick judgement.. thats why i've got my professionals to go over this with.

but, in the past 20 minutes i've experienced a high, a self-doubting low, a bit of paranoia, and another high. *blech* and did i mention i'm having a hard time concentrating? oh yeah, and my earthquakes are back. earthquakes: i feel like i'm moving, but i'm not. actually, i've developed sort of a theory about the earthquakes-- i'm the only one detecting all these little minor earthquakes that are happening, in fact i've gotten so sensitive that not even the computers that the geo-scientists have on the fault lines are able to detect them! *agh*

okay. so, there is discussion about a domestic partenership registry in eugene. i'm avoiding all news on it. right now i can't take any anti-queer discussions. and i am so filled up with anxiety i just can't deal with getting worked up about the issue right now.

i'm watching the special 20 / 20. i really feel for y'all in the dc / va / md area. i can't even imagine what y'all are going through, though i keep trying. just the mention that this is taking place in my home state hits too close to home for me. but for it to be happening in my home.. no, i'm lucky, my home is in SW Va, not Northern Va. anyhow, i've been watching *that* story, a lot of because its closeness to home, a lot of because i know that area as well as i do. my brother's in-laws are there. we've got friends there. so, hang in there y'all. my heart is with all of you.

and on that note, its bedtime for this talkative person.

Posted by brooke at 10.43.57 PM

spoiled.

i am so spoiled.

both my folks are going to be off the continent for the winter holidays, one in thailand and the other in eithiopia. a question sometimes comes up about what i want for christmas. i've decided that if the question comes up this year that i'm going to help out with the shipping.

i don't want anything.

okay, thats a lie.

what i want is cash. i'd like to do a bit of traveling. re: treveling off this continent. and being that i can do so at anytime, i can get the cheapest fares.

i've already done some looking into it.

we'll see.

but i don't want any more *stuff*...

Posted by brooke at 01.04.13 PM

monday morning notes.

i'm up, i'm awake.. pretty much. gosh, didn't sleep well last night. didn't sleep long either. the one morning i really need to sleep in and i can't. *sigh*

i've got to finish my apartment project by today for my friend. she needs a place to actually take a full on bath here in town, so i told her she could come over here. but i've got to get some things cleaned up first. and i told her it'd be available by monday. *agh* the bathroom has been scrubbed, but i've got some picking up to do in the rest of the apartment. *agh*

i've also got to work on my volunteer project website. i was going to do it today, but being that i'm as tired as i am i don't see it happening.

i've not had many nightmares, but last night, or re: this morning, i did. woke up 3 hours after i fell asleep all paranoid and shit. left the kitchen and bathroom lights on and even with that it took me awhile to get back to sleep. my one logical thought was that this is due to trying to up the lexapro again. i tried to go to 15mg about 2 weeks ago but i got hypomanic, i'm thinking its happening again-- based on how my thoughts were moving last night and this morning. i'll see how i feel tommorrow morning when i wake up.

okay, and on those boring notes i should turn this machine off. got to head to the nursery.

have a good day y'all.

Posted by brooke at 09.06.12 AM