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October 12, 2002 life at 11pm on a saturday night. 11pm on a saturday night. i just got finished watching the hokey movie that came with the box of lucky charms. i've got a cat curled up beside me, and another one curled up on my chest. there was a march against war with iraq in eugene today. i was going to go, but i think i'm coming down with something, so i decided not to go. people are organizing lots of stuff around here about it. the homeless folks have also been organzing around here. they want a safe space to sleep at night. not too much to ask. the public has not rallied in support around the issue. they decided to make noise today. a treesitter climbed up in a tree in the middle of saturday market and used a bullhorn to talk to all the folks about the issue. it made the local news. i have ended my relationship with the woman i was dating. or, gl did. it was an accident. anyhow, i'm not seeing her anymore. thats fine. i'm in no space to be in any kind of lover relationship whatsoever. friendships are all i want / need / can handle right now anyhow. i've been developing a new friendship. with my lmt. its an interesting process to go from someone i had a professional relationship with to having a personal relationship with that same person. i've got boundaries around my professional caregivers. anyhow. i think its a good thing for both of us. at least i hope it is. she knows about my anxiety. she knows about my shaking. she knows what my anxiety is putting me through. i had a rough night on thursday, so friday i called and asked her if there would be any chance for the two of us to meet up so i could have a hug. she called me this morning and we met up this afternoon for about 1/2 an hour. we ended up in the clothes shop next to mother kali's. at some point we were standing together and i was helping her with a bracelet and i was shaking and all.. and because she is my lmt she knows my body quite well.. at some point she just turned to me and put her hand on my sternum.. on my heart chakra. anyhow, it was this moment of knowledge that she was able to summon that no one else can. anyhow, the reason i'm putting this here is because it was, for me, a very touching moment. i calmed down once she did that. it was nice. anyhow, i'm quitte happy that she and i have become friends. but our friendship scares me. its been intense from the beginning. intense at the beginning relationships never seem to work out. right now i'm listening to the band viva la diva. i had an intense relationship with the bassist of this band. like miriam (the lmt) and i have now. it ended within 6 months. i only hope that i've grown as a person enough to be able to sustain this friendship. yes, miriam is very comfortable. and incredibly safe. but so was the bassist of this band. i've been spending more time with my cats lately. they need the love. max is much happier when i'm around like this. his hair has completely grown back. and he doesn't scream nearly as much as he used too. and ava pearl is spending more time on my chest. she's a cat who can't get enough love. enough cuddling time. she'd make a great cat for someone stuck in bed. someone who appreciates her constant need to be held. i do my best, and most of the time she is happy and i am learning how to accomplush tasks with a cat on my chest. i'm also learning to appreciate all her sweet looks and the many different cuteness that happens while she is sleeping on my chest. the only rule i have is no bath taking, but she's taking a bath right now and i'm not stopping her. my mother is currently in ethiopia. i need to get some books about that country. i need to read up on the history and culture. its become an important place for our family, now that my stepfather is there for 2 years. i've got some jewlry and other assorted items from there that my mother has brought back for me, and i'd like to learn about them. i really should take my meds and go to sleep. though i feel like shit tonight. both emotionally and physically. i just hope this physical illness doesn't last long. i don't want to have to miss my appointment with miriam on wednesday. okay. thats it. Posted by brooke at 11.16.46 PMOctober 11, 2002 normal times. these are not normal times. i'm 3000 miles away, yet i know my home is in danger. these are not normal times. i am affected by what is going on in the dc metro area. i listen and watch. and i know these are not normal times. the dc metro area. sniper is afoot and war is the word of the day. no, these are not normal times. i wonder.. how did my grandmother and grandfather feel during their not normal times? and my mother and father during their war? now, its my turn. and i know that these are not normal times. i hear about more death, and i have no comprehension of what it would be like to be there. my brain goes from place to place, memories from my past. i've spent many an hour walking the mall of museums. how incredibly careless i was, how i didn't bother to look behind me, to look around. and now i wonder how many people walk those museums right now. and i know that these are not normal times. i'm 3000 miles away, yet i find myself more jumpy. if it can happen there, it can happen here. i jump at my neighbor walking behind me at night. i yell at the same neighbor, meaning to be sweet and playful, me jumpy at the news that comes from afar. don't sneak up on me, i tell him. don't sneak up on me, not in these times. i overreact. my concern should be on the day to day living. but i know that these are not normal times. i am uncertain of where my life will go next. "when you don't know what direction you are going in, any road you take will get you there." i am uncertain of what direction our world will go next. "when you don't know what direction it goes in, take the safest route." war is not safe. guns are not safe. my mom is safe. "no one will attack ethiopia, there's nothing there they want." these are not normal times. what is the next day going to look like? will there be big bombs? when is the next terrorist attack? should i go home? is it safe? will i get stranded there because of war? because of a sniper? because of violence instead of pacifness? these are not normal times. and i fear the incompetence of those in charge. these are not normal times. i say, lets take the offer to duel it out. i wonder why can't we remember humanity. i wonder why we have to be mean. these are not normal times and i wonder why it has to be so. October 09, 2002 50 questions i stole this from dania. 50 questions. 1. Your name spelled backwards. ekoorb 3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? 4. What's your favorite restaurant? 5. Last time you swam in a pool? 6. Have you ever been in a school play? 7. How many kids do you want? 8. Type of music you dislike most? 9. Are you registered to vote? 10. Do you have cable? 11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? 12. Ever prank call anybody? 13. Ever get a parking ticket? 14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? 15. Furthest place you ever traveled. 16. Do you have a garden? 17. What's your favorite comic strip? 18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? 19. Bath or Shower, morning or night? 20. Best movie you've seen in the past month? 21. Favorite pizza topping? 22. Chips or popcorn? 23. What color lipstick do you usually wear? 24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells? 25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? 26. Orange Juice or apple? 27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine? 28. Favorite type chocolate bar? 29. When was the last time you voted at the polls? 30. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? 31. Have you ever won a trophy? 32. Are you a good cook? 33. Do you know how to pump your own gas? 34. Ever order an article from an infomercial? 35. Sprite or 7-up? 36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? 37. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? 38. Ever throw up in public? 39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love? 40. Do you believe in love at first sight? 41. Ever call a 1-900 number? 42. Can ex's be friends? 43. Who was the last person you visited in a Hospital? me? 44. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby? 45. What message is on your answering machine? 46. What's your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character? 47. What was the name of your first pet? 48. What is in your purse? 49. Favorite thing to do before bedtime? oh wait.. my favorite? see none of the above. not sure. 50. What is one thing you are grateful for today? October 07, 2002 it's gone! well, fuckerdoodles... its gone! (re: carolyngage.com is no longer carolyn gage's website!).. i was just about to sit down and start working.. luckily the ftp site is still there.. and probably by the time anyone reads this it will be back.. anyone else register with myhosting.com have a problem with their website disappearing? myhosting is no longer myhosting, so my thought is that its connected to that.. but i don't really know. Posted by brooke at 05.45.11 PM
Not in My Name
yes, i disagree with this whole war against iraq crap. yes, i support peaceful resolution. yes, i believe that killing more people won't achieve anything. yes, i hate war. i don't know what its going to gain us, to bomb iraq. except for more hate. and this country is already seething with it. hate hate hate. last night i was thinking about a lot of things. i was thinking about my mother's remarks about how safe she felt in london.. and then watching a show on pbs and remarks about how safe tokyo is. and then thoughts about how dangerous it is to go walking along the bike path here in eugene. see.. i don't get it. why are we so concerned with sadaam when people are terrorized by other citizens in THIS country every day, night, morning, afternoon, hour, minute, second.. why are we concerned when we can't protect ourselves from ourselves? you know, jail doesn't work. jail is humiliating, from everything i've heard. i've been locked up, on a psychiatric ward, and i don't ever want to be locked up again. i don't see how jailing anyone can solve problems. jailing me in a psych ward didn't help me in anyway. i played good little girl and got out.. didn't change my thoughts at all, i simply refused to go back. i am a prisoner of my own brain and i refuse for my body to become prisoner too. no, i don't get it. i don't understand why we live in such a violent society. i don't understand why we continue to kill ourselves and themsevles and weselves. why is it so much safer i london? and tokyo? and why do our thoughts instantaneously go to violent means to solve problems? no, i don't understand why sadaam hussein is as cruel a man he is. but does his cruelness mean that we have to go bomb his country? its not like our country is free of cruelness.. its not like our government policies don't cause people to suffer. what makes us better than him? our so called democracy? our ability to speak out against the government? our so called tolerance of other people? we are not a country of tolerant, loving people. proof is in the pudding y'all.. and a woman is raped every 3 minutes in this country. it could be less time. we have children in foster care who are loosing their souls. we have people in jail who are just waiting for time to move so they can get out. we put people in jail who shouldn't be there. we have murdered innocent people in our penal institutions. and the stories just go on and on and on.... i just don't get it. i simply do not understand why we have to go and start a war like this. it scares me. war scares me. i wonder what will happen. i wonder about the innocent lives that will be lost, both here and there. i worry about my family and friends on the east coast. last night i read through my stepfather's journals from ethiopia. he's there for 2 years working with the government. what a whole different world that is. i'd love to be able to go over and visit. i'd love to go over and experience what he is experiencing, what my mother is experiencing when she goes over. both of them talk about the conditions over there.. the extreme number of poor people, the destitute, the needy. and so i guess my thought is this... instead of bombing iraq why don't we spend all that money on eithiopia? if we aren't going to protect oursevles from ourselves, why don't we use all that money --->projected at billions a month ----> and help out a country like eithopia? why don't we take eithiopia under our american wing and help those people out, if we are vowed not to help ourselves out? *shrug* i'm no foreign policy expert. all i know is that this war in iraq thing is wrong. and i'm scared. and if only we could stop being a big bully i wouldn't have to be scared. i hate being scared. Posted by brooke at 01.45.55 PMOctober 06, 2002 shoes patti wrote about shoes and clothes.. i gave her my opinion. birkenstocks.. well, birkes and tevas. i have several pairs of birkenstocks, and one pair of tevas. tevas are summer wear, or wet weather wear.. re: like a trip to the coast. tevas are less formal, birkenstocks are more formal. and birkenstocks with a heal strap are the most formal. personally, my favorite style of birkenstocks are the boston, and the arizona. my tevas, are simply the standard original. all 3 pairs of sandals are easy in, easy out. i've been wearing all three for years and became a bigger fanatic about my sandals when i moved out here and realized that i could go all birkenstock, all the time. no need for flats or loafers of any kind. i know i've got some flats around here, but i don't know where they are. instead of flats i wear my formal birkenstocks: a discontinued kind that have a heal strap. kinda mary janeish looking. yes, it makes my life easier when i don't have to go searching for shoes, when i don't have to contemplate what to wear. something i like about the west coast, something i like about eugene.. not very formal. patti also talked about clothes. i used to be a big clothes hound, but these days its come down to the very basics. the most comfortable. i don't have to dress up anymore, so dressing is about practicality, not about impressing anyone. i have a pair of jeans, a pair of overalls, and a pair of informal pants from turtle island clothing company. plus i've got 3 pairs of shorts that i'll wear in any weather. on top of the pants i've got some t-shirts, some button downs, 2 summer dresses that can be made wintery by simply adding a shirt underneath and jeans/ overalls/ pants underneath, and a few longsleeved pull overs. pretty basic. the overalls are great cause of all the pockets, esp. the top zipper pocket. my cell goes there and i can hear it go off and grab it quickly. plus all the other pockets.. when i'm at the nursery with them i can putt all sorts of things in my pockets throughout the morning and simply empty them out before i leave. yes, quite handy to store urp cloths, snot rags, and toys that are causing problems. of course the dresses are nice too. and i always wear shorts or pants underneath, so i still have the added advantage of pockets, and when i'm wearing shorts i get the shock value of pulling my dress up to get things out of my pockets in public. well, i've never noticed anyone looking shocked, but i'm just hoping that i've missed a look here and there. so, yeah. that was boring. what i wear and what i don't wear. i'll tell you this: its a hell of a lot easier now that i don't work. i really can wear whatever i want too, and the only times i need to be aware is the 6 hours i'm at the nursery: nothing that has anything pokey on it, cause i don't want a kid to get poked. and on that note, its time to put the chicken away and to take my meds and head off to sleep. gotta be up early in the morning. Posted by brooke at 10.23.29 PM |
I sing with you
Solo: on her own adventure, ed. Susan Fox Rogers Cunt: A declaration of independence, Inga Muscio
Various Dar Williams Various John Denver
movies i wanna see
american civil liberties union unitarian universalist association
admired
enjoyed
july 14 in the life of brooke (for patti's day o' pics)
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