September 27, 2002
it's an illness

every now and then i have to reassure myself.. it's an illness, it's not me. okay, that's a lie. not every now and then, at least right now... right now i'm dealing with the great failure that i see that my life has become.

but i have 2 very seasoned professionals watching my back. and this week i took to both of them my feelings of failure, and both of them were reassuring. both of them were comfortable. both of them were grounding. both of them said what i needed to hear about where my life is now. both of them continue to assure me, in their own ways, in different ways, in ways that i appreciate. there is incredible newness in my life and they're place in my life before my life decided to implode keeps me here. and k's 3.5 years in my life is a warm comfortable quilt. i've only been in oregon for 4 years, so she's pretty much been through it all out here with me.

so, it's an illness.. it is an illness, though, that can hide. that i can put aside. that ebbs and flows as it wishes, that i still haven't learned how to manage. though i must admit that not having the additional stress of work, i am able to cope better.. not great.. but better.

before i left work i was assured by my 2 very seasoned professionals that i do suffer worse than the average person. i was assured that what i was experiencing was not normal, that i, as a person was okay but that i was-- indeed-- very ill. no acts needed to be played for anyone, because the facts of my suffering had been carefully detailed over the last 3.5 years, all of which included records of disccusions of previous history of this illness and its place in my life. before i left work i was assured by my very trusted, very seasoned professionals that i was doing the right thing, even though i was leaving what was a dream job, even though the political situation was sticky, and that i was not a failure.

i hate how i have learned to mask this illness. i hate how i mask this illness. i hate how i am not able to be alive in every situation because of my illness.. my reluctance to trust, my inability to communicate my needs to those who ask. its a skill i'm working on, but i have yet to suceed when the seconds are ticking and i need to make the cut.

the past 2 weeks, and the continuing time is about this illness and where to next. and i'm not sure of that answer. i'm not sure of anything. okay, thats a lie. i'm sure of several things. but these new things.. now that i'm settling down and looking around my life and seeing my life as it is in this moment.. i'm simply unsure. its all so scary. but as i've said, my heart is fragile, but it has many a battle scar. i'm just grateful that as i look around my new life that i can also see people and places, here in oregon, that have been around for awhile. and i'm grateful for those wonderful souls and those wonderful sceneries, because they've watched this ride of mine. and they assure me that i made the right decision. that i'm not a failure. that this is an illness, that it's not me.

Posted by brooke at 11.42.48 PM

when you get

so, i put my heart on the line today.. and it got handed back in the form of a laugh, and i took that laugh and connected with.... let me count.. 3 people i absoluely adore, called and left messages with 3 other people i adore. told all the ones that live in eugene that i wanted to get together with them at some point.

anyone watching the emmy's the other night probably heard this quote: "When you learn, teach. When you get, give." ~Maya Angelou

well, i got the gift of laughter today, so i figured i'd do something with it.

Posted by brooke at 10.05.20 PM

i'm still around

i'm still around, but i've just not been spending much time on the net these days. hense the reason for lack of posts, i just haven't had a lot to say. i've been stuck in my own head.

its amazing what kind of head trips i can play on myself. so, i'm stuck in my own head these days, trying to sort out my new life. after some months of working at making sure i'd have money to live on, now my life is just.... so, i'm in my own head trying to figure out the next step. and trying to figure out all the newness of it. new people and new experiences.

life changes, in ways we don't expect. i've always had a plan. i've always planned ahead so nothing unexpected would happen. well, the unexpected has happened and i've been thrown for a loop. my "life plan" is no longer on course and i'm not sure where the trail is. can't find the markers any more. so, i'm looking for them. and its a process i can tell you i don't like. i hate the unexpected. i've never liked change. and the unexpected, well.. i can't stand it even more.

but i'm learning a lot. i'm learning a lot more about the heart. today i might learn even more about the heart? we'll see. my heart is a fragile one. but its one thats got a lot of battle scars, so i have to trust that if it ends up in another battle that it can handle it.

so, yeah... on that note, thats where i am these days.

Posted by brooke at 10.25.33 AM

September 22, 2002
eugene celebration

okay, so i had a great day at the eugene celebration. the eugene celebration is exactly that, a celebration of all that is eugene. i got up late and didn't arrive at liz's place till right before 7, me being my anal self i was afraid we might not get parking and such, but we got perfect parking and then headed over to the library to watch the parade, take some pics and me get my hug from miriam.

i got my hug and more. yes, it was a fabulous day. the time i spent with liz couldn't have been better. and then for awhile we hooked up with miriam and that time was just as great. got to see her in a different light. she got to see me in a different light. (btw, miriam is also known as m. my massage therapist) needless to say i couldn't have asked for 2 better companions. we ended up at a drumming performance, the 3 of us dancing our hearts out in the back. i took pictures of my 2 companions in motion, those were the only 2 pictures of the day that really turned out well, imho, and if i get permission from them, i'll post them here.

the day ended in cottage grove, back at the spot that liz and i discovered last week for skinny dipping. the day was hotter than both of us expected, so we just decided to head south. perfect way to end the day.

i think liz ended up heading back to the celebration to watch women in blues, but when she called i told her i wasn't about to leave this couch. no, my body is exhausted, but my mind, unfortunately, is not. it is still trying to make sense of it all. the love that surrounded me this afternoon... between liz and miriam.. i couldn't have asked for more, and i'm simply honored that both of these women have entered my life in the way they have. and i've already been over, in different language the "are you for real?" with liz.. i'll probably do it with miriam too. the two of them just blow me away. and to have them together, even if it was for a short amount of time, just a couple of hours, for me, was simply wonderful.

as i said to liz on the phone tonight, i spent sometime tonight wrapping myself in the love of her and miriam tonight. that was nice. i can't wait till i see either of them again.

thank you goddess for sending them to me.

Posted by brooke at 12.10.55 AM