rivervision's attempt to figure it all out...

September 07, 2002
what on september 11th?

so, last week roni mentioned that IT was only a week away. she said this on the 4th. yes, the anniversary of that day was only a week away. she talked about what she'd be doing that day.

i commented. i thought i'd comment here.

i'll be doing things. yes, it will be my first shift as a classroom assistant (volunteer position) in the baby room at the relief nursery. the relief nursery provides help to families in need. i love babies. i'm good with them. i've worked in a child care center and had 5 babies under my care, all alone, at one time. i have a degree in early childhood education. *and* baby therapy is good. as long as they aren't my own right now, being with babies is a good thing for me. i know that from previous baby holding experiences. so for 3 hours on september 11th i will be doing what i can to help the lead teacher care for babies who need me.

i'll be keeping my cellphone close. i've got a dear friend who might need me. and i'm honored that she might need *me*..... its nice to feel needed, ya know? or even possibly thought of maybe being needed. so, i'll be spending the day sending energy to her.

and the day will end in the best possible way. with m. a massage. touch therapy. thats better than talk therapy for that day. becaue the day will be kinda surreal. even 3000 miles away i won't ever forget that day.

i hate that day. i hate that day and what this country has done about it. i hate that day and what its done to people i love. i hate that day, no not nearly as much as others, but i hate it. and people here are taking action that day. okay, peole here have already started taking action. its a week of action. and i don't want any part of that.

too much pain has been caused by that day. here and over in afghanistan. and its not fair. and i don't want action, i want peace. DAMMIT. that's what my grandfather would say. DAMMIT. my father says it too, and i've gotten it from him. but i want the pain to go away. i want it to stop. all this pain being caused by that day. and it continues, it continues amongst so many of the not heard.

so, i hate that day. i hate that day and for all the pain it has caused. so, its going to be surreal. but i'm grateful that at the end of it i get caring hands laid on me. and luckily the massage is not a selfish thing.. cause m says she gets a whole lot out of doing the touching as i get from being touched. so hopefully the day will end on a positive note for her too, because she'll get to do what she enjoys so much.

*sigh* i just want it over. and i want this talk of war to be over. i'm tired. i'm tired of all the violence. and i'm rambling. but can't we just work as humans to stop pain? where is that in any one politician's agenda? STOP THE PAIN. how hard is that, it's the most humane thing that could be said. and yet they don't. they only talk war. they only talk violence and retribution. and that causes pain. and, take it from me who knows, not physical pain, pain.. we have to stop it. we have to stop the pain.

please please please can we just work as humans? why did we have to learn more violence from that day? why didn't we learn humanity? i just don't get it. i simply don't get it. the media might portray some acts of humanity, but as a whole we are not acting as humans if we want violent retribution. no, we need to reach out and stop the pain.

maybe i'm just some hippy who lives in eugene, oregon, home of one of the most famous hippies of all time (or, would that be former home?)-- ken kesey-- who believes in love instead of war. but i do. because. well, i'm just rambling. and i'm tired.

Posted by brooke at 01.09.34 PM

September 06, 2002
new day.

new day. new drug. new clothes (free). new anxiety. same tears, same fears. lexapro, released on the 5th. lexapro and my old friend topamax. topamax is also prescribed to loose weight. i like that. depakote wasn't my friend.. it caused me to gain weight.

okay, okay.. i'm being rather hypocritical. LOVE YOUR BODY, BE A FAT FEMINIST!!! yes. yes. yes. i agree.

but this is my body, and that drug made my body my no longer body. VERY FEW people in eugene knew me before.

i had a doctor make ME question MY body. i KNOW my body. and i gained weight. i was on the depakote and i gained weight like you wouldn't believe. and a doctor that i was SUPPOSED TO TRUST, told me it was MY fault.

see, i know my body. at least as a young person i know my body. i behaved the same way in the 8 months i was on depakote that i behaved for nearly 4 years, and what happened to my body in 4 years DID NOT happen in 8 months.

and see, i trusted this guy. i trusted this doctor. you are supposed to trust them. and when they say its a then you believe them. for some fucked up reason i didn't listen to my own intuition. i didn't understand. all i knew was being depressed, a new job, 3000 miles away from my home, actually making an effort to conquer this thing that had chased me for years, making an effort to get rid of the thing i thought i could leave by 5 days on the road, 2974 miles traveled.

but i figured it out, all along that it was a lie. that i should have been questioning him all along. i did some research about another drug. see, this doc got caught by a blood test. he got caught blaming me by a simple blood test, one that at first he didn't think we should do, but then changed his mind. yeah, that was a different drug.

so, the weight thing. you've now read the shortness of a long story that goes on to this day. the reason why the topomax is so important to me. because it will un do the damage caused. it will un-depakote my body.

and i don't know how un-depakoted my body will become. ultimately, i'd like to end up in the clothes i arrived in oregon in. but that might not happen. and the rest, the rest of the un-depakoting... i'm on disability now. i can start to focus on me. my job NOW is me. so, the rest of the un-depakoting, hopefully i'll get to the point where i can do it on my own. something i've been unable to do.

see.. so thats why FOR ME the topamax is what i want. and yes, people should be proud of their bodies. and all the dieting and all the shame that we put on big women, its gotta stop. and that our press and media and clothing shops have forgotten that the vast majority of women are over the size 14 makes me angrier beyond belief.

but again, this is my body. and why it is today is wrong. and i'm still angry. and i hate that i'm still angry. but i am. i am so angry at that doctor that i let every person i possibly can what he did to me. that he made me question myself. and i wish i could let go of the anger i have at this man. and no, its not because he's a man, its because he made me question myself. just thinking about how angry i am at him now brings the tears to my eyes. and the fact that he still practices in this city. and that i know that i'm not the only one he treated like he treated me.

so, i'll stop. i'm just rambling at this point. but i hope you get it. that i'm pro fat-feminist, but i'm not pro doctors who do what he did to me.

oh yeah, and the lesson i learned.. the biggest lesson i learned from all of it.. always question them. always question those doctors when your gut says too. they aren't gods and goddesses, they are our equals, they just know things we don't. just like we know things they don't. always question. always question. always quesiton. always question.

Posted by brooke at 10.21.21 PM

It's back!!!

Well, I just would like to say:

MY BLOG'S BACK!!

Thank you so much Brooke for letting me share your space these last couple of weeks. I really appreciate it!

Thank you all for being patient with me!

Posted by at 09.46.01 PM

September 05, 2002
just when i think.

things have taken a major downturn. my mind is a blur and i'm not sure what to do next, its time to run again. no, not really run, no not leave eugene, but do whatever i can to run from the pain that had escaped me for a few days. well, except at night. but now its back at its full force.

i'm not sure what to say. i had an extremely powerful experience last night. the kind that makes you cry in front of someone else, when you've only ever cried like that in front of *one* person. i had an extremly powerful experience last night and i can't get my head around it.

luckily today i spent time with the therapist. the one who knows me better than anyone else. the one who has been to hell and back with me more than once. i didn't realize the grounding affect on me my visit would have. but it felt comfortable to walk in and see that same face i've been looking at for 3.5 years. that same person who, like i said, has been to hell and back with me more than once.

its the new people. and this new person and the powerful experience i had. i can't say anything more.

today, i hurt, and its not because of this new person and the powerful experience. it was the aftermath, the grounding that i attempted to do that i wasn't allowed to do.

sometimes i feel like i've got the weight of the world on my shoulders. i offer too much of myself. this last week i've felt like i've got the weight of the world on my shoulders. supporting one, and another, she knows i'm here and she can call *anytime* with any emotion from drunken silliness to a mess of tears (and you are reading this, and don't let this get you to NOT call me. because to hear from you for me is terribly important, okay? got it, dammit? :) ).

thats it.

Posted by brooke at 03.17.16 PM

September 04, 2002
m, alix, visualization, and continuing to fight.

so, i'm sitting here listening to alix olson. whats new? i'm going to be giving a copy of her cd to my massage therapist tommorrow. i have remarkable powers of visualisation. i developed them when i was racing kayaks. i had to learn to visualize the course as i was going down. i only had one practice shot and then was the real thing, so, what do you do instead to practice? you use your brain. you visualize. you put yourself there. see.. i can still put myself at the beginning of a race. i'm in boat, and i'm on deck. then its my turn, and that countdown begins.. and even now, as i'm writing this, i can feel it. i can feel my heart start to beat.. just thinking about the countdown before my turn on the course. but at the countdown i'm not thinking about what's being said.. at 5 i'm thinking about the strokes. at 4 i'm thinking about the first gate. how i'm coming at the first gate, at 3, how i'm coming out of the first gate, at 2 the approach to gate 2 and at 1 thats when i hear it, thats when i hear the voice, cause thats when its time to go. and see.. the 5-4-3-2-1 countdown used scare me, till i learned much better visualisation skills. and if the race coming up were on a course that i was familiar with it was easy, practicing the countdown at night, i already new what to expect. if it were on a new course i would spend time every night counting down to myself, just imagining myself in my boat on a river, making myself relax, because i knew that if i didn't relax at the countdown i was screwed, but its not a relax like a massage.. its a different kind of relax. its a-- not being scared-- relax. so, you got my point. i could sit in bed 12 hours away from the race course, i still can, and think about those last 5 seconds. yeah, the way they were then, when i was racing, i still got those in my head, and my heart still beats hard, and i concentrate on the adrenaline and pouring into the purpose ahead, instead of pouring it into the air around me.

so, i'm listening to alix tonight, from the perspective of hearing her for the first time. one difference is i know the words, kinda like when i knew the course, but the feelings. i'm listening to her tonight to get that perspective on the emotions she conveys. and shit, i lost my point. i'm listening to alix, for the first time. like each race was a first time. and i'm thinking, how *is* m going to respond? how would i respond? i don't know m very well at all. but i know she's a warrior. that i know. i know she's an alix olson kinda warrior.. you know, feminist and all that jazz.. she might be heterosexual, but she'll get it. she'll see this image of this 23 year old and i hope she'll get it. i can't imagine her not getting it. i can't imagine her not hearing alix's words not only about revolution but applying them to herself and knowing she's fought a good battle. i hope. its strange trying to listen from someone's perspective that you don't very well. but i know her politics, and thats what alix is all about. politics.

and then i'm thinking. carolyn. she's gonna get carolyn gage tommorrow too. and i'm gonna attempt to read carolyn the same way. just joan of arc.

its amazing when we try to put ourselves places that we aren't. its fun trick i can play. its a miserable trick i do play.

but tonight. i'm listening to alix. and i'm listening to her talking about her daughter and then birthing herself into her own grown woman.. and i'm visualizing m, and i'm seeing the look on her face when politics come up. and i can only hope that what i saw on her face, will be there when she listens to alix for the first time.

i told her the other day that it was our time to fight the battles, us younger ones. m said she was bit tired. but she fought them when she was younger. and i'm hoping that alix, being younger than me, but wiser in years than i'll ever be, will give her that hope. that hope that yes, in fact, the younger generation has taken over the fight from her generation. i'm hoping that the pictures i include with the cd, pictures of a young woman, will allow her to sit back and enjoy it all.

alix talks about growing old. i like that. and i imagine m liking that too. that alix's cd is not only about being a dyke, that its about so many other issues. the way she confronts society with her her light-hearted, thoughtful, anger.

i'm hoping that what i'm visualizing tonight is what m experiences in her own experience when she listens. its about hope, ya know? its about hope that these women are spreading these words and people are listening and taking action.

m is smart. i can't imagine her not getting it. even the jesus song:

because yeah.. on one hand its a dyke seducing a straight girl.. but on the other hand its about touch.. ya know? she says ANY BODY.

and then, to be honest, i think think about the touch thing. and this poem is clearly about sex. but she also talks about touching. and m is a touch healer of her sisters. and i hope she sees that in that poem. that what i saw as i was writing this down for this ramble of mine. and that night i learned that skin is where this revolution is gonna begin, / touching one woman at a time, /
showing there's no crime in feeling this good. yeah, those lines especially. that m, and all the other wonderful women-centered LMTs, touches us, that m heals us with her touch. that what she is doing now, she might not be on the picket lines, she might not be yelling and screaming at the top of her lungs anymore, but m is touching us and healing us through her touch, so we can fight, m helps to heal me, so i can can start fighting again through this weblog, like i used too.

so, i'm sitting here tonight. listening to alix olson. thinking about bits of conversations between m and i, and conversations that a friend who also goes to her has shared with me. and i'm thinkin' that m will like it. that she'll appreciate alix's words.

and then carolyn. carolyn is less dyke oriented in her piece. she more radicaly feminist oriented. but she's a hell of a lot more angry. and so i'm bit worried about that, because m is the epitome of peacefullness.. though, like i said.. you can see the fire in her eyes, or hear it through the phone when we start talking about wimmin centered politics.

and i'm not sure the point of this post. i'm just having this experience. i've cried a whole hell of a lot. crying for m to come and hold me and take away of all my fears. but she can't do that. i know that. but i was crying for m to come and nurture me, where i used to cry for k. and so i thought. lets stop crying, and lets listen to this. and lets think about what i'm about to hand over to her.

and i remind myself that yes, i'm pretty fucking sure that m will get the meanings behind it all. because, its some pretty heavy stuff. and i'm just a massage client. but. it's all good.

and i'm grateful for my power of visualization. of putting myself someplace else. i only hope i've put it right tonight.

Posted by brooke at 12.27.30 AM

September 03, 2002
me, sept 3, 2002

and for your viewing pleasure:
brooke, sept 3, 2002
a close-up, taken while on a visit to the social security office. and yes, for those of you who *DON'T* know, that is a double-female symbol tattoo on my arm :).

Posted by brooke at 08.08.41 PM

*whew*

who the hell would have thought it would take all day to get a friend moved into a new place.. a friend with one small load of stuff? agh. leave here at 8.45am, and i got home at 7.15pm. of course, i left her place at 6, had to do some grocery shopping.. but yeesh. but it was a good day. we had an interesting time. going to a couple of interesting places that i personally never want to go back too: the social security office and wal-mart.

tommorrow, at this time, as i'm writing this.. i'll be on m's table. oh i hope the goddess doesn't do anything to get in the way and not allow me to have my massage, that nothing happens that i don't get to see m.

oh and btw, just for my own comment sake.. i use letters of first names only, to protect confidentiality, but i wish i could write her name out, because its absolutely beautiful, in my opinion. a common one, but a beautiful one at that. just thought i'd throw that in there.. but until i can convince her that she could really use a free website, done and hosted by me, she will have to remain anonymous (she said she is not exactly one with technology). one of these days... justt one of these days.

oh and my friend.. l, the one i spent doing errands with, i hope to make her less anonymous, but only when she's ready. she's terribly shy that one. but as i've written, has become a dear dear friend and terribly important in my life, in the short time we've known each other.

okay. i'm off to see if the printer will work, clip some pics.

Posted by brooke at 07.42.21 PM

September 02, 2002
stop it!!!!

okay, so.. more outrage from brooke today. and this has been stirring.. and in fact i’ve talked to a couple of people about it already.

I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT SEPTEMBER 11, 2001. and i live 3000 miles away. from what i hear, the folks actually *in* NYC hear about it a hell of a lot more about it than i do.

see.. here’s the thing that i need as a human being who mourns.

the event happens.
a big deal of some sort is made about it.
slowly but surely what goes on around the events stop.
true mourning begins.
true processing begins.
true remberence, but trauma slowly but surely goes away.

now.. lets take the example of my most recent personal trauma.. the death of my grandmother. if i had to go to a funeral for her everyday, if i had to deal with everything you have to deal with right when someone dies everyday, i’d be too caught up in that, and my mind wouldn’t be given the peace it needs to deal with her death. my mind would essentially stay in shock mode. i’d have no chance to step back, live my life, live my life with this loss, this huge loss.

and this is what i believe is happening with the events of september 11, 2001. we keep hearing about it and about and about it.. and the people in new york city, those people, they, as a city, were affected much greater than those of us not there. we were NOT watching it from our offices, our apartments, the city streets, breakfast with a friend. they were. those of us not in the city weren’t there to hear the sirens going down our streets day after day after day after it happened. they were. those of us not there, experienced this in a different manner. and people might disagree with me, but were you there? *in the city*?

and see.. those people in that city. they need a break from it all. they need a break. no, not a vacation. no, we shouldn’t send the whole city of new york on vacation (though i’m sure they’d appreciate it).. they need it to end. they need to be able to live their lives with this great loss in their city, without being reminded of it every day.

without all the hubbub, don’t you think they’d be reminded anyways? i mean... shit. watch an old repeat of friends, or nypd blue, or any of the many many tv shows that have been filmed in that city. there’s always at least *one* shot of the world trade towers. that alone, is a reminder.. much less than the fact that this huge part of their skyline is gone. that those who went by the towers daily, weekly, monthly are able to see that they are gone.

these people need quiet. i hear stories of people who feel guilty for the fact that they are *still* upset about that day.

well, fuck, if i lived in nyc, i’d still upset about that day. how can you not continue to be upset about something that you are continually reminded of by the press. not just old memories, or old tv shows, or old pictures.. but current press and current politics. how the fuck can you not still be upset?

3000 miles away, i’m recovered. but i’ve got a dear dear friend who isn’t. she’s not 3000 miles away. she lives in the city. she was born and raised there. that skyline has been a part of her life forever. she was one of the dailies.. she drove by the towers every day. *and* she could see them from her apartment, on top of all that. and so, she tells me what she’s going through.. what she’s continuing to go through. she tells me about her fears. she tells me about what goes on in her head. and i don't like it that she *still* feels this way a year later. and thats why i’m writing this.

its selfish. i need all the press to stop, i need for the city of new york to stop talking about it. i need the news and the talk shows, and the news papers, and every place else, to simply be quiet. because, i need my friend to be able to stop hurting. to be able to remember, but to be no longer traumatized.

Posted by brooke at 11.19.23 PM

So, anyone else for skipping out?

Hi all...

Sounds like a lot of people are had a rough week last week. My week sucked ass. Not only did I make a HUGE blunder in my witch life, I let my roommate, and now ex-covenmate, play me like a fiddle and come between my two very best friends in the whole wide world.

I feel really stupid about the whole thing. Her getting kicked out of the coven was entirely her fault, but my mistake didn't help matters any.

So as you can tell, it's rather stormy here in the Dyke House...

I have no idea what's going to happen now. I'm just hoping that the roommate doesn't try to break our lease. I also hope that she remembers that rent is due. I will demand that if she wants to move, that she stays until I find another roommate.

The more I think about that, the more I kinda hope she does. I mean, she's nice enough, but she's a real pain in the ass sometimes.

But then again, I haven't seen her since last Wednesday night, so who knows.

*sigh* Dammit, why can't I live with someone who's not psycho? I mean, not that there's anything wrong with someone being bi, poly and kinky, but why is it that I end up with all the psycho ones????? I think my next roommate should be male. Maybe a gay professional who likes to read and watch movies. I wouldn't care if he's kinky or poly or not, but he would have to be someone who leaves it where it belongs, if you know what I mean.

Hell, I'd even go for a straight nerdy guy. Especially if he liked Star Wars and Star Trek. He'd just have to make some decent money and bathe regularly.

*sigh*

Posted by at 02.38.02 PM

the wnba season

so, yesterday i was outraged about my mental illness. today i am still outraged because of my mental illness. in fact, i am even more outraged. i am outraged at myself. each day that happens i become more and more outraged at myself.

but thats not the point.

the point is i'm pissed that the wnba season is over. DID IT NOT JUST FUCKING START??????????

we get a whole 3 months. woohoo... should we get down on our hands and knees and thank the great patriarchial god for the three months? should we feel blessed that we have been given anytime at all? should we?

thats what everyone would want you to do.

fuck that shit.

did you know that the wnba is doing better financially at this point in its history than the NBA did at the same point in IT'S history???? does anyone bother to notice that? no the fuck way. they just expect us to be grateful for the little they've given us.

and the little they've given the teams. did you know that the teams have to fly commercial airlines? no, they don't have private jets flying them from place to place.. they spend just as much time in airports as you and i do. well, fuck... for 3 months they spend a hell of a lot more time in airports.

and the salaries.. the average salaries? in the 40,000 dollar range. but of course, we should be grateful, because the patriarchs have given us a league.

HOW aoubt stop paying some of those egotistical men so fucking much and putting it into the women's league. you know, those women who are actually grateful that they have fans? you know those women who work their assess off all fucking year long for a 3 month stint in the legaue? you know, those women who play with their hearts and souls every day and every night because they are finally grateful to have something in their home country, finally a way to play and get paid.

fuck. the whole thing just pisses me off. I HATE BASKETBALL... BUT I LOVE THE WNBA becaue those women are willing to do anything to play the game.. everyone except for the best female player of all times in this country, teresa edwards. she refused to compromise with the wnba. she refused to take this patriarchial bullshit, and the wnba suffered for it.

while teresa was out working her ass off on her own to prepare for the national team, while teresa was standing on her morals and knowing she was right, the other players played. and they get raw end of the deal. they get a huge raw end of the deal. i'm not sure what is worse.. training by yourself everyday or playing for a league that doesn't give a flying fig about you, that sees you only as a filler between the men's season. either way, both teresa and all the other players get screwed.

if there were a male player like teresa edwards they'd have paid him millions upon millions upon millions of dollars. fuck, thats what they'd be paying sheryl swoopes, lisa leslie, t-spoon, tina thompson, jackie stiles, ticha pinnechero, yolanda griffith, michelle timms, cynthia cooper, kim perrot, and and and and and all the other players in the league.

shit. this patriarchy knows that it is getting the best talent in the world and its taking advantage of every single one of those women. and it doesn't give a flying fuck. fuck, they got LAUREN FUCKING JACKSON... she's a freakin' baby and she *is* one of the best players in the world, because she knew that playing in the states would be good for her. fuck, i can't believe she came for the money. i don't believe it for one minute.

for some fucking reason there is prestige to playing in the united states. i don't know what the fuck it is. okay.. well, it could be that we keep winning all these gold medals at world and olympic championchips. that makes sense.

and if we're doing that, its time to compensate. its time to take money out of the male egos and put it in the non-female egos, let them know how valuable they are. let them know that they are worth something. its time to start treating them with even an inkling of respect that the men get treated with... because they certainly treat the fans with that kind of respect. they certainly treat the game of basketball with that kind of respect.

no, you aren't hearing about any of the wnba players breaking laws, or choking coaches. no, you aren't hearing any of that.

you are hearing that they are grateful. and its time to do somethng about it. fuck expansion teams. lets go with expansion seasons. lets go with local news covering local teams (eugene news covers the seattle mariners, the portland trailblazers, but not the portland fire).

it just all ticks me off how these women are treated. luckily they can go over seas and get the respect that they deserve. higher salaries too.

shit. its ol' corporate america giving a shit about one thing and one thing only.. the penis. never mind the vagina. its all about the penis and thats all it'll give a shit about.

i know ths is just a game. but you know what? slalom kayaking was just a sport for me. i know the passion by which these women love their game. i understand why they want to play in america. and i understand why they are wililng to take such piddly sums to do it.

but the money is there. its in the pockets of the male players. its in the pockets of the ceo's, in the pockets of everyone who has no matter of it. yes, the compenssation for what these women go through for 3 months needs to be in their pockets.

we use money to show appreciation in this country. well, its time to start showing the players of the wnba some appreciation. and its time to let them start playing longer. let them enjoy the game they love, to its fullest extent. let them not worry about each and every game and whether it will hurt a playoff contention. let them do their job. THEY ARE DOING IT. and do something about treating them with a hell of a lot more respect than they are getting.

Posted by brooke at 01.27.28 AM

September 01, 2002
and my own outrage

so the entry before was a lot about outrage. well, i've got my own. and i'm tired, so i'm not going to go fully into it. but i can tell you i'm outraged at how the mentally ill in this society are treated by insurance companies, by, well... the vast majority of society.

i am tired of being a freak. i am tired of having to explain why my brain doesn't work. i am tired of not finding a drug that will work. i'm tired of them putting all this crapping money into finding the genetic source of breast cancer when that is just a minority of breast cancer cases, instead they could funnel more of that money into understanding the brain and underestanding mental illness.

i'm sick and tired of looking so able, when i'm not. yes, i'm tired of having a hidden disability. i'm tired of having to do the awarness work that i do.. "yes, i'm a depressed person." because if i don't do it, who the fuck will?

yes, it needs to be done. people need to come out of the fucking mental health closet, because we live in a society that still would rather just push us aside.

you think my work place understood my illness??? FUCK NO they didn't. one of the adaptations they said they could give me was an adaptive keyboard. WTF? is that adaptive keyboard going to make me happy in some way?

i'm tired of crying at night. i'm tired of knowing that in 24 months my long term disability insurance will end, because i suffer from a mental illness, instead of a physical one. i'm tired that insurance companies put a limit on the number of visits you can have to treat mental illness.

i'm tired of switching from drug to drug to drug, wondering if this one will help, knowing that we really won't know. and i'm tired of people commenting about how i switch from drug to drug all the time when they don't know why the fuck i do it.

i'm tired of worrying about whether my mood will be good enough to do plans made far in advance.

i'm tired of knowing that there are so few places in this world that i feel fully safe with my mental illness, i'm tired of the fact that there are so few understanding people in this world about my mental illness.

i'm tired of suffering from this damn disease for all these years, and i'm tired of the fact that people think there is something wrong with *me* and they don't understand that i *really* have a disease, and a very serious one at that.

i'm tired of not trusting anyone. i'm tired of a family who doesn't know what to do with my disese and my therapist saying "i'm ambivilent about you going home, but i'd be a lot happier if you went home you also saw perry and marsha, because they will provide the emotional support you need."

i'm tired. i am so tired of this fuckiing disease and all that comes with it. i'm tired of having to hide it and i'm tired of the fact that i'm so fucking good at hiding it. i'm tired of not being able to show it to hardly anyone. i'm tired of people walking out of my life because they can't handle the pain--- hense why the fuck do you think i only trust my caregiving professionals?

i'm just plain tired. i'm tired and i'm outraged that i have to speak up about this disease to make people aware. fuck, everyone is aware of cancer. i'm tired that i'm still thought of like a freak by so many. and why the fuck can't i get my house clean?

i'm tired of putting my friends through my actions and in actions, my appearances and dissappearances. i'm tired, i am so tired of this disease. its bad fucking enough that i got stuck being 4'8" tall, that i have a drive for perfection, but i can't do anythinng about it because i'm sick.

and yes, i'm sick. i'm just as sick as someone with a "phyiscal illness"... and why the fuck do they separate them out? if i'm takind drugs, i ovbiously have a physical illness.

i'm tired of being scared of my future and what my life will be like with this disease. or not like.

i'm tired of it all, and i'm outraged at it all. i'm outraged at mental illness. i'm outraged that people say "you need to learn to work with your illness.. FUCK THAT. I WANT IT GONE.

i'm tired of people hearing that i suffer from depression and then giving me unwanted advice about treating it. you know, that happened the other day when i was at m the massage therapists office. i mentioned my disease for some reason and the nutritionist said "you know, i might be able to help, there are some amino acids that could help you." DID I ASK YOU? btw, she was very nice, and m said she was very good, but still. i was in that office to make appointments with M not anyone else. I WAS NOT THERE TO GET ANY MORE ADVICE ABOUT MY DISEASE. dammit. people have cures everywhere. i've got a fucking masters degree and 2 professionals treating me, they wanna suggest something, go ahead.. but un asked for advice? what, am i an idiot or something who doesn't know how to go out and find resources or ask my professionals for other resources? do people do that with people with physical diseases? do they feel the need to butt in and give them the miracle cure? well, i got a miracle cure for you---- GO SEE A THERAPIST AND THEN GO GET ON PSYCHOTROPICS. that'll fix you right up. oh no, no one wants to hear of traditional methods. they just want to be pushy assholes.

fuck, i can't wait till wednesday. my massage and my time with m. i need her right now so much i think it's scare her, and i'm outraged that i need someone that much. i need her motherly loving energy. i need her to hold my hand, and i'm outraged that i can't provide the comfort she provides for me for myself. i want her to hold me. when my massage is done, i want to curl up in the sheet and i want her to hold me. i want someone to hold me. and i'm outraged because i can't hold myself.

and i'm outraged at so many other things i could just go on and on and on.

Posted by brooke at 03.10.33 AM

my favorites from "The Second Coming of Joan of Arc"

okay, so, you remember when i said that all you feminists, radical feminists, radical lesbian feminists, separatists, etc.. out there had to get alix olson's cd?..

well.. now i'm here to say.. there's one more piece of work, IN MY HUMBLE OPINION, that you have to get your hands on: The Second Coming of Joan of Arc and Other Plays. my favorite one is, as you can probably tell from my mini biography over there -->, is "The Second Coming of Joan of Arc"

So, now i'm going to share with most of my favorite quotes from it.. there are quite a few, so here goes (fyi.. all the following content is copyright by Carolyn Gage, 1994) *of note* She refers to Joan of Arc as Jeanne Romee in this work, as there is historical note that she took on her mother's last name of Romee*:

"Puberty. The beginning of periods, which means you can have babies. The beginning of breasts, which means you can nurse babies. The beginning of feeling self-conscios around boys, because you have this opening between your legs they all want to stick themselves into."
"Puberty is about the loss of privacy. It's about living in a body which has become public property. It's about foreign invasion, about occupied terrority."
"The truth is, there is no man on earth who can stand in the way of a woman who is utterly convinced of the rightness of her actions."
"There's a lot of pain in being a freak, but there's a lot of respect. People have to deal with you on your own terms -- they can't project their fantasies onto you."
"A woman who hears voices is a lot more dangerous than a woman with an army. Keep that in mind."
"So.. how do you torure a woman?

Well, you can tie her up on the rack and rip her bones apart from the sockets. That's one way. Or you can tear apart her mind and her body. Now there's two ways to do this: You can pry her body away from her mind, or you can pry her mind away from her body, either way, it works out the same thng. You stop the woman. She can think but not act, or she can act but not think.

To pry her body away from her mind, you need to physically humiliate her. Of course rape is the most traditional method, but not the only one, by any means. you can ridicule her body, or make fun of the things she does. You can make her self-conscious about her looks. You can make her strap her breasts in. You can make her embarrassed about her periods. You can make her frightened of puberty, frightened of sex, frighted of aging, frightened of eating. You can terrorize her with her own body, and then she will torture herself.

Now, if you want to pry her mind apart from her body, you have to make her believe she's crazy, I mean you can put her in a courtoom and have all the experts certify that she is mentally incompetent, but again-- there are a lot of other ways to go about this. You can just annul her. We all know how that goes. Interrupt her, change the subject, ignore her, patronize her, trivialize her, dismiss her. You can deprive her of her history, of her art, of her spiritual traditions. You can restrict her contact with other women. You can have a fit over women-only space-- like the whole rest of the world isn't men only.... You can lie to her so chronically and so comprehensively, the lying becomes the entire context for her existence. Its not terribly hard to make a woman believe shes crazy, if you control all the resources."
"You think the days of the Inquisition are over? Every woman who's ashamed of her body is a victim of torture. Every woman who doubts her own judgement is a victim of torture."
"The fear of rape, as men have known for years, is just as effective as the real thing. The woman is scared to live alone, scared to go places by herself, scared of the dark, always looking over her shoulder, waking up at the least sound in the middle of the night. She is perputually distracted, self-conscious, subervted, terrorized. She might just as well have been raped, which of course, is the whole point."
"It takes a lot of energy to be outraged. Its hard work."
"There is no mercy for women, because our crime is our gender. We have got to fight."
"Rape is the crucifixion of women, and I (she is speaking of her character Jeanne Romee as I here) am proof that there is life after rape. Even more life, because when a woman is raped, she buries that part of herself which is accessible to men. Now, in rape culture, they'll try to make you believe that's everything-- but it's not. She rises again with what no man can penetrate, her self-esteem. She is reborn, in her own image."
"Do you remember when Dorothy exposed the Wizard of Oz, and you heard the booming voice say, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain"? Well, let me tell you, when we women begin to expose the actions of men, we hear this sacred voice urging us to protect and forgive. This voice is so ancient, so powerful, so authoritative that we're over come with guilt and shame -- even though we're the victims!

I am here to tell you something about that voice. The voice telling you to protect and forgive men, that voice urging you to be a little more patient, a little more tolerant--- that is not the voice of God. It's the voice of the men behind the curtain. The only reason it sounds like God is because they have been amplifying themselves for two thousand years and using a lot of special effects."
"God the Father was a lie then and is a lie now, and all the hierarchies modled after him-- the governments, the armies, the churches, the corporations, the families! -- are illegitimate. We will not convert them. They will martyr us. We will not convert them. We must fight for our own causes, women's causes. We must clothe ourselves in slef-respect, arm ourselves with our finely-tempered rage, and obey only those voices that we women alone can hear."
"There is one crime I (Jeanne Romee) committed. Its one they overlooked in my trial, but its one for which I suffered the most-- the one for which I suffer everday. I confess it. I denined my love for a woman, and I denied the woman who loved me.

So, there was no "Saint Joan of Arc, " whith her legacy of glorious martyrdom. but there was a Jeanne Romee who made the terrible, terrible mistake of trying to find a substitute in the world of men for the love she had experienced in the arms of a woman."

so, thats it. there are many other plays in the book. it is an excellent book. excellent excellent excellent book. i'd say more, but i'm tired. and i think i made my point when over there ----> i say "and she has huge crushes on alix olson and carolyn gage (these are from afar)."

Posted by brooke at 01.30.55 AM