August 24, 2002
social life

all of a sudden it appears i have a social life. well, thats what i call getting together with people other than the *one* i've been hanging out with. monday i'm going over to a couple's house, whom i met the male half, for dinner. he and i hit it off and he thought that his wife and i would, so dinner on monday it is! and now, now if only i can locate r's number in the phone book, which she *said* was in there, but it doesn't *appear* to be in there, then she and i can reconnect. that'll be nice. i might help l find a place to live tommorrow, we'll see, something might pan out for her tommorrow.

so, the question of the moment. i've just woken up, got dressed, but forgot the bra. braless or not? not like anyone is going to respond in time. ice cream social at mother kali's. $1 for ice cream, all proceeds donated to the store. you know, i'm kinda jealous, this woman gets to sit outside the store for a few hours and sell ice cream to make some money.. i had to stay up for 24 hours!

Posted by brooke at 01.38.30 PM

i'm trying, i really am

ohhhh how i am trying to stay in my budget, but i'm not succeeding. going from what i was making a month to nothing, and essientally living off of 60% of what i was making, cause thats what the long term disability people will pay me, if they accept my claim, and that is unfortunately what my bills are (and i've made cuts), is *INCREDIBLY* hard.

oh my. i've had 4 hours of sleep. i just took a xanax, that'll put me back to sleep. i hope. its light outside, people on the east coast are up and running.. some people here are up and running. i, i am not.

i went to the coast last night. it was a treat. l and i went. i just suggested we go at 7.15pm. we didn't stay long, but it was wonderful to be there. neither of us had ever been at the ocean when it was so dark. we couldn't see the waves till we were up on them and could feel them at our feet. the whole experience of being at the ocean.. hearing it, smelling it, feeling it but not being able to see it was pretty incredible, at least for me. and luckily i know the twisty turny road down there really well.. normally i'm a bit weary these days of country roads at night, but this road, no problem.

oh, and the fire that was 25 miles west of eugene, its 100 percent contained. we drove through the area, but i didn't smell any smoke, till i got to the coast, and i think that was from a fire i saw some other people burning.

what else? i think i finally have an idea for a new design for this website, if i can get the background texture to work. that and i really suck at cutting things out of pictures, so if i can get a piece of a picture cut i don't think it'll look half bad. at least it doesn't in my minds eye.

and? oh yeah. freakin' amazon.. i ordered something for someone else.. it said "ships with in 24 hours" did that on the 19th.. it still hasn't been shipped. i don't know when it will be shipped... if its on back order they should let me know, and then maybe i'll send the person an e-card telling them to expect it sometime.. i am SOOOOOOOOO freakiin' pissed. its a surprise and everything and i wanted the person to get it asap. *but* the software that i ordred 3 days later *has* been shipped.

goddess i'm boring these days. i want to write, but i'm not sure what to write about. i mean, instead of these daily reports of my life. i wanna write like patti.. i was at one point. i think it got lost in the depression somewhere.

but i do have one piece i need to write about the depression, but its not anything spectactular. and maybe 2. but the brain. well, my dr and i determined that i'm stupid these days cause of the xanax i'm taking. and i'm taking a lot of it. re: my memory sucks, i'm not able to write, i can't comprehend things i used to be able too, etc.. its actually probably a combination of the depression and the xanax, esp now that i've crashed again.

and on that note, i think i might be feeling the xanax kicking in. hopefully time for more sleep for brookie.

Posted by brooke at 06.48.52 AM

August 23, 2002
thursday night / friday morning

i found out today that a woman cannot get an abortion between portland and san francisco. this is scary. *and* planned parenthood has no plans to try to fix the problem... they are about education. fuck that.. luckily there is a group in town that is gathering to dialouge and try to fix the problem. if things stable out for me i hope to get involved. i cannot believe a woman has to travel to san francisco to get an abortion. and ru-486 i'm not even sure if that is available in this town.

on the ru-486 note, i read on the ms. site that one of the drugs in the combination has been discovered to help women with severe depression combined with psychosis, and apparently the fda is fast tracking it-- first time ever for a mental health drug. i've not read it any place else. of course. so, not only is the media afraid of reporting about the drug, but when its found to be useful in another way, its still afraid to report on it.

pisses me off to no end. the whole situation that we are in in the pacific northwest as far as abortions pisses me off to no end. we used to have a clinic -- all women's health services - but they closed due to lack of funds. and planned parenthood... i'm going to write a letter to diane duke- head of our planned parenthood-- telling them that they are being just a bunch of fraidy cats not to get involved, when they do fight so hard to keep choice, at least politically. and now they are backing down when it comes to the actual need? fuck that. liberal group my ass. they can talk the talk, but when it comes to needing to walk that talk they won't.

anyhow, like i said.. when / if things get stable with me i plan to get involved in the group in any way possible.

no things are not stable

things have taken a serious down turn in my mental health. i'm upset on many fronts about things. i'm even a bit upset at my doctor that it took me saying something particular to her for her to realize that a certain side effect was NOT okay. and my just plain frustration with this drug.

i was a brat yesterday when i saw her. i told her all my friends laughed when i told them she thought alix olson was angry. so, we're talking about my health and then she starts talking dr. talk, which i can't understand, and i tell her that. so i say "well, if you are going to talk dr. talk, i'm going to sit here and read something outloud that is REALLY angry." that would be carolyn gage. i didn't, and she is going to work on this particular problem.

blood work today. hopefully the results will be in by next wednesday when i see dr c.. and i went over to the psychiatrist who did the consult but never got back to dr. c. she's on vacation till the 23rd. if i or dr c. don't hear from her by the end of next week, you can bet i'm head over there to demand my money back. and the insurance money back.

what else? busy / expensive week next week. i'm concerned about money. all these care takers of mine. tuesday is therapist k plus 2 hours of testing, wednesday is dr c., thursday is m the massage therapist, friday is k again. and i'm more than out of money for the month. but its necessry.

i talked to k today about doing 1 week talk therapy with her and 1 week touch therapy with m, she didn't think it was a bad idea, but, as with dr c's concerns, i've been seeing k twice a week, so to do it right away wouldn't be good. but soon. yes. soon. just need to talk to m about what happens if i end up crying on her table. i think she'll be okay with it. but its still an issue.

its been almost a month and insurance still hasn't approved the dental work i need. when i get really depressed, when things crash, things hurt, and my cracked tooth is hurting. i need to get this stuff done. before the deductibles kick back in. cause i won't be able to afford it at all. i really can't afford it anyways, but i have to have it done, esp. this tooth.

have i mentioned that the terror of being turned down for long term disabilty has kicked in again? it comes and goes. k says, dr c and i are my allies, and k says even r (my old psychiatrist), he's a nice man, he'd probabably be willing to be an ally too to help me appeal. nice to hear.. comforting, but still i'm terrfied.

okay. i think the xanax is starting to kick in.

appreciate all of y'all who read my ramblings, really.

oh yeah, note to self.. deal with student loan consolodation.

Posted by brooke at 01.26.59 AM

August 22, 2002
i knew this would happen

do you hear it?

CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yep. i get 2 good days and then i crash heavily. fell asleep last night at 9, woke up at 1.30. took my nightly drugs, plus some xanax to help me get back to sleep... slept / rested till 6.00am.

and today i feel like shit. last night i felt like shit. right now i feel like shit, and i'm exhausted and i've got to go get blood drawn. then while i'm in that neck of the woods i've got to go inquire as to why the pscychiatrist i did a consult with on june 5 never got back to my dr.

i'm giving this psychiatrist these options:
a) write a letter to my dr with her thoughts on my case
b) call my dr about her thoughts on my case
c) give me my records
d) refund my co-pay and the insurance money because she didn't fufill her end of the bargain.

i'm going try to be as nice aas posible about it, but i'm tired, i've not eaten (can't, the blood draw is a fast), i'm already pissed at her for being such an idiot and not giving a flying fig, i will hve just had a needdle stuck into my arm, and they are goig to take more than normal, because she wants more than just a cbc (this drug that i'mon can be bad for the liver, so she's doing that, my anemia might very well be back, and a couple of other things) oh and did i mention i've CRASHED and feel like utter shit?

good thing i've got therapy at 11. but after that i'm back on my own to deal with the fact that i've CRASHED. if things don't start to look somewhat back up (they don't have to be like monday and tuesday after my massage) by 12 or 1 or so i might call my dr and see if i can get in to see her tommorrow, because if this is a true crash, then it doesn't bode well for anything. i'll ask my therapist what she thinks.

oh and have i mentioned. next tuesday i get to take 2 hours worth of psychological tests. we-- my therapist and i, and my dr i'm sure --- want to see what kind of "official diagnosis" we can get.. i think. i had menitoned i'd taken some tests back in grad school, and she said it would be a good idea to retake them.

oh yeah, and one positive note. dad reassured me that yes, after deep tissue massage its not uncommon to be sore.

oh yeah, that and my brother is going to give me the money to cover the 30.00 that the rebates don't cover for ez cd creator platinum, which i need to get my cd/rw running on this xp machine.

Posted by brooke at 08.36.11 AM

August 21, 2002
xp sucks!

I HATE WINDOWS XP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but i love smudge-cats.

Posted by brooke at 01.18.29 PM

gina?

can anyone tell me wtf is up with gina? aka the boston dyke. is everything okay?

Posted by brooke at 10.00.19 AM

alix again

okay, so you feminists, you radical feminists, you radical lesbian/bi frendly het feminists out there that read this. i'm putting the word out. YOU NEED TO GET A COPY OF ALIX OLSON'S "BUILT LIKE THAT"! cdbaby.. you can get it at cdbaby.. in fact its on the top selling lists over there. YOU CAN FIND OUT MORE AND HOW TO ORDER IT HERE i know. unfortunately some of you are poor, cause, well radical feminists just tend to be. BUT it is SOOOOOOOOOO worth it. i promise you'll get back every dollar you put into buying it, just with grins and laughs and "you go girl's!" oh and there are pictures of her on the cover (of course). so, if are one to appreciate women, you'll be rewarded, yet again. (actually, just go to alixolson.com to check out how cute she is, and to find out more information). BUT GO NOW! if i had the cash i'd buy a copy for every one of you!

yeah. dig-it. i put on "cunt country" for a new friend last night. you should have seen the grin that INSTANTLY came across her face :)

okay, thats it for my advertisement. i'm still blissed out on my massage with m, and have been invited to dinner with a couple who i met 1/2 of last night. all of a sudden i seem to have a social life.

Posted by brooke at 09.38.13 AM

well, that was blissful

okay, so i'm SO freakin' glad i went to the massage. there aren't words for how wonderful it was. and, you know, i need it. i need the touch. and the massage therapist, m, lets just say she's as wonderful as dr. c and therapist k. that's saying a lot.

i'd interacted with m a couple of times, the first one being in a negative way.. well, not her and i, but the guy she sublets a room from. a number of weeks later she and i were walking into the building (she's in the same building as k) at the same time and she stopped me and wanted to make sure that there were no hard feelings, that she saw the argument my way, was i okay? i just replied, "oh, he's a dick. thats all." i'd been thinking about making an appt since i met her that first day i met her when i was arguing with the dickhead.

so, yesterday i went in, she came out and said "you are coming to see me!" that's nice to hear. and today she blew me away.. she said that she was so glad that *I* came to see her, and that she was embarrassed to tell me that. i told her nonsense, so she changed it to shy. so, are you getting the picture?

not only does she give an excellent massage, but we connect personally / emotionally as massager / massagee. i filled out her form, and then she asked why i put down disabled for work. so, she said, this will be for touch too. which, to be honest, was the other reason i wanted the massage. my shoulder is hurting me, a good massage is always wonderful to have, and the touch is so important. so, she said she'd work with that.

as i was leaving we discovered we both have degrees in education. and finally, we agreed that we worked well together. its important. its important to be able to work well with someone you are going to be working that intimately. your doctor, your therapist, your massage therapist. its important that the dr / therapist / massage therapist wants to work with you too, not just you wanting to work with them.

so, i wish i could see her every week. i'm going to talk to therapist k and dr c about seeing k every other week and seeing m every other week. head talk, touch talk. along with cordes's drugs. i mentioned that to her, and she said "this is what i do for work." and she implied it made sense. plus, after we talked about that, i asked if she hugged, she does, and she gives great hugs. another important thing in a caregiver that has become a facet for me. good hugs.

my fear is that i'll get better and have to go back to work. but since i still fear work, i don't think that is a possibility. this is a slow process. and just the thought about having to work makes me cry in fear.

so, its good. and i simply cannot wait to see m the massage therapist again. just like i can't ever wait to see therapist k, dr c. m makes me feel as safe as the other two.

i'm incredibly lucky. i am ment to be in eugene. when it comes to my depression i am ment to be in eugene. i've known this siince i started to see k 3 years ago, and then when c entered my life i was even more convinced, and now m i can't get more convinced. i'm in eugene to survive my disease.

Posted by brooke at 12.02.57 AM

August 20, 2002
okay, so i sholdn't

okay, so i really shouldn't go get this massage today, because when it comes down to it i don't have the cash, because no one has promised to pay me for my disability. and yesterday i spent 20.00 at circuit city, and i bought a 8.00 cd over th weekend. and i just got a bill from my drs office that i wasn't expecting... but they certainily didn't count that when i did pay the copay when i showed up that ipaid $5.25 USD more that i'm supposed too (its 14.25, i just bring in a 20). but i deserve this massage, and i'll probably talk to my dr about putting off paying her till i get this long term insurance worked out. yeah, i'll talk to the actual *doctor*, not the bookkeeper. she should be fine with it. so, yeah, even though i really can't afford it, and i need the ez cd creator more than i need the massage, this will feel really good. right?

Posted by brooke at 05.04.38 PM

dammit

woke up at 8. 5-5.5 hours of sleep. thats okay. had good breakfast and surfing the web. then grumpiness started to kick in. cats want on me, i want to go back to sleep. fuck. 9.30-11.30 nap time. more grumpy. need direct cd. have to buy all of easy cd creator. 100.00. about the best thing of the day.... amazon, by september 3, gives you 2 rebates so the thing costs only 29.99. thats good. until i start to print out the rebates (i've not yet ordered it, i REALLY don't have the cash). 1 gets printed out. 2 one, printer freaks out.. all along smudge is edging closer and closer to the printer to play. he knows not too. lily steps on the keyboard. printer won't work. reboot. printer works, more stepping on the keyboard. max starts to chew on the cell phone charge cord. more stepping on the keyboard, no matter what i try, more chewing on the phone charge cord. get things printed. ava is now asleep in the printer (its a deskjet), smudge asleep behind the printer, max on the couch, lily in the window sill, and alix olson coming out of the speakers. and i am ready to go back to bed.

i guess meg's cd's aren't going to get made today. tommorrow maybe.

Posted by brooke at 02.25.16 PM

the daughterly advantage

so, i called my mom at work just a bit ago to brag about my massage appointment today. the secretary answered and i asked for dianne. "she's in a meeting with dr. niles right now, this is her daughter, right?" i almost laughed outloud and said "ooohhhh! well, when they get out will you tell her to call me and also say hi to uncle jerry for me?" hehehehehe dr. niles. dr. niles is the acting dean of the college of human resources and education. dr. niles is the closest thing i have to an uncle on my ma's side. jerry and ruth anne (his wife) are my mother's best friends. i grew up with their kids. often times it still baffles me that their daughter jennifer, who is 2 years older than me, has 2 kids. anyhow, sometimes i just love nepotism. (thats the right word, yes?)

oh, and i've figured out the reason for my good mood. my purple fleece hat that ma gave me for christmas. its been cold enough here in the morning (i run a fan constantly) to wear it the last 2 days. i've even worn it in public. its almost like i get to hide, when i go out. but yes, its the hat. which i tried to find a picture of, cause i've got one, but can't seem to locate it at this moment.

Posted by brooke at 08.56.35 AM

i had a good monday 19, 2002.

monday was actually a pretty good to really good good day. it started with a couple of really nice comments to my post from yesterday. one really encouraging (and i might just do it!), and one just plain nice. have y'all met cinnamon? i swear, she is probably the one of the kindest people in the weblogging world. plus she posts some really cool facts (i'm a random fact lover).

it started with a quick call to insurance to find out if they'd done anything about approving my dental care that needs pre-approval. they said they had no record, so they said for my dentist to call and get a name of one of their people and use her as their contact to track me through the system / process. i called my dentist, and they called in the afternoon. they said they'd sent the x-rays to the wrong zipcode! but hopefully what they were able to fax them will allow them to make the determination by the end of the week. which i hope so, because my cracked tooth is starting to bother me. and there's a matter of getting this all done by oct 1 so i don't have to pay the deductible and 1/2 of the crown. agh. can't afford that. so, i'm happy i did that or else who knows what would have happened.

a quick trip out to see gl and chat a bit about some gross stuff that happened on saturday. slowly getting it cleared up. one more person to clear things up with and all will be good again.

i picked up some CDRs. i'm having a problem with direct cd, but i can make some music cd's, which i'm going to do for my sister-in-partner. i've decided i'm also going to send along to my brother "far appalachia," a book about following the new river north. zack and i grew up on the new river. he's not a big reader, but hopefully he'll read this. shhh, its a surprise.

i paid my COBRA insurance bill. well, i sent it to the esd as i was told to do. it'll be there on time, which it has to be. and it feels good to have to not to rush around dealing with it.

i talked to dad briefly. he was on his way home. told him of some possible plans. hope they come through. *most* of the time its nice to talk to my family, and this was one of those.

i also went and got my electric bill taken care of. i'm taking advantage of all the services offered too me. so far, oregon trail (food stamps) and electric sharing.. they'll pay up to $300.00 USD a year for my electricity. if i work really hard i can do that. my average bill is around 25.00.. well, that was after the rate hikes. so. and if i go over 300.00 there's another place i can go that gives priority to seniors and disabled. so, this is good.

and *then* i decided to treat myself. i signed up for a massage! for tommorrow. long story, but i don't like the guy who runs the place, but she only sublets a room from him. so far, from what i gather from my few interactions with her, she is as kind hearted and gentle as my dear dr c and my dear therapist k, . so, i'm looking forward to that. in fact, when i was making the appointment she came out and said "you are coming to see me!" yeah. and she touched me, she kindly put her hand on my arm. amazing what touch can do for a hurting soul. so, i'm really looking forward to it.

finally, my evening was topped off with a group dinner. i took a new friend l to this group and i had a nice time. got to sit across from t, whom i adore, and i reconnected with r, which feels really good.

oh, and lastly. i sent a surprise to someone. i love doing that :) and imagine, i did all this on 4.5 hours sleep, with a 15 minute nap.

i'm hoping to get zack and my sister-in-partner's package off, and once i get the direct cd stuff worked out, a package to my dear perry and marsha. both of which will make me feel really good.

i think my dr and therapist are going to faint when i see them wednesday and thursday :)

my only concern is tommorrow night. i'm going to an s/m "open house".. which i'm not sure what it means.. but "play party" seems to be a good definition. i'm going with my new friend l, and there will be people there i know. i don't have to play, i can just watch, which i intend to do. or i might ask someone to teach me how i can prevent what happened saturday night. we'll see.

oh yeah, and the other concern.. the fire in walton, which they are now calling the "siulslaw fire".. 25 miles west of eugene. local folks wake up to smoke.. thinking their neighborhood was on fire.. including my neighborhood blogger ken who smelled it the same time last night i smelled it. the fire has grown to 530 acres and the weather isn't helping. *cross fingers* that everything turns out okay. i guess you could say this one is too close for comfort.

but did i menion that the next 2 days are going to be in the 70's? 75F tommorrow and 72F the next day. after last weeks 104F this is a welcome break.. now if i can just find some clean non-tank tops. and my covered birkies. yeah! now, this is the kind of wheather *i* like!

night all. well, not quite. i'm off to read. but night to all of y'all.

and ps. sending good-thoughts to a good friend who's father is having surgery tommorrow. if you don't contact me how it went, i'll be contacting you :)

Posted by brooke at 12.21.56 AM

August 19, 2002
fires too close to home

ps
this report about a fire in walton.. all of 25 miles from here. at the time it was written it ws 400 acres.

and it seems that while i was watching the news tonight and surfing the web, i heard about a fire in veneta, which i can't find anything on, which is all of 10 miles from here. and my friend l lives in elmira, which is right next to veneta. right now, at 2am, i can smell burning something, re: like a big ol' campfire. *shudder*

the little field fires didn't scare me. but 400 acres. shit. *cross my fingers that we can survive this season without any scariness to my neighborhood.* i don't have carriers for all the cats (yes, i need to take care of that, and i've already done some looking into it).

Posted by brooke at 01.59.47 AM

hidden disabilities

so, i picked up the book "restricted access: lesbians on disability".. and its a great book because not only does it talk about the visible disabilities, but also the hidden ones. so, for some strange reason i thought i could go out on amazon and find similiar books. maybe not with the lesbian focus, but with the focus on both types of disabilities.

nada. at least from what i saw. its all about physical disabilties. makes me angry.

see, the other day i went to go apply for a service that would cover my electric bill. i walked in, being me, with my backpack that has my folder of all the forms i've filled out (most of them), with the one on top that my dr filled out that says "cannot return to work." see, they give priority to seniors and disabled. i'm now in the disabled class. so, i was ready. it ended up i didn't need it, but, well.. i dunno.. what i'm getting at.

maybe i'm getting at my dad, who every conversation has to slip in something about me getting better.

i am disabled, dad. i may get better, i may not.

i'm frustrated. i move about society and i'm frustrated that not more people are speaking out about the hidden disabilities. like mine. like mine that causes me too:

• have cognitive problems. i loose words, i forget things easily, i can't comprehend simple things, sometimes i try to explain, i really am a smart person, with a master's degree and everything, but its my illness, my disability, that is getting in my way of getting this all out, thats not allowing me to comprehend. sometimes they believe me, sometimes not.

• i can't concentrate. i'm easily distracted by things around me. maybe that falls under cognitive problems.

• i'm overwhelmed really easily. i can't go to large groups. these days i've not been able to go to mother kali's events because of the numbers of people there, it just... i've been trying to explain it to my dr when she asks "overwhelmed?" .. too much going on, too many people, afraid of intereacting with people, afraid that something with trigger a slide down to the very depths, too much stimulation. i can do one on one, or one on a few, but not large gatherings. i can't go to fellowship at the unitarian universalist churtch (my religion) because its too many people, and what if all of a sudden something hits me and i have to leave?

• stress. i can't handle stress. too much stress sends me on that downward spiral, and too much stress comes in many forms.. a letter from insurance saying they need more information, waiting for insurance to approve my dental work, hurting someone i didn't mean to hurt. not being able to stop an activity when i get overwhelmed. dealing with the cats, 4, on a daily basis. the thought of going back to work, the thought of going someplace and having to be there for a specified amount of time.

• not feeling safe. this is a new one. but i don't feel safe in most places. no, i don't mean physically safe, i mean emotionally safe. i'm on my own. i live alone. i'm doing this pretty much on my own, with the help of 2 drs, and, well.. i've discovered that i feel safest when i'm at their offices. if something goes wrong all of a sudden, they are there. if i'm someplace else, they aren't there. they aren't there to help me feel safe again. i don't know how to fully explain this one. its new.. give me time.

• the need to isolate. to make sure that i don't inflict my depression on other people. that when i do get together with others that they don't see it. that it doesn't become a prime focus. and i isolate to feel safe as possible. no, not as safe as when i'm at dear dr c's office, or my dear therapists office, but safe in that no one can hurt me easily here.

• being very sensitive. i don't know when someone is going to say something or do something that will send me spiriling down.

• guilt. i feel guilt over everything. i read that people are sick and tired of reading about people's sad dramas in weblogs. i feel guilty, because for sometime now, this has been on sad drama. and am i feeling sorry for myself? i feel guilty that i just can't pick myself up by the straps of my birkenstocks and get on with life. i feel guilty when on tv they talk about the same thing.... the bitchiness that so many people do about how their lives suck. mine does, and is it any different than anyone elses? i feel guilty because from that outside perspective it doesn't. *but* i do have the reassurance of dr c, and k. but still, i feel guilty terribly easily.

• crappy self-esteem. i have no self-esteem. i could make a huge list of the things i hate about myself. but i pretty much do. i hate myself more than anyone can imagine, well, maybe not. i'm sure there are others out there with self-esteem that reads on the negative scale, but mine is pretty bad. i mean, i'm finally to the point where i can say i'm proud of myself for starting to take good care of my teeth. i'm proud of myself that i'm attempting to eat better. i'm proud of myself that i'm able to handle all this disability paperwork, and that i'm working on another plan in case they turn me down (though i'm not sure if it'll work) and i mean all three statements, really, for once i'm able to make positive statements about me, and believe them... but those three things are about it. the list of why i hate myself, like i said is too long. and gosh, don't feel sorry for me or anything, its just a fact of my life. its been a fact for as long as i can remember.

  and lastly, i think.

• fatigue. i don't do much all day, yet i'm tired all the time. i can't remember a time in my life when i've not been tired. if its not because i'm tired because its morning and i'm just waking up, its because i'm tired that i've been doing things, and finally the fatigue of night time when the day is over. it would be nice not to feel tired. everytime i'm spending time with my dad, at one point or another, he'll say "you are tired all the time." its a classic symptom of my disease.
  

so, here i am on disability. i can hide it at times. i can be "abled bodied".. i can pull it off. in fact in coversations with new people and it comes up and i say "yeah, i suffer from treatment resistant severe depression." they nearly collapse, because here i am, acting perfectly normal. even laughing. but they don't know what it's like behind the scenes.

and i wish there were a book, besides the one i've got, that talks about depression as a hidden disability (not many people get labled disabled because of depression).

i am going to write something about the do's and don'ts of dealing with me and my disability. i was inspired by carolyn gage, who wrote a do's and don'ts about dealing with chronic fatigue immune difiency syndrome. maybe this is a start. but it needs to be addresed outwards. its on my list of things to do, and i think about it a lot.

because, you see, its easy for people to make adjustments for those with visible disabilities, but hidden ones.. they either deny it or simply don't know. and it would be beneficial to all of us to know more about it. my topic will be severe disabiling depression, cause thats what i know. and hopefully i'll be able to educate.

okay, enough rambling. night all.

Posted by brooke at 01.34.31 AM