August 10, 2002
better day

so far, today is a better day than i've had in awhile. after therapy yesterday i went over to gl's and spent the afternoon with her. then 2 of her other friends came over and we played board games, and preceeded to have a wonderfully laughing time.

i left around 9.45 (earlier than everyone else) got home and instantly took my drugs.. i'd only had 2.5 hours of sleep the night before.. got to sleep around 11.20 or so (fell asleep).. woke up at 1, but managed to get back to sleep, then woke up bright and shiny at 2.30am with my mind racing about this and that. cause for concern, but i took another xanax, called my therapist's answering machine and told her what was happening and that i was scared and asked her whether i should call my dr. today. and then preceeded to fall asleep around 3.15 and sleep for another 8 uninterrupted hours. i'm exhausted now, and feel like i could sleep all day, so while i'm concerned, i'm not feeling totally bad.

there is a xanax prescription waiting for me at the pharmacy, so i'll go pick that up in just a bit while i do my grocery shopping. and then swimming with gl at 3.30. and maybe l will call sometime this weekend (did you get my message that i called?) and maybe we'll finally get together for a walk.

i think i'm hypomanic. thats why i called the therapist. i don't like being hypomanic. because i fear it'll turn into full blown mania. but i'm writing all this down.. sleeping, eating and such so i'll have full notes when i see my dr on wednesday. cause i'm constantly forgetting whats going on with me and the drugs when i go see her. its part of the depression, cognitive skills, esp. memory, go down the hill-- at least for me.

but, i'm looking forward to going swimming with gl. hopefully the water slides will be on!!! and on that note, i'm off to get ready to go to the store.

oh and did i mention? i'm reading a really good book "Restricted Access: Lesbians on Disablity" a must read for everyone, gay and straight. and its not just about lesbians with mobility disablitlies.

Posted by brooke at 12.59.15 PM

dammit!

(Seattle) Storm Move Within One Victory of Playoffs

fuck.

see the conference standings? esp. the WESTERN? portland has lost their last 3. :(

Posted by brooke at 12.31.17 PM

August 09, 2002
friday morning

so, i've not slept, much. i hate nights. i hate nights with a passion. i'm not sleeping these days at all, without the help of xanax. and right now i don't have much and i forgot to call the pharmacy to see if my drs office called in the prescription. see, the only thing i can take to help me sleep these days is xanax, which sucks, because its highly addictive, and it has rebound affects. apparently the parnate is supposed to make me really tired, but it just makes my muscles weak. and last night as i was pondering my xanax situation, knowing that i don't want to go through withdrawl again.. well, that didn't help me sleep.

plus i've got lots of other things going on in my head. like why the fuck that woman i did the consult with back in july isn't returning my drs calls. if she doesn't return her call by next wednesday (the next time i see my dr) i'm going to tell my dr i'm going to go pay her a visit and demand a refund, because she did not fufill the service that we agreed upon. either that or i'll find out why the fuck she's not returning my drs calls, and demand that she call while i'm there. don't fuck with a hot headed depressed person. no, not a good idea.

what else? i think thats it on the depression front. other than i'm totally overwhelmed by life in general. this is bothersome, as i'm not getting out like i should. i totally skipped gl and i's swim date yesterday. actually, i was waiting for her to call me, and i think she was waiting for me to call her. she finally called me, but i didn't pick up. too overwhelmed by the fucking phone. have i mentioned how much i hate this fucking disease?

what else? oh, on a totally different front. i've been keeping a very vigilant eye on the wnba standings. its a fight to the very end to see who gets the 4th spot in the playoffs in the western conference. portland (ore), and seattle. right now portland's got the upper edge, but by only one game, and dammit, they lost their last 2 games. if they hadn't, maybe they'd have secured a spot in the playoffs. i look morning and night to see whats going on.

Posted by brooke at 07.10.32 AM

August 08, 2002
salon article

The "shame" of rape: Why does the media hide rape victims who fight back instead of honoring them as heroes?

note to self: call pharmacy about xanax script.. if not, harrass dr. c about script. take stuff to oml *before* therapy.

Posted by brooke at 11.03.31 PM

july 8

well, its a crappy day in brooke land. last night just sucked, and today, well, it sucks too.

i really want to go off this drug. apparently its noticeably helping, but not to the point where things are okay. i mean, its taken the edge off so i'm no longer delusional and i'm no longer suffering from the worst depression i've ever had. yesterday a vote was taken-- my dr, my therapist, and i, about going off the drug. i lost 2-1. normally at this point i would just say fuck it and go ahead and go off the drug, esp this one, but i'm going to go ahead and stick it out. my dr should feel really honored that i'm going with her wishes. i'm going to have to make note to tell her. because, i really hate this drug. i'm not allowed a cheese or chocolate, a bunch of other foods. any painkiller but aspirin, and only xanax to help me sleep. to, this-- of all drugs-- is the one i'd go ahead and take myself off of, but i'm not. but i did tell my dr that i curse her every time i go to the store, and that monday night when i had the worst cramps in the world and all i could take was asprin, she was being cursed big time. she mentioned somehing about karma, but i assured her that my mother thinks she walks on water. so yeah, i hate this drug.

but, apparently there are some new drugs out. so i'm not at the end of the line. i made her promise me that yesterday, because if i'd left with this being the end of the line, ooohhh i'd be in all sorts of shits.

the dentist appt went fine. we're doing one quadrant at a time. so, the lower left quadrant, the one with the cracked tooth, was done. i could go in next week for the next one, but there's this thing about insurance approving the treatment plan and making sure they'll pay their due, so i'll have to wait a couple of weeks to hear from them, even though i'd like to just go ahead and get everything done right now. i'm really enjoying having some of my teeth really clean again. plus the hygenist knows about my depression / disability stuff and is really nice. apparently she'll be doing all the work. well, once insurance gets worked out, i'll make sure she's going to finish the job.

my dr. says i'm sure to get approved for the long term disability insurance. so, if thats the case then i'll be able to afford to go ahead and pay off all this dental stuff and some other bills in september, whch would be nice as i don't want them hanging over my head any more. i just want to have to worry about paying the co-pays.

also at some point it looks like i'll be selling my car.. not in the next month or so, but at some point. my payments are high, and right now my dad has taken them over. i'm trying not to rely on them at all, but this was a situation that couldn't be avoided... and as it is, right now the car can't be sold becausee of all the mileage i put on it driving to albany every day. i'm really surprised at how few miles i'm putting on it just driving around town. so, the plan is to get the mileage down and the payments such so that i don't loose anything in the deal. then i'll buy a used car and i assume the folks will continue to help with that, because really, i've got the budget thing figureed out and i'll have *just* enough to live on if the long term disability gets approved.

at least for 24 months. by then i should have ssa/ssi and i'll qualify for more aid from the state, re: help with paying for rent. i've decided that i might move way out into the country where i can rent a cottage, and even though the drive into eugene would be long, it would still be nice to live out in the middle of no where in a place where the cats will have more space. plus, where i'm thinking of moving too, they get at least one snow a year. but thats even further down the future right now i just need to concentrate on here.

okay, thats a long update. gl and i have a swim date planned around 5. i hope neither of us decides to back out.

Posted by brooke at 02.19.18 PM

i hurt

the worst part of depression? the pain.

Posted by brooke at 02.43.41 AM

August 06, 2002
nasty dentist appt

nasty dentist appt this morning. the cats did not let me sleep well last night. i am not in a good mood at all.

Posted by brooke at 06.47.13 AM

August 05, 2002
bitch and moan about cramps

oh, i am such a wus. i've got cramps like i've had before, but since i'm only allowed asprin i can't seem to get rid of them. *agh* and tommorrow i've got to lie in a dentists chair while they put my gums and teeth through hell. agh. i am such a wuss. i have this great lavendar eye pillow that i use for textual and smell comfort that my dear dad sent for my birthday, so i think i'll hang on to that really tightly.

i'm also such a wus because everytime i go grocery shopping i bitch and moan because everything that i want seems to either contain cheese or is covered with chocolate. i've already told my dr i curse her everytime i go to the grocery store (she knows i'm joking).

but on a positive note i did get my oregon trail card (food stamps) today. i didn't know i could just go into senior and disabled services and get it. quite handy. but then i went to donate plasma (they pay you) and you have to be 4'10" (i'm 4'8.5") to do so, cause of the beds. i called my father to tell him about it, that i was going to send the money to him to help him pay my car payment, and then i said "you made me to short."

i'll tell you this. the past 3.5 years i've been spending spending spending lots and lots of money. and i've been neglectful with bills and stuff, and i had the money. and now i don't have money and i'm wanting to straighten up and pay my bills. i'm talking small bills above and beyond my monthly budget, and i'm not sure how i'm going to do it. i'll figure it out. i'm a little ticked that the dentist office is not being nice about me being doing this disability thing. they say "you have 90 days to pay, and after that we charge interest.".. and i was sitting there talking about a payment schedule. i might end up talking to the dentist herself about it and not her receptionist person. she might be more compassionate. if i had to deal with dr. c's bookkeeper she wouldn't be willing to work with me, but dr. c says "don't worry, we'll work something out."

in the end, i do have money, but i'm not sure what'll happen about my long term disabiltiy application, and i'd really like to save that money. and i know that if i need it i can ask my mother to help, but i've already asked dad, and well.. i really want to do this on my own as much as possible. afterall my mother has already offered to do something really huge for me financially, so i feel guilty asking for any help above and beyond that. and again, i really want to do this on my own as much as possible.

so, now i'm going to bed. last night i got 3 hours of sleep, and then i accidentally took a 3 hour nap this afternoon, but thats not a lot of sleep, so hopefully i'll sleep through the night and then make it to my dentist appt at 9. (i've been assured i'll be able to talk by 2.30-- my therapist appt).

Posted by brooke at 11.02.09 PM

wtf? war with iraq?

wtf? i've started watching tv again, following the news and i keep hearing about how we are going to go to war with iraq. each day it becomes more and more definte... but so far i've not heard any good reason to do so.. except to get rid of sadaam hussein.

jeezus shit. i hear that colin powell is spending time with pakistan and india trying to talk them into solving their problems through diplomatic efforts. now, why the fuck don't we try to solve whatever problem we hav with iraq the same way?

our allies are supporting us, at least the governments are. but i hear the people are pissed. like me. i don't get this need for violence. i really don't get it. and if iraq has weapons of mass destruction, then we're screwed.. at least the people are, certainly not the government. dick cheney? where the fuck is he?

see, the governments decide to go to war... the fucking patriarchial governments, but its not those in power who suffer, its the people. do you really think sadaam hussein is suffering personally because of sanctions against them? FUCK NO. and castro, his he suffering personally? i doubt it.

so, this is the thing that these damn goverments don't get.. its not the government that is going to suffer, its the people. fuck, afghanistan is a perfect, current, example.

i watched the movie "gandhi" a number of weeks ago. did the world not learn anything from him? dammit, if a small, soft spoken, intelligent man can win independence for a country from the "english empire" without violence, then certainly we can accomplish the things this world wants to accomplish in the same way.

i'm nervous. i've been nervous since bush took office. he wanted his own war just like his daddy. and he's getting it, for no reason.. again.

maybe i'm too idealistic. but so was gandhi. and so was martin luther king jr. he called for no violence. from what i know, the only violence during his leadership of the black civil rights movement was that that was perputrated by the white people, the white cops.

hasn't this country learned anything? my mother just got back from london. she spent 2 weeks there, the mornings spent on her own, the afternoons spent with my stepfather. she said that her time alone she just walked. she walked all over the city of london, one of the largest cities in the world. her most significant comment was how safe she felt. not like walking around an american city. that's pretty strong statement from a soft spoken woman.

i've only been to canada, and that was a long time ago. so i don't know what its like, but i believe my mother. my diminutive in size mother in a foreign country, the largest city, feeling safer than when she visits cities in her own country.

i don't get it. i don't get it. the violence. the violence that this particular regime that america is living under. maybe bush needs to watch gandhi, needs to learn all about him. maybe bush needs to talk to my mother and try to figure out the why's of non-violence, of safety, of not killing the innocents.

Posted by brooke at 07.39.31 AM

August 04, 2002
no nap / genetic testing

so, i fell asleep at 5.30am this morning, got up at 1.30pm, by 3 i was ready to go back to sleep... but i figure that if i don't give into going back to sleep then maybe i'll actually go to bed at a decent hour (12am-1am), get up at a decent hour (by 10am) and have a day that i need to have. i've got errands to run. but mainly get back on a regular sleep schedule. i didn't think the parnate was making me tired, maybe it is, maybe thats why i'm wanting to sleep during the day? but at night? i'm not sleeping at night, when i take 10mg more and xanax? anyhow, we'll see how this experiment goes.. and i'm going over to c's house to hang out, gl will be there.. play board games, etc.. so, i'm definetly not going to sleep anytime soon (re: w/in the next couple of hours).

on another topic. the news reported on having babies and going through a process of weeding out embryo's with genetic diseases (based on dna). disability rights activitis are against this. me.. and yeah, they could find a gay gene and all those damn homophobes would get rid of queer embryo's.. but this disease of mine has become a disability. i suffer a lot because of this damn disease. i've lost opportunities because of it. and i'll say this, if there is a depression gene, and i was going to have a baby and had the cash to go through the process, you can bet that i'd weed out those with the depression disease. i know my mom hurts because i have to deal with this, and if i can avoid a child of mine this, then its worth it. normally i'd be on the side of the disability activists, but.. well. this time i feel differently, just because of all i've been through all my life (yes, my dr believes that my depression started in childhood).. and my bad life hasn't been caused by my family. sure, we've got our usual discussions.. there are parts of all of us that we don't understand that drive us all nuts that we work hard to get through.. but i wasn't abused or anything. yet i still suffered. and i suffer now. so, yes. my rambling. if i could avoid a child of mine to have to go through what i go through, i would, in a heart beat.

Posted by brooke at 06.48.49 PM

today

so, i used to be known for my honesty about how i felt about political issues. these days political issues are pretty far from my mind. so i'm being honest about the things i'm going through in this new life of mine.

but, i have to admit, i am concerned about a world war. i saw a headline that powell rejected iraq's deal.. though i'm not sure what he rejected, but i doubt its good. while my own life is changing and falling apart around me, i think the world is falling apart too.

i read i disturbing article about about ethnic internment. it was based on the views of two japanese women who were around in ww II, on interned, one not. i also read a disturbing article about the road to yucca mountain.

one road to yucca mountain passes .1 mile from my home. thats scary. i'll be dead if there's an accident anywhere in eugene.

and finally i'm also learning more about palestine and israel.

i haven't done anything today really. except watch tv and sleep. i can't believe i fell asleep during an la sparks / sacramento monarchs game. i don't like the la sparks, i don't like lisa leslie. she gets too much publicity. i don't give a flying fig how good she is.

oregon is on fire right now. the other day as i was driving out to a friend's house i realized that it was a perfectly clear day, and i should be able to see the sisters, but i couldn't because they were covered by the smoke from the black butte fire, which has closed several miles of 20. things down south are even more scary. they showed pictures of downtown klamath falls and the ash from the fire on cars. oregon now has the biggest fire that is being fought. and its only july. this shouldn't be happening this soon. it scares me. there was even a small fire over in the coburg hills (thats just a few miles north of eugene, in the valley). they've been saying the valley is moist enough to withstand fires for a little while longer, but i don't believe it. luckily things are going to cool down next week, so hopefully they'll be able to get a handle on the fires better.

what else? i'm finding that my sleep schedule is kinda weird. i seem to be sleeping during the day and than am up till about 4-6, get up around noon, take a nap around 3 until 8-10, and then am up till early in the morning. this is all due to the fact that sleep is the best escape and i'm doing it as much as possible. thats why i'm taking so much xanax, to put me to sleep so i don't panic, so i don't feel the pain. yes, i'm running from it all. not good, the therapist says, but its what i'm doing to deal.

smudge and max are keeping an eye on me. smudgie seems to want to attack me with love about an hour after i've gotten to sleep early in the morning. and ava, she wants love, but its at the wrong time. right now she wants to sit on my chest so i can't see the screen.

what else? the nights have been cold. and i like that. well, 40-50F. its nice to curl up under my blankets.

my anxiety hasn't been as bad today. tommorrow will be sunday and then monday comes and i'll go down and talk to my case worker about getting access to my food stamp money. i really don't have the cash to pay for food this month. and all of a sudden i'm being hit with some big bills, unexpected bills. not a good time, but being that i've got more mental health visits than i thought i had with insurance, i won't have to pay k out of pocket and i'll be able to save some cash and hopefully pay them off. and no, i won't go hungry. i do have cash, just cash that's ment for next month. and i'm sure my case worker will get the food stamp thing worked out quickly, after i took in my qualification for food stamps, i got a letter really fast saying i'd qualified.. and luckly until then i've got food in my cabinets, and i'm not eating a lot, so that is a help.

and? oh, i placed a personal add in the eugene weekly for next week. it'd be nice to have someone, though i know i'm not emotionally ready. it was a whim. we'll see what comes of it. i doubt anything. i've placed ads before and nothing.

i did eat today. i forced myself to eat. i've got enough food to last till monday, when i go talk to my case worker. enoough food and cat litter and food. and there is money for next month, so i won't go hungry. but i'd really like to be able to pay my co-payment to dr c., and i'd like to get some cd-rs as i've got some picturs to store. oh, and i found a cd that i thought i'd lost, the first set of pictures from my trip home.

so, today is better, and hopefully tommorrow will be a bit better. maybe a walk along the river with a new friend? that'd be nice. gl is at teri's lammas party-- its an overnight camping thing..... TOO MUCH for me. but i need to touch bases with her, give her her shoe laces she lamented about needing to replace the other day in her journal, and i need to give her back her alix olson cd, i thought mine was lost, it was just at work.

i might even go to legal aid on monday and see about a legal issue i'm dealing with. and then tuesday is day one of icky tooth clearning, but then i see k. wednesday is dr c. friday is k. and hopefully the relief nursery will call this week.

oh yeah, and monday i pick up the rest of the xanax from my prescription (they didn't have enough when i went to pick it up on wednesday).. dr c and i will talk about upping my prescription and just saying on it "take as needed".. instead of "take .5-1mg 3 times daily as needed." maybe that way insurance won't give me shit and will fill the prescrptions as i need them.

oh and finally, amy-- welcome to oregon.

Posted by brooke at 12.37.54 AM