June 28, 2002
friday 5

i don't normally do this, but i liked these..

friday 5:

1. ...sent a handwritten letter?
about a week ago, i wrote my grandmother a nice long letter in response to her letter to me.

2. ...baked something from scratch or made something by hand?
i made my friend m and her grandson dinner a few months back, does that count?

3. ...camped in a tent?
last year at the rural organizing project board retreat down in ashland.. that was too long ago. my lovely north face 2 person tent with 2 doors on it, and wonderful mesh on the ceiling so you can see the stars if you don't have the fly on it.. *sigh* i need to go camping soon. maybe all by myself on the beach!

4. ...volunteered your time to church, school, or community?
umm.. i helped the wimmin at mother kali's load up tova's van for pride last friday.......... does that count? and i have an interview next tuesday with the volunteer coordinator at the relief nursery, so hopefully i'll be volunteering there 10 hours a week or so starting soon..

5. ...helped a stranger?
hmm.. i held the door open at dari mart for a woman and her dog today? oh, last week i bought 2 kids bouncy balls... they were bothering their mother for quarters, she didn't appear to have any, so i quietly got the two little guys a bouncy ball each. made them happy, probably drove their mother nuts.

Posted by brooke at 01.23.23 PM

mother nature quote

i was just reading a salon premium article about fire in forests and how we just need to let fires burn naturally. its something i agree with. fires are an important part of mother nature's doing her thing.

the article was specifically talking about the arizona fires..

a snippet from it::

And as more humans come, more fires will come, a consequence of the awful Promethean power we wield. Those fires are inevitable. For even if many find it surprising, this law of nature obtains: Should you build your home in a forest, it will someday burn.

Fire is to forest as hurricane is to beach, as tornado is to prairie, as drought is to desert. This is a reality of the natural world. But modern Americans, it seems, do not like to hear the word "no," do not like to contemplate worst-case scenarios at the expense of cherished dreams, do not like to admit the possibility that nature cannot be controlled. It is much easier to blame what is an inescapable consequence of progress on supposed enemies of progress than it is to do the hard work of being attentive, of taking preventive measures, of building out of harm's way rather than wherever the weather is nice and the prospect pleasing. It is much easier to throw blame than it is to develop forest-management policies that take the ways of the forest into account -- and to admit the possibility, on the other side, that forests can be logged sustainably without throwing off the fabled balance of nature

good article.

and now i leave you wtih a favorite quote of mine, that seems appropriate here:

"Do not argue with Mother Nature for you are small, insignificant and biodegradable." (source forgotten, except that i got it from the newsgroup rec.boats.paddle)

Posted by brooke at 06.31.53 AM

June 27, 2002
faith gets it

she gets it.. faith gets the stonewall now. it is so nice to hear that. someone who didn't get it before, gets it now.

what? why the stonewall inn is so important to the queer community. why i have in my email signature this quote:

"I was fighting for my life." - Sylvia Rivera about why she fought at Stonewall.

fyi.. the stonewall riots were 3 days of rioting by drag queens, bulldykes, fags, lesbians, street folks, etc.. who finally told the police that they were sick of it. they were sick and tired of being treated like trash. they started june 27, 1969.. and the riot, it started at the stonewall inn, which is a bar on christopher street in greenwich village in new york city.

those 3 day riots are considered to be the beginning of the modern lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex movement. pride celebrations? you know why they are held? they are held to celebrate those riots. the first "celebrations" took place a year later but they weren't celebrations, they were political rallies. now they are celebrations.

so, now you know. now you know.. when you are watching coverage of your local pride celebration.. now you know that what you are watching is an event to commemorate the bravery of all those wonderful people many years ago who stood up and said NO MORE.

oh, and here's one more important link. a great interview that leslie feinberg did with sylvia rivera about the riots. here's an excerpt:

I left home at age 10 in 1961. I hustled on 42nd Street. The early 60s was not a good time for drag queens, effeminate boys or boys that wore makeup like we did.

Back then we were beat up by the police, by everybody. I didn’t really come out as a drag queen until the late 60s.

When drag queens were arrested, what degradation there was. I remember the first time I got arrested, I wasn’t even in full drag. I was walking down the street and the cops just snatched me.

We always felt that the police were the real enemy. We expected nothing better than to be treated like we were animals—and we were.

We were stuck in a bullpen like a bunch of freaks. We were disrespected. A lot of us were beaten up and raped.

When I ended up going to jail, to do 90 days, they tried to rape me. I very nicely bit the shit out of a man.

I’ve been through it all.

In 1969, the night of the Stonewall riot, was a very hot, muggy night. We were in the Stonewall [bar] and the lights came on. We all stopped dancing. The police came in.

They had gotten their payoff earlier in the week. But Inspector Pine came in—him and his morals squad—to spend more of the government’s money.

We were led out of the bar and they cattled us all up against the police vans. The cops pushed us up against the grates and the fences. People started throwing pennies, nickels, and quarters at the cops.

And then the bottles started. And then we finally had the morals squad barricaded in the Stonewall building, because they were actually afraid of us at that time. They didn’t know we were going to react that way.

We were not taking any more of this shit. We had done so much for other movements. It was time.

It was street gay people from the Village out front—homeless people who lived in the park in Sheridan Square outside the bar—and then drag queens behind them and everybody behind us. The Stonewall Inn telephone lines were cut and they were left in the dark.

One Village Voice reporter was in the bar at that time. And according to the archives of the Village Voice, he was handed a gun from Inspector Pine and told, "We got to fight our way out of there."

This was after one Molotov cocktail was thrown and we were ramming the door of the Stonewall bar with an uprooted parking meter. So they were ready to come out shooting that night.

Finally the Tactical Police Force showed up after 45 minutes. A lot of people forget that for 45 minutes we had them trapped in there.

All of us were working for so many movements at that time. Everyone was involved with the women’s movement, the peace movement, the civil-rights movement. We were all radicals. I believe that’s what brought it around.

You get tired of being just pushed around.

okay.. thats enough of my babbling. anyhow, thank you faith. thank you very much.

Posted by brooke at 11.07.05 PM

the laramie project

so, i just finished watching the laramie project.

it was a play that was developed from hundreds of interviews of people living in laramie over the 2 years after the death of matthew sheppard. hbo decided to make it into a film.

i remember writing once here that over the weekend i had watched matthew sheppard die.. re: i had watched the movie "the matthew sheppard story". tonight i watched matthew sheppard come back to life.

this is the best movie i have seen, in the 30 movies or so that i've seen over the last few weeks. and i've seen some good ones. i've seen some oscar award winners.

but this one. this one.. well, i've never cried over the death of matthew sheppard.. tonight i did. well, okay, thats a lie.. i *almost* did. tears came to my eyes.

the honesty with which this film was presented, the honor with which this film placed on those who gave their voices, even those who said he might have had it coming-- maybe esp. to those voices.. the respect and kindness... fuck, even fred phelps-- the guy who danced on matthew shappards grave--- was presented honestly, but not demeaningly. he was presented truthfully, and i believe he should be grateful.

if a movie can present someone like fred phelps with respect to his views then you can believe me in that this is an incredible movie. because fred phelps.. well.. he's not a respectful man.

if you only rent one movie in the next 12 months let it be this one. this is the very best movie i have seen in a long time (and remember, i've just seen gandhi).

Posted by brooke at 12.30.25 AM

June 26, 2002
action against the decisioni

aha.. the white house and congress are condeming the ruling against the pledge of ellegiance..

i just spent 10 minutes quickly calling my senators and my house rep, peter defazio to let them know that i, as a constiuent of theirs, support the ruling today and that i will not support them taking any action against it. i recommend everyone who feels the way i do (who lives in the states) doing the same.

Posted by brooke at 07.27.18 PM

hot

okay, so weather.com just reassured me that i'm not going bonkers. it is fucking hot here. no, fucking would be a bad word because who the hell would want to be fucking in weather like this?

it is currently (at 5.56pm pdt) 89 degrees F out.. w/ 40% humidity.

thank the goddesss for weather.com because i thought it was just me. its not, its hot here, its really fucking hot here. and i don't have air conditioning in my apartment. luckily i've got it in my car.

but, tommorrow it says it's gonna be 75 degrees. after today, no more complaints from me about 75-80 degree weather.

fuck, if its 90 degrees now, i wonder how hot it was at 2pm (supposedly the hottest part of the day)?

i'll say this, heat and severe depression do not go hand in hand.

and one more thing. you know, its this hot and i'm stupid enough to fire up the oven to bake a pizza. if i weren't so fucking hungry right now i wouldn't have to do this. but i am, so it has to be done. i cannot afford to go out and eat.

so, i'll do this, suffer the consequences (luckily the cats are dealing fine, just sleeping a lot). this better be a good fucking pizza.

and then i'll put in a movie. the second half of gandhi (which is, btw, excellent!), father's day (billy crystal, robin williams-- it looks stupid, but i'm supposed to be watching comedies and if i have to watch a stupid comedy it might as well star my favorite actor (robin williams)), or the laramie project. i spent the extra buck to rent a new release to watch this. i'm so excited it got made into a movie so then it could be released! depressing, but i can't imagine it not being excellent.

Posted by brooke at 06.04.01 PM

the pledge

yes, its hitting the airwaves.. the pledge is unconstitutional.. i won't believe that "under god" is unconstitutional until the supreme court rules on it. but of course the supreme court also ruled that the right to have an abortion is constitutional, but there are plenty of people working to overrule that decision.... re: the president of this not so great country.

anyhow. i applaud the decision, even though i now believe in a spiritual diety. she doesn't have a name, and i certainly see that pledging allegiance to a country under god certainly is utterly ridiculous, because the goddess that i believe in extends beyond country borders.. she extends across all borders, all races, all creeds, all... all human kind. to pledge allegiance to a country under her would, in my humble opinion, just disgrace all that she is.

but that is just my personal belief. and i also think it is ridiculous to pledge allegiance to a country... why not to humanity? fuck country borders.

Posted by brooke at 02.46.16 PM

June 25, 2002
movie reviews II

cooties asks some interersting questions.. .. i'll sleep on it, maybe i'll provide some answers tommorrow...

onto... movie reviews, brooke style, take 2.

anywhere but here.. susan sarandon, nicole portman (princess someone from the new star wars movies).. susan sarandon is a wonderful actress. really. and nicole portman.. well, my jury is still out on her. it was a cheesy mother-daughter movie... crazy mother, sane daughter.. the movie is all about the daughter growing up and getting out of there, away from her mom. i guess you could say it was a tear-jerker of sorts. i simply kept cringing at what stupid thing susan sarandon would do next. luckily the woman is an excellent actress and has a multitude of other movies (bull durham comes to mind) to fall back on. luckily she's got the mothering and sexy qualities too her that enables her to play a variety of parts. and nicole portman... 3rd movie i've seen her in so far, her lips..the way she talks.. you can't forget she's an actress. at least i can't. this movie was a bomb.

cats and dogs.. yes, the kids movie. the cats want to take over the world, the dogs want to save it from being taken over while protecting a serum to get rid of all dog allergies.

i have to admit, i was able to tell when something was a puppet, computer animated, or real. the featurette talks about how they tried to make sure that you couldn't tell.. but i'm an adult, and i'm becomming a cynical adult. so i could tell.

but, it was a good movie. more susan sarandon (as a dog), and sean hayes (jack from will and grace).. the human actors weren't all that great.. poor jeff goldblum, a decent actor, but can't seem to find his way into a good part recently. i guess its like cuba gooding, jr--- an oscar winner--- playing in that movie "snow dogs" or whatever its called.

it was a nice light hearted kids movie. i laughed only a few times, but thats okay, i'm not laughing at much these days. it takes something really funny to make me laugh.

i do recommend this movie.

gods and monsters about director james whale--- re: frankenstein and bride of frankenstein, show boat, and a couple of others. its a fictional account of his last days.

it is a good movie. the kind of movie i watch when i'm ready for non-mindless stuff. no, this is defintely a heavy movie. and it takes being awake to watch so you can follow the jumps from spot to spot as the mind of james whale fails..

ian mckellan (i think he's in harry potter?), brenden fraser, and lynn redgrave. all excellent actors.. all excellent actors in this movie.. yes, this movie highlights their acting ability.

if you want intense, rent this movie. rent it on dvd so you can watch the featurette thingy about james whale and the making of the movie.

yes, its good. not academy award good (imho), but good.l

on store for tommorrow: the search for signs of intellegent life in the universe and ghandi. no, i've not seen ghandi yet. lots of good movies newly released, including i am sam, a beautiful mind, the laramie project, etc.... can't wait till those get off the new relseases shelves and onto the cheaper shelves.

Posted by brooke at 11.42.23 PM

now *this* is ridiculous

can't you just see it? a man with a long trench coat walks up to you and says "DROP THAT BOOK! YOU ARE BREACHING NATIONAL SECURITY!"

well, imagine it. cause its happening. yeah, the fbi is now looking into what you READ. well, if you are a suspected terrorist that is. and for christs sake, who, with a brain and an independent mind in this day and age *isn't* a suspected terrorist?

oh wait. yeah. that waspy looking guy over there at the church. you know, the pentecostal church, yeah, that waspy looking guy. remember, he's not a terrorist (even though he's been sending anthrax threatening letters to clinics that perform abortions for years). no, he's no terrorist....

but the rest of you.. watch out.

hey YOU, yeah... YOU.. over there. and you, THERE! and you back behind me! have you paid attention to what you are reading these days? have you picked up any books that might talk about.......... say.. FLYING????? have you read anything that might have to do with AERO-PLANES? or ENGINEERING..

oh fuck. dad's a a gonner. dammit. he's an engineer, he surely knows ways of using smart materials to blow the world up. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. they got my dad. shit, and my uncle too. dammit, that republican, how dare he have learned to fly! didn't he realize that back in the 70's when he was going to the library to check out books? possible terrorist. shit. even my waspy family isn't in the clear.

shit shit shit shit shit.

anyhow, i simply cannot believe what that stupid fuck up in washington dc is doing.. ALL THOSE STUPID FUCKS up in washington dc are doing. i CANNOT BELIEVE THAT THIS IS HAPPENING.

fucking books. shit, what did anyone learn from a book anyways? i have a degree in education, and *i* know that the best way to learn is through EXPERIENCE. yes, the best way to learn how to blow up a building is through experience, not through books. DOESN'T THE FBI KNOW THIS??????

argh. i'm trying to be serious about this. but i simply cannot believe this is happening. library records. LIBRARY RECORDS.. isn't anyone else appaled at this? isn't anyone else pissed to no end at this?

you know, my ancestors DID NOT spend 8 weeks on an old wooden ship suffering from all sorts of grossness that goes along with that, and then go through all that building of houses and dealing with that stupid english government to set up a country where our freedom to exchange ideas would be questioned. my ancestors did not start a war against (at that time) the largest colonial power to set up a country where what we read would be searched through by the government.

yeah yeah yeah, i know the daughters of the american revolution is a snooty ass organization.. a bunch of wasps, and i hear most of them republican (and they probably hate queers and radical feminists).. but dammit, i qualify to be one of them, and those are my ancestors that died for freedom. so i get to say something.

in the name of thomas stevens and the drapers and my multitude of other relatives i say this is absolutely INSANE.

those stupid fucks up in washington. they say they are protecting our bill of rights, our constitution, our freedoms. well, this certainly doesn't feel like it.

no more worries about terrorist attacks because they hate our freedoms, don't you worry about that washington dc, that won't be the reason anymore, and don't dare try to feed it to the multitudes of americans who are buying into your bullshit... because people are gonna wisen up soon and they're re going to realize that our freedoms are being attacked by that which so says it is here to protect them--- our own government.

Posted by brooke at 08.11.22 PM

movie reviews take 1

roni suggested that i keep a separate movie reviews weblog. well, being that i'm rather lazy right now, and being that i think it's a great idea, i'm gonna do it here for now.

okay. so, i'm trying to remember what i've seen recently. i'm going through movies like i go through bottles of water. it's absolutley insane.

okay.

the atomic cafe: a documentary of sorts.. on the back it said that it was dark humor. and being that my doctor has prescribed comedies i thought.. hey, yeah, digi-it.

if i had wanted to watch a documentary about what it was like back in the 40's and 50's during the era of the bourgening bomb and the beginning of the cold war i would have enjoyed it throughly.. esp. if i were interested in a social documentary.

but i wasn't. i didn't know what to expect, actually. but this wasn't what was advertised. and so i found it disturbing. i did NOT want to watch it again.

but, i will recommend it to anyone who wants a social documentary (like i said) about the beginning of the cold war. its very very very good. it's got lots of old films, old commercials, etc.. it's got ward clever talking about "ducking and covering"....

next.

isn't she great: bette midler, nathan lane, stockard channing in a movie about the author of valley of the dolls. a comedy. and with a cast like that you'd think it'd rock. no-ville. NO NO NO NO NO. it was mildly entertaining, not funny at all. i have to admit to a slight crush on stockard channing, so that was the only reason to watch it. that and the few moments of bette midler's singing. this movie simply does not do justice to the talents of these three actors. i kept thinking... beaches, the bird cage, GREASE!... yes.. 3 movies that do these actors justice. thank the goddess.

and finally to wrap the weekend up

Steel Magnolias: yep, you remember... julia roberts, sally field, olympia dukakis, shirley mclean and dolly parton? shhh.. julia roberts dies. i don't think i'd ever seen this movie all the way through ever. glad i finally did, though julia roberts is much better in erin brockovich, but thats okay, the movies were filmed 11 years apart. and dolly parton.. at times it looked like she was acting...

but. i'll say this. this movie is not only a drama but also a comedy. the scene where sally field starts loosing it over julia's death.. she's fine, then she's not, then she's angry..... and olympia offers up shirley for sally to punch out. that scene takes you from utter sadness to laughing out loud in its few moments. or at least it did me. if you only watch this movie to get to this scene, it will be well worth the few bucks you spent to rent it.

oh, and if you have a dvd, get it on dvd. and watch the featurette about it. i didn't know it was a true story. the writer talks about the whole story. my favorite part was when he was talking to his mom about the casting of the movie.. he says "and how about sally field to play you?" i can just imagine her reaction.. and then talking about the death scene.. his mom wanted to be there during the filming of the death scene of julia roberts's character so she could "see her get up and walk away"..

here are some pics from where it was shot.

anyhow, if you've not seen it, go see it.

okay, and today.

the positively true adventures of the alleged texas cheerleader-murdering mom: holly hunter. what a babe. what a cheesy movie! but if you don't do what i did which was sit there and think ---- oh fuck i know women like her! oh fuck, i hope i'm not that bad! oh fuck, what a bitch!--- then its funny. its cheesy funny. and scarily a true story. and then afterward i'm looking at the cast bios and there's holly hunter's academy award for the piano listed and i start thinking "this woman is fucking brilliant!" yes, holly hunter is not only a babe, but she's fucking brilliant. to be able to pull off a role like the one in the piano, and then this one.. if you are in the mood for cheese, get it, rent it, don't think what i thought through it, and just enjoy it for the pure absurdity of it all :)

and lastly for the night

stepmom: again, julia roberts, this time along with susan sarandon. two strong actressess.. a semi-interesting plot. *i* enjoyed it immensly... but remember one of my very favorite movies of all times is "the parent trap".. this wasn't cheesy, it was a good, solid, family drama. the kid actors were great, along with ed harris who played the dad. i can't wait till jena malone (who played the daughter, was also seen in "ellen foster" and as a kid jodie foster in "contact") makes her adult acting debut. i've seen her in numerous films, most recently "my life as a house" (?) and she's excellent. i hope she keeps acting.

anyhow, this movie. as i said, a good, solid, family drama. if you are into that kind of stuff. i'll be rewatching this one, as i've got these out for 2 days. and this is julia roberts about 10 years after steel magnolias, and she is sooo much better. another one to recommend, if this type of film is your type.

on tap for tommorrow: cats and dogs, a foreign film: official story, and *finally* lily tomlin in "the search for signs of intelligent life in the universe".. which i've read (and did part of for my 11th grade speech and drama class).. but which i've never seen. can't wait!

Posted by brooke at 12.04.44 AM

June 24, 2002
time

so, 2 weeks ago today, at 3.45 i walked out of work and i haven't gone back. in fact i've started working on processes to make sure that i don't ever go back. i still haven't called work to let them know i'm not coming back after fmla is over. i've not had the guts to deal with it. i need too. hopefully i'll have the guts tommorrow before i see my therapist. call up and get the long term disability forms. agh.

for those of you who are brand new readers to this spot, i'm now disabled because of my life long battle with chronic depression. over the last years it has steadily gotten worse, and no-- i don't respond to any drugs, at least not yet. i've tried bunches and bunches of them and so far nothing. my official diagnosis is treatment refractory severe depression.. for those of you not in the know, refractory means unresponsive. its my drs talk. it sounds good, its what i put on the ssi forms.

anyhow, so far one thing i've discovered over the last two weeks is time. i wake up wondering what day it is. i wake up wondering if i've missed something. i wake up at 11am thinking whoah, i'm awake early!.. before the last 2 weeks i'd set my alarm if i had to get up before 5am, now i set it if i have to get up before 12 noon. amazing how fast things change.

luckily, before, when i was making a living, i bought a palm pilot. if its not in the palm pilot and its not been planned last minute, it won't happen. and luckily i'm tuned into technology enough that i can just mouse over the date on the task bar of my machine and it gives me the actual day, if i forget.

no, i don't live with anyone else, except for 4 cats. i've got no one to remind me what day it is. this is rather strange, because when i was working i knew what day it was, every day.. from the moment i woke up to the moment i fell back asleep i knew what day it was.. it was the countdown to the end of the week, the weekend.

i told my dr. last week that the past times i've come into her office, when i've left it has always been with bad news in hand, which isn't good. the most recent bad news is that i'll be starting one of the MAOI's next friday.

MAOI? Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitors.. the very first round of anti-depressants. yes, i've already been through the ssri's, and the tricyclics. now its the maoi's..

my diet will consist of well.. i'm not sure at this point. no cheese, no soy sauce (does that mean *all* soy productcs??).. luckily i can still eat peanut butter. even so i don't have a lot of hope. as i also told her last week, i used to get all excited at every new drug.. the prescription would be written out and i'd gaze at it.. with the new name of the drug on it, knowing that as soon as i got home i'd be on webmd.com looking it up. excited to see what the pill would actually look like. excited because of the hope that the new drug brought with it. but now, now i just exhaustedly say okay, take the precription, get it filled at some point, take it, knowing that probably won't work.

anyhow, time. the past two weeks i have quickly gotten into this schedule with time, if you aren't in the palm, forget it. and even if you are, will i have the energy to deal with you? maybe, maybe not.

right now its monday. and right before i went to write this things went postal on this machine and i had to restart everything. that used to bring fanatical thoughts of 'GOD DAMMIT, I NEED TO GET THIS DONE NOW." instead, today it was like.. "oh, i've got time.. circle is when? and i'm just headed to flicks 'n picks? no biggie, i can wait." its a rather odd thing for this formerly time obsessed person. but now i just let it go by. each day. well, each day holding its own.

Posted by brooke at 02.37.40 PM