June 22, 2002
eugene pride

yeah, so i went to the eugene, ore. pride celebration today. not sure why i went. i didn't really want to see anyone. but it was the queer in me that said "required event. must go."

and i must say that pride celebrations seem to be less and less important as the years go on.

i mean, the first 2 were way important. i'd just come out, and to think 300,000 queer people and our supporters all in one place (piedmont park, atlanta)! 100,000 would have made me excited. and walking in the dyke march and the pride parade.. oh, it was an experience that i, as the newly out good queer person, had to do.

but since then... i mean, yeah in 2000 i did go to san francisco. i had too.. how could i be so close to san francisco and have a dear friend there and NOT go? so i got on an airplane and flew 1.5 hours down to hang out with 20,000 (or more) dykes on saturday and something like 500,000-1million queers and our supporters on sunday. and you know what? i was glad to get out of there. i'll admit, the dyke march was aboslutely stupendous. walking and chanting with my shirt off amongst all those pretty dykes, yeah, i'll give you that much... but the main event.. too commercial.

anyhow, getting to this year. i went cause i'd called gl while waiting at my drs office yesterday. but this year, well.. seeing faces i'd not seen in a long time.. "how are you? what are you up too?" i just don't think "i feel like crap.. and up too? i quit work cause my depression got disabling." is really the greatest response. i could lie, but.. well.. i don't lie very well. so, i ended up avoiding the people who i hadn't seen in over 6 months, which, thankfully wasn't that hard.

but still. if its not going to be a political event, pride should be fun. i kept looking around and all these people were having so much fun. and, to be honest with you, the most fun part of the afternoon at the park was while i was reading "how i survived theriesenstadt."

so, as i was walking around i thought about it. why i wasn't as excited about the event as i used to be. and i guess for me right now, my individual queerness is important, but community queerness.. well.. i'm not really doing community these days. i'm really doing just me these days, with a few outings occasionally to see other people. but large gatherings.. too much fcr me.

so, yeah. pride when i'm in the state that i am don't mix very well. and pride, the event.. well.. i think it would be more fun if i had a new girlfriend to show off instead of a new disability.

Posted by brooke at 05.40.44 PM

June 21, 2002
blogathon participation

i am going to participate in the blogathon.. i will be blogging for mother kali's books, a feminist bookstore here in eugene... one of the few left open.

see, feminist bookstores are dying. i don't have the facts, but i'll get them by the time i blog, about how many feminist bookstores are left. they are dying every day. independent bookstores are dying every day.

we need our feminist bookstores. we need them because they promote women's culture, they promote understanding between the genders, they promote an understanding of humanity that can't be found in barnes and noble, borders, or amazon.com. its an understanding from a different point of view.

i have been introduced to so many different ways of looking at humanity because of my fortune to have lived and to live near a feminist bookstore. charis books and more, in atlanta, and now mother kali's, here in eugene. i have heard life explained through so many different points of view, and i have had my own values continually challenged, feminist bookstores have enabled me to grow to be a better person.

and i'll admit, feminist bookstores are also great places for dlykes.. izzie harbaugh was the long time manager of mother kali's books.. when she died it was commented that there must be an uncountable number of people who izzie was the first person they were out too in a public space.

my own experience was that. after i came out i went into charis books and bought a copy of denuve (now curve) and "the original coming out stories,".. i walked up to the counter and paid for them and i thought.. "holy fuck, she knows i'm a lesbian!" and you know what? she didn't even blink an eye.

when i moved to eugene it was mother kalis that i went to on my first full day in town. i had too. and since then i've made it a point to stop by and chat at least once a week, just cause i really dig the women in there, and our coversations about many different topics keeps me on my toes.

see, i can go into mother kali's when i'm feeling like crap. i can go in there feeling way low down and come out feeling a whole lot better. yes, as i've said many a time to those around me, mother kali's is a life line for me. a place i can go and find conversation, a place i can go and be me in all my forms.

so, i'm blogging for mother kali's books, just cause i owe them so much. and yes, mother kalis is a non-profit organization. every month that they are able to stay open is a victory for them and mainly us.

without places like mother kali's an innumerable number of authors would have never made it (barbara kingsolver comes to mind).

so, yeah. i'll get a link up, and i doubt anyone will participate, as there are much bigger well known charities to give money too. and i told them at mother kali's that.. but i don't care.

Posted by brooke at 07.17.31 PM

June 20, 2002
i am *so* not the southerner anymore

i am *so* not the southerner anymore.

i got a letter from my grandmother today. she said that they'd been having a HOT (underlined 3 times in her letter) spell, but that she was glad for the next few days as it was going to get down around 80 degrees F...

*agh* its nearly 80 degrees out right now, 79 specifically as pointed out by the bank sign over at 7th and chambers.. and i'm about to die. the car ac can't seem to get cold enough and its waaaaay to freakin' hot outside to read a book on the lawn, UNDERNEATH the cherry tree (re: in the shade). and its not even humid.

i have gotten so incredibly spoiled over the last 3 (nearly 4!) years. mild winters, mild summers... 90 degrees is about as hot as it gets around here. and to think, i used to live in georgia.. where 21 days over 100 degrees was a bad time.. now its 3 days over 85 and we're hatin' life. and again, its not even humid like it is here.

anyhow, thats enough whining.

went and did errands today. picked up a volunteer package for the relief nursery, got 3 new movies to rent, and got myself 2 treats! carmel apple chips.. and genesis apple-lemon juice! how exciting both finds were to make. applec chips and a new flavor of genesis juice! and just at the perfect time as i'm feeling a bit fluey these days. hopefully the lemon will drive out whatever is bothering me, and the apple will give me some much needed nutrients.

anyhow, the letter from my grandmother... and a box from perry and marsha.. to be opened at a later time. things rattle in there, i can't wait to see! oh yes, and a new keyboard. strange things are no longer happening when i hit verious keys. this is good.

anyhow, time to pop in a movie.

ps
private notes... hey lw, love you.
and cinnamon.. thank you, you are so incredibly kind :)

Posted by brooke at 04.41.43 PM

June 19, 2002

where have i been lately? maybe some of y'all are wondering.. most likely none of you are, and this is really for me. yeah, i guess putting some of this stuff out in public space is really for me.

here's the scoop.

i've been hiding out from everyone.. spending a lot of time watching movies, spending a lot of time sleeping. spending a lot of time attempting to wrap my head around the direction i am now needing to go in.

i'm still not sure if it'll all work out.. all the money and stuff. and maybe i should wait to write this until i get the money stuff worked out. till i know that i don't *have* to work... but i guess now is better than ever, eh?

so, after 3 years of begging my therapist to agree to disability for me, she finally has, well.. my doctor has and she concurred.

see, i thought going on disability would be easier. i thought my life would be easier.. but you know, its not. now that i'm actually disabled from this disease my life is just as hard as it was before. i'm hoping its just this hard right now as i'm working on all the ways to make sure that ends meet. and accepting the ends that won't meet. i'm hoping that i'll start being able to take care of myself like everyone says i should. once i figure out the financials, hopefully then i'll have time to dedicate to me and the cats, and nothing else.

see. here's the thing. i can't take care of myself. i have failed miserably over the last couple of years, and its only gotten worse. my being able to take care of me. and my depressions, the one's i've suffered for as far back as ever, have only gotten worse and the time inbetween, well.. just a trickle of water. no, no rivers of contendedness (happiness) for me.

i need to be able to take care of me, and then work on being able to take on the added stress of a job. i'm not able to feed myself very well, take care of the cats as well as they deserve (yes, they are very loved, and they get plenty of food and water), keep my house clean, get me back to where i was when i started out on this adventure to oregon.. the only difference- the knowledge of how to manage my disease.

so, this is where i am. i'm getting a lot of support from those around me. and i've gotten some good legal advice from someone recommended by a friend in the queer community. my doctor also knows how all this works, and my therapist, well... she's just holding my hand through it all. she says to me we'll get you through this.. she says to me i'm glad to hear from you.. words that i desperately need to hear from her right now. yeah, i'm really attached to her. she's been there through the last 3 years of escalating depressions and continues to be kind, be honest, and rock steady... just what i need.

and so that is my big confession to myself. and to the world. i am now disabled.. those women at alter-abled discussion were right.. those of us who are not alter-abled already are only TAPs--- temporarily abled persons. yeah, when the woman at the social security office gave me the number for senior and disabled services i nearly fainted. shit. this is real.

so, thats where i've been, and am.

Posted by brooke at 10.45.45 PM

June 18, 2002
movies

i've been watching a lot of movies lately. yes, that is where i have been, and are being right now... watching movies on both the dvd and the tv. after 6 weeks of network tv pretty much all the time i decided i'd had enough of it, so i stopped watching. network tv is boring, and doing all that i have to do to keep reception decent got old. so i gave up.

so, movies. i've never watched this many movies in my life! i went from 15 rentals at flicks 'n picks in 8 months, to 41 in the ensuing 2 weeks. flicks 'n picks is a great rental place.. they've got all sorts of odd movies that one would never imagine seeing in a place, and monday and tuesday--- its a buck a movie. what a sweet deal.

anyhow.

i can't remember all the flics i've seen, but amongst my favorites have been:

• man on the moon-- my very favorite. the movie about andy kaufman. one would think that me being the radical feminist that i am woud have been offended at his "inter-gender wrestling".. but the second time through i thought that was the funnies part! the man was pure genius, and jim carey-- genius at playing him. yes, this has definetly been my favorite.

• one day in september-- the documentary about the hostage crisis at the 1972 munich olympics. after i got done watching this i wrote a great post, but hit the wrong button and deleted it. it was all about understanding why people can hate a group of people, and that i'm not thrilled that i have this understanding now. anyhow, hopefully i'll rewrite it.

• songcatcher- about the ballads of southern appalachia. beatiful scenery, beautiful music, interesting storyline. i need to buy a copy of my own.

• thirteen days-- about the cuban missle crisis. i *just* got done watching this one. i never knew how close we were, i never knew that an american pilot had been shot down. this was brilliantly done, imho.

• the secret of roan inish-- an old favorite that i'd not seen in a long long time. still as beautiful as ever, still as wonderful a story. watched it twice. now, if only they had it on dvd i'd get a copy of my own to have around. yes, this is one of my all time favorite movies.

• center stage-- a movie about ballet dancing. boring plot, but rent it just to see some really really wonderful dancing. oh yeah and bart--- men in tights :)

  and for laughs:
  

• 28 days-- sandra bullock in alcohol treatment. yes, very funny.

• miss congeniality-- more sandra bullock. she's gorgeous. and this is funny, probably the best comedy i've rented.

• legally blonde-- another good one.
  

i've also decided that mena suvari (from american beauty) is absolutely goregous! as with stockard channing. i can't seem to get enough of those two

okay, thats about it...

oh wait. yes, i did rent star wars, the phantom menace.. *sigh* i couldn't make it through. and the fifth element-- if it hadn't been for milla jovovich i wouldn't have made it through that one either. i'm just not a sci-fi type chick. gove me real life drama, documentary, and *some* comedy and that'll satisfy me. all the other stuff, well.. agh. what a non-geek i am.. animation stuff, sci-fi, etc.. no thanks.

and on that note, its time for "seven years in tibet".. a movie i've seen before but haven't seen in ages.

Posted by brooke at 10.50.12 PM

i'm still here, sorta.

anyhow, i just want to mention.... after such a long time lisa has *FINALLY* gotten her new site up!

its beautiful.. love you girl :)

Posted by brooke at 02.44.52 PM