June 07, 2002
another link about palestinian terrorist attacks

my dr is out of town. i think i'm headed back to where i was a few weeks go.. manic, to a point. can't concentrate on anything. so, i'm posting here over and over and over.

anyhow. i found this article at salon.com: Trauma Lessons: Young women working as paramedics in Jerusalem divide their lives between bloody mayhem and the rituals of adolescence.

Posted by brooke at 01.46.12 PM

more southpark family

okay, so i lied. sorry lisa and todd.. the following are my favorite couples.. but thats cause they've had to put up with me all my life! okay, well, kathy since i was 7, and jim since i was 25.. but the following couples are somehow legally connected to me for life. and thats okay, cause i love them :)

mom. notice what her shirt says :)	jim. the stepfather in my life. yes, he loves ethiopia :)
dad. yes. dad is a bit nuts at time :) but luckily he's got kathy :)	kathy. the woman i never thought would become legally the stepmother. but she is now :) earth mother goddess :)
zack. the brother. isn't that sweet how much he loves meg? :)	meg. the sister-in-law. yes, she's a feminist, like me. isn't that great? :)

Posted by brooke at 12.38.47 PM

daddy is coming in september!

yeah yeah yeah!!!! MY DAD is coming in september to see me!!! yeah, its a long way away, but september is better than july.. besides he can't come to country fair, so he's gonna come to the eugene celebration instead.

i feel sorry for all of y'all cause.. nanny nanny nah nah.. he's my dad and not yours! hahahahahahahahahaha

i can't wait. i'm gonna start counting down the days, once he gives me an exact date on when he'll arrive :)

Posted by brooke at 11.36.48 AM

tile machine

i stole this from zeldman.. the tile machine.. helps ya see what an image will look like tiled. actually, the image you are creating. just like that damn kids memory game he linked too, i could also play there all day.

damn that zeldman :)

Posted by brooke at 10.10.38 AM

village voice article on the bombings

The War on Non-Combatants: Targeting Toddlers

its about the suicide bombings in israel.

Posted by brooke at 09.18.24 AM

for janelle

i normally don't write about dreams. i actually find people's accounts of dreams in their weblogs kinda boring (sorry folks) but the dear-one-janelle said "write about it"..

so j, here's what i can remember from my dream about us.

you and i drove north. i've been wanting to head north for awhile now. i've been wanting to explore north of the us/canadian border, since it is only hours away, and not days away. closest i've ever been to canada, been here for 4 years, and i've not been.

but j, you talk about alaska. you love alaska. you tell me about it and it makes me love alaska, juneau, and i've never been there.

so, the other night you and i drove north. and we got someplace in alaska. no ferries yet. but we ended up at a strip mall type place, we had to drive through a mountain pass to get there. you said to be careful because the corners were blind. we were on the inside, not the edge, so i did fine.

we got to the mall and your mom was there. i forget what we did with your mom, but she was there, in alaska.. apparently she went there a lot to do her shopping. not in portland, but in alaska.

we talked about taking the ferry through the inner passage. (is that what its called?).. apparently 5 ferries left every day. and it was $2.00 a day for us to take the ferry. with my car. we were going to take the ferry. we were going to go to juneau.

but i had to get back to work. you said we couldn't drive back through the pass at night because you couldn't see around the corners. it was too dangerous to do it at night. so we didn't go. we hung out with your mom. i don't remember what i did about work the next day. i think we left early enough for me to get back.

but we went to alaska. you and i. and your ma was there.

and j, that was the jist of my dream. still very vivid in my mind. the idea of taking the ferry through the inner passage (again, is that what its called?). how exciting.

okay. thats it.

Posted by brooke at 08.58.58 AM

June 06, 2002
can i accept the christian right?

can i accept the christian right?.. that was a question posed in one of my comments.

my response is this:
yes, i very much do accept the christian right. i do more than people might think i do. i accept the christian right as long as they don't try to take my rights away.. which they are bound and determined to do.. but i still accept them.

the following is a true story.

during the election campaign of 2000 i worked heavily to defeat a measure that would allow no positive representation of homosexuality and bisexuality in any publicly funded educational institution in the state of oregon. it was a measure put on our ballot by the oregon citizens alliance, a group that went so far to put a measure on the 1992 oregon ballot that compared homosexuality to beastiality and pedophilia.

now, you would think that i would avoid all contact with these people. you would think that i would detest these people. and when it comes down to the down right hate that the leader of the group, lon mabon, has, i do detest him.

but. i actually opened an email dialouge with bonnie mabon, lon mabon's wife. i originally started this conversation as a spy of sorts. i wanted them to think i was one of them. i wanted to learn more about them, and i figured they wouldn't talk to me otherwise. but soon, i just couldn't do it anymore. i couldn't pretend i wasn't who i was. so, i told bonnie mabon that i was a lesbian who was working very hard to defeat her measure.

bonnie and i exchanged a few emails, and in the end i told her we would never change the other person's mind. it was actually quite a peaceful exchange of emails. no hate was spewed, it was an open and honest exchange.

what i concluded from bonnie mabon was this: she believed that what her husband and their organizaiton were attempting to do was the right thing for the kids of oregon. yes, i honestly believe she thought this. and you know what? i respected her for it. i respected her for putting herself that much on the line to do what she thought was best for the children of my state. and i actually applaud her for doing it. i applaud her for believing so much in her beliefs that she does what she does. i have to admire her for caring about the children of this state to that extent.

granted, i disagree, and i wish i could have changed her mind, but i didn't. i can't. i cannot change the mind of a woman who is that strong in her beliefs. and for those of you who don't know anyting about the oregon citizens alliance, they are on par with jerry falwell, pat robertson, and fred phelps in the kind of hate they spew. but once you get past the hate and into the heart of a person, you see there is much more.

and that, that is what i learned from bonnie mabon, the first lady of the christian right in oregon.

finally... i share with my readers one of the first posts i ever posted in my weblog.. its about a woman i love very much, but its about a woman who was a member of the christian right during her lifetime. its also about 2 women who looked beyond their relationship when they discussed politics and yet still respected each other.i'd like all of you to meet my grandmother. i'm lucky. she got to hear this piece before she died on 12 december 2000. yes, she cried when she read it. yes, she told everyone about it.

Posted by brooke at 07.16.22 PM

prayer for delores

delores is the cat of two people who are becoming friends, 2 people that i circle with. she's having a huge mass removed from her belly today. j asked that i pray for her. so i will. and so i'm putting energy out here for them. delores is not the only one in their tiny family that is very ill. they need to be together for as long as possible.

Posted by brooke at 02.03.59 PM

i've become obsessed

i've become obsessed with making southpark characters.

here are the ones i've come up with, besides myself.

so, first i made my favorite couple.

yes, its todd, my favorite gun toting freak :)

and

lisa, one of my very favorite people in the whole wide world!

then i hit my family.. this came from me playing around and seeing a striking resemblance to my cousin b.

this is b, youngest son to my uncle t.

and how could i not create e, daughter to my uncle t?

this is uncle t. they didn't have any balding hair so i had to put a hat on him instead, cause he's just got a fringe around his head.

and finally, my aunt j. wife to t, mom to b and e.

oh wait! i forgot one!!!

dad. yes, how could i forget dad.

soon i'm sure to make zackary and meg, my brother and his partner, and mom and jim, and also my aunt s, uncle c, and cousins k and a. just cause i'm having so much fun :)

Posted by brooke at 01.16.59 PM

stop judging the queer community

nico, you are not a member of the queer community. stop making stupid remarks about our community and how we respect ourselves. you say you are bisexual, but fuck, are you queer identified? do you love and embrace our community and all its differences? no, obviously you don't. you only spread dislike about us, and then stand behind "i'm bisexual".. well fuck bisexual. i know a man who has had sex with other men who is no more identified with the queer community than my mother.

okay, you get to say whatever you want, but you certainly aren't helping the queer cause by attacking us as you are, in every stupid post.

go to a pride celebration with your eyes wide open. go to a pride celebration and know that those people will do anything they can to protect your rights to have sex with same sex people. love them and all their wonderful diversity. thats what the queer community is about. we are NOT the heterosexual community. we are different than the heterosexual community. one reason why we are so hated. but to be hated by someone who claims to be bisexual, thats just ridiculous.

open your eyes and your mind. accept us for the rainbow of colors that we are. ALL OF YOU accept us for the diversity that we are. you might disagree with some folks, but learn to love them. i disagree with the sexist contigent of queer males that i know, but you know what? i still love them because they are a member of my very diverse community.

no, we are not here to become like straight people, like so many of us want us to. we have a history of being different. GO READ ABOUT IT. might i recommend "stone butch blues" by leslie feinberg, and for dyke history "odd girls and twilight lovers".. oh yeah and don't buy them at amazon, go to a local indie bookstore that supports our community.. or find one that you can order them from, one that will ship these books to you.

i am so sick of people who say "well i've slept with < the same sex > and so therefore i know what you are going through" BULL SHIT. you do not know what queers face on an everyday basis. you do not.

Posted by brooke at 09.21.06 AM

June 05, 2002
reminder to myself

i don't have a whole lot of friends. i'm not the type to make them and i'm not the type to keep them. i'm a big flake, and i'm rather particular.

i don't have any friends from high school, undergrad, or graduate school. the only friends i have from my 7 years in atlanta are the dears perry and marsha.

i'm getting better at the friend thing. keeping them, trusting them, allowing them into my life. i'm finding people who aren't afraid of my bad side. i'm finding people that don't mind me calling them a part of my family.

so, i write about them. and soon i need to write a piece about gl. pablo neruda's 13 reasons i love thee. yes, i think thats the poem. so this is a reminder to me. how do i love thee gl, let me count the ways. or is that shakespeare? oh fuck. i mean it to pablo neruda. you know gl, like the 13 ways i loved m. i gave it too her.

Posted by brooke at 09.03.23 PM

i ask for it

the following is in response to my what i want post. you know, the one about the dildo...

throw it:

You are so sick.People like you should be locked up or put in a straight
jacket.You really are a big whiner..whining over a stupid dildo.Thats not my
problem you cant get laid.Whats the matter you are hideous in real life so you
can only get a dildo on a friday night.Why the hell did u leave your dildo at
your mom's house talk about disrespect.If you are that hard up for a dildo you
could also do the poor man's dildo...your finger.Or get a sex change you freak!

now, i could go on and on about how this is my space and all that... but instead i'll go ahead and talk about my suspicions about who this person is

• a member of the christian right
  
• someone who is terribly jealous that i can be so honest and forthright, something that they can't pull off in their own lives.
  
• a member of the christian right
  
• someone who hasn't had sex in a long time
  
• a member of the christian right
  
• some poor fool who has too much time on their hands and must go around spewing this kind of stupidity
  
• a member of the christian right
  
• some poor idiot who doesn't know how to use the back button in her or his browser
  
• a member of the christian right
  
• this stupid bitch who is moving to eugene
  
• and finally, a member of the christian right
  

have a good evening all :)

Posted by brooke at 06.16.53 PM

me as a southpark character

so, i got jealous that faith had a southpark rendition of herself. no one was going to make me one, so i went and made my own...

oh yeah, the gun... its for the fight. yeah.. dig it. the fight. and if you don't get what that means, well.. sorry. :)

Posted by brooke at 11.17.36 AM

letter to dad

this is the letter i just sent to dad:

Date: Wed, 5 Jun 2002 13:56:37 -0400 (EDT)
From: m. brooke robertshaw
To: Dad
Subject: when you should come

i think you should come for the eugene celebration, in september, instead of for country fair, in july. my life is way up in the air right now and i need everything to settle down some before i welcome a guest into the fray.

i hope that makes sense?

i love you and miss you and want you and i to have a wonderful time. call me selfish. but it'll be easier to have a wonderfully relaxing time when things are more settled.

i do miss you. and i tell people stories about my father and what an incredible person he is. and how i feel sorry for them cause h2r is my father and not theirs :).

lots of my friends have icky relationships with their parents, esp. their fathers.. and i always chime in, sometimes reluctantly, sometimes to show off, other times to show that there are decent men out there who are fathers. i tell them stories about you starting to paddle cause i needed someone to paddle with.. and how you forbid me to move to california cause of the earthquakes.. and how my friend tania said to me "i can take you. but you and your father together.. its way too intense." and how i took pride in that.. and how i see myself looking more and more like you everyday and what a wonderful thing that is. i tell them these stories of looking at pictures of you and how i'm so filled with love my heart feels like its gonna burst.

yeah, so when you come i want things to be more settled. so you and i can make dinner together, shoooing away the cats. so you and i can enjoy the celebration parade and the slug queen. so you can meet gl and larry and they can finally meet this father of mine i so adore.

okay, i've rambled enough.

me.

Posted by brooke at 10.59.08 AM

beautifully put faith

okay, at this point y'all should have picked up that i enjoy faith. i'm going through my normal morning routine.. checking everyone's weblogs, seeing what folks are up too at this hour of the morning, or that hour of last night. anyhow, this post about the diversity of people that faith wrote is exceptionally wonderful. yes, its short, but it says everything i feel about people too. thank you :)

Posted by brooke at 08.21.57 AM

June 03, 2002
monday, yet again.

cal says i should write here whatever i want. afterall, the vast majority of y'all are strangers, and will remain that way. and this is my space and i get to write whatever i want.

she's got a point. she always has a point. yes, cal always has something wonderful to say, and even though i might disagree with her at times (okay, just this one time), what she has to say is still good. and i appreciate her input.

but, cal, i didn't tell you.. i've got a private space. its one that i've forgotten about for a long while, but you reminded me of it the other day when you were commenting to me about writing about whatever i want.

so, today i went there. and i wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. i wrote down everything i thought about over the weekend. i wrote down my visions, i wrote down my hopes, i wrote about future loves.

and it felt good. and its mine. its mine and whoever i wish to share it with. so, i might take it when i see k on wednesday. and i might very well take it when i see c next friday. yes, things they probably already know, but things i believe they should know.

its been a day that i've changed cd's. normally i listen to one cd all day, but today has just not been that day. they are annoying me after one listen.

i started with rites of passage by indigo girls. rites of passage has always been a good one for me to listen to when i'm stressed, but today it only annoyed me. so i switched to one dozen live roses by radar rose. yeah, it was nice to hear jane's voice. i managed almost 2 play throughs. then jane got on my nerves. thats bad, jane doesn't get on my nerves, i love her too much... and then came mirrorball by sarah maclachlan. my therapist plays that one a lot, so i always feel like i'm in her office when i listen to it. i felt a need to be in her office. but finally, as i was stacking my cds, i found built like that by alix olson. not listened to alix o. in a really long time. i burned myself out when i first got her cd. but today, today is nice to listen to alix olson... as i gaze at the picture of milla jovovich as jeanne romee (joan of arc). just seems appropriate, ya know?

i've managed to get most of the hr domino application recreated. we had to move servers and i just looked at it some and then said delete it all, confident that i could reproduce anything that was there. mainly everything that was on the old server was crap that i'd played with. learning. okay, i'm still learning and this new server is bound to become full of crap. fuck, our webdev server is full of all sorts of crap that i've played with. but anyhow, this domino application. its been terribly easy to replicate. now i just need to finish the navigation, and then if the new director wants to see it, he can. i still haven't figured out that damn @DbLookup, and thats ticking me off.. but thats not the one thats mentioned in my job evaluation. thats not they one they know about. and that @DbLookup, well, i can get by without it.

what else? there are simply things going on in my life that i don't even want strangers to know. facets of my life that i know i don't want dad (sorry dad) to read about here. dad worries about me, and i don't want him to over worry. and there are others that i could worry. well, maybe thats being pompus to think that anyone else in blogland would worry about me.. but maybe. and i don't want that to happen.

i need to be alone with the deepest of my thoughts. i'm spending too much time seeing it go around in circles, and i need to take them inward, i need to be able to reach out and grab whatever thought there is and write it down and not have to worry about any kind of reactions, but my own.

my life might change. and that scares me. and that too is something that i need to be able to keep close to me. i need it not to be thrust out in a public space, even if most of y'all are strangers and don't matter, this is still a public space. i guess its like where you choose to go naked. do you go naked at the library? the park? only in your bathroom? in your bedroom? though i choose to go naked in public places they are very calculated public places. places that can be trusted, places with people, or not people, that can be trusted. i choose to go naked when i'm not scared about the things going on around me.

i think i get it.

Posted by brooke at 03.50.32 PM