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May 11, 2002 and it never ends i guess i could say i'm sick again. or i had a bit of a respit. and now its no longer. i have no idea. if you talk to my docs they'll say there was no respit. all i know is that two weekends ago i was feeling good enough to do house wrok. that isn't true anymore. that hasn't been true for enough time to know that things aren't working. to know that this is a never ending battle and i doubt i'll ever get this under control. i'm spending time playing pinball tonight. you know, the pinball that comes with windows 2k and xp? its absolutely adorable. i love pinball. today i did something for myself. today i drove to portland, singing at the top of my lungs all the way, and spent time at powells books, the largest independent bookstore in the world. i spent money i don't have to spend. and now i have 2 books (one brand new hard back, which is a big NO NO) that now that i'm back, i have no interest in. thats how i know i'm sick. i had to leave powell's with this hard back, and now just the thought of reading it is overwhelming. i've got an opinion running about in my mind... something i'll put here. something that old brooke, before brooke got tired, would write. you know, fire and brimstone type stuff. anyhow, it's sure to piss most of y'all off.. but i don't give a shit, because its how i've concluded i feel. and finally. in an attempt to make myself feel better i remind myself that if i ran around in academia circles then maybe i'd feel like i actually did something well for once. huh? see, what most people don't know is that my masters degree in instructional technology, well.. its from the harvard medical school of instructional technology departments.. the top 3 in the country are always being switched around.. and the one at the university of georgia is one of those 3. see, if i were to have gotten a job in higher education, in my field, the fact that i got my degree from the university of georgia would have made people look.. like when people say they graduated from harvard. i know it doesn't seem like a big thing.. but for me, esp. with work being the way it is, its something. it reminds me of something. it might be this ol' external pedigree something.. but i don't give a shit. i don't care a flying fig. if thats what it takes to get respect, then i'll take it. and in this world, thats what it takes. so, i remind myself. i did it. i got my degree from one of the top 3 instructional technology departments IN THE COUNTRY. i almost flunked out of high school.. but i managed to graduate with a masters degree, with a 3.5gpa, from the university of georgia's instructional technology department. and that says something about this eternally depressed person. Posted by brooke at 11.20.44 PM
a quick service announcement
a word to those of you who a) surf at work and b) want to go check out that link over there --> jackrabbit lair that content ls... what some people might classify as... well. hmm. pornograpy.. x-rated. r-rated. not suitable for looking at at work but if you just don't give a shit and want to read some really great writing, go read it.. its really great stuff. see.. jackrabbit lair.. i just know him as larry. he's a quiet man. really sweet. incredibly kind. well spoken, passionate, loving. he's all a dyke would want in a man and more. i find this side of him very interesting. this is a side of him i don't know. and to be honest with you, i didn't realize what a great writer he is. 2 writers in one family, who would have thought. but of course, now that i think of it.. so my point? go read. enjoy. good porn is hard to find. honest porn is hard to find. porn from the heart is hard to find. and you know what? i wouldn't even classify this as pornography. i'd just classify this as some excellent writing about sex. call it what you may... but in my book that isn't pornography. pornography isuch an awful word, with so many awful connotations, and this simply isn't that. Posted by brooke at 09.05.14 AMMay 10, 2002 this might interest people i just got the following in my email today.. it was posted in response to a post on 29 january: sick and tired: i just want to say to all isreal citizenship that i want peace peace is it too big i want to live on my ansistor country i hate violant iam a man have blood also a nervous system i felt sad mad after what happen in jenin camp it is a naked raw nude on the all humanity i used to talk about the advantages on the peace with my friends but now i which face u want me to talk May 09, 2002 apache: the definitive guide sometimes i can be such a geek. hehehehe i actually love that side of myself. yesterday i went to smith family to see if i could find a used visual basic book. i didn't find one... but i did find apache: the definitive guide.. see, when our last unix admin left he took that book (even though i don't think it was his).. it was a book i looked to often.. that was where i learned about all sorts of cool uses of .htaccess.. anyhow, as i was browsing through the visual basic books my eye caught the apache book. now i've got it beside me, and i put my name on it. and i am just SO EXCITED. but i can't go looking through it right now cause i gotta move things over to the new domino server. dammit. Posted by brooke at 08.32.55 AMMay 08, 2002 insomnia it is 11.47pm PDT and i am awake. i should be asleep. i took drugs quite awhile ago.. but like last night i am struck with insomnia. luckily tommorrow i don't have to wake up till 8.30am vs my usual 5.45am so i've got some time to spare.. hence my posting at this hour of the hmm... what shall i write about? oh yes, the lesson i shared with my brother zack today. if you are going to be crazy, you should follow my example and go all out. don't just be halfway crazy. see.. here's the advantage of going all out... or at least my advantage.. when in the middle of a crisis, being as crazy as i am i can call my dr's answering service and ask to be put through to her.. no matter who is on call. yes. i don't have to talk to some stranger... the other night the phone call went something like this... "my name is brooke robertshaw.. thats brooke w/ an e. rob-ert-shaw. i need to talk to dr. c." "what kind of emergency is it?" "a mental health emergency" "okay, hold on, i'll call the dr on call" "NO. i said i need to talk to dr. c. i can be put through to her." "hold on one second.... okay, we'll call dr. c for you" i thought it sort of akin to calling my mom's office.... "hello, deans office" "is dianne there?" "she is, but she isn't taking phone calls right now" "this is her daughter." "hold on one second." i guess its a power trip. being the daughter, being crazy enough to warrant a special notation in the computer that i am to be put through directly to dr. c no matter who is on call. the way i explained it to my dear brother is this: i know.. seems pretty pathetic. but in the end, the point is trying to find the silver lining to a pretty bleek rainbow. and knowing that i can reach someone who i can trust in a time of crisis.. well.. it makes my life easier. it makes those crises smaller. and even though i pay this person for her services.. the fact that she gives a that much of a shit about me that i can call her pretty much anytime means something too me. i have friends that i can't count on like that. and my doctor, she doesn't have to do this for me. and so it might seem like its a light-hearted thing.. but its not. thats why she's the best doctor in the whole world, in my book. so, the point of the story is that its now 20 minutes later.. and there are probably a lot of typos... because this is teensy print and ipm lying down in bed waiting for the xanax to kick in, and i'm far away from the screen. and you know what? there really aren't any benefits to being crazy.. no matter what i've just said. Posted by brooke at 12.05.50 AMMay 07, 2002 change and constants so, i voted yesterday. i voted yesterday for bev stein in the primary. she's running for governor. i was going to vote for someone else, but as i was sitting in my car with my ballot in hand (oregon has mail in elections), i kept thinking about what we told people during the 2000 no on 9 campaign.. every vote counts.. see, my plan was to vote for someone else, and then vote for bev in november. see, bev was going to win the primary. but every vote counts, so my vote in the primary against bev would count. so, i voted for her. but even voting for bev wasn't voting my conscience. because, see.. bev isn't radical enough for me. at least, i don't think so. its been so long since i've talked politics. i guess i've forgotten where i stand. i've seen the vagina monologues embraced by our society.. i've seen cross-generational feminist discussions taking place on oprah. i've seen matthew sheppard die on my tv screen.. and last night i saw a transgendered woman elected prom queen at winslow high. so, i'm wondering.. is the world at large becoming more radical, or am i becoming more like the world at large? do i feel comfortable being like the norm, or am i going to continue to find ways to distance myself, while yelling at the world to accept my distance? so, i voted for bev stein. and my world will continue to turn, though now in a direction differently than originally planned. my world changes, and though i try hard to resist, it will change. and who will become our next governor? i'm not sure how much it matters. what matters the most to me is that i get to vote for our next governor, and the one after that and after that. that my world changes and my one constant is eugene, oregon. Posted by brooke at 08.39.14 AMMay 06, 2002 in the midst of it all in the midst of it all i feel myself holding on to those left behind tighter than i thought i'd ever hold on to them. i find myself needing them. i find myself needing their acceptance. we're all dealing with this differently, but we're all dealing with the same thing. the loud sonic boom that went off in the middle on friday. the loud sonic boom from the mouth of a mouse, that left silence. i find myself looking to new leaders. hoping that they'll step up to the plate, hoping that i can find reassurance standing behind them. i ask the goddess to give them strength as we all find our way in this new state together. i ask the goddess to keep them in their place, because i need them there. i need them there because that mouse is no longer. Posted by brooke at 11.02.31 AMMay 05, 2002 dear dr. c. dear dr. c., |
I sing with you
Solo: on her own adventure, ed. Susan Fox Rogers Cunt: A declaration of independence, Inga Muscio
Various Dar Williams Various John Denver
movies i wanna see
american civil liberties union unitarian universalist association
admired
enjoyed
july 14 in the life of brooke (for patti's day o' pics)
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