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May 04, 2002 sing for me? My mind runs wild as water (no, i'm not dying) Posted by brooke at 06.38.51 PMMay 03, 2002 say it ain't so S.O. all i can say about today is that my world as i know it is falling apart. and no, excercise is NOT going to fix it. you know what'll fix it? some good, hard, psychotropics. so far today i've downed 2 phenobartibols, and 2 xanax's.. i just about drank some alchohol, but i decided that the xanax was far better.. and in a little while i'm gonna take some celexa, topomax, anafranil, and amitryptline. and tommorrow i'll be on the phone with my doctor making sure she called the other doctor so that i could get harder drugs, because, as i said before, my world as i know it is falling apart and exercise is NOT going to fix it. this needs some serious chemicals thrown at it. i mean big bad man made chemicals.. the more toxic, the more mind numbing you can get, the better. i'm scared, and i'm terrified. and no, exercise will NOT fix it. you know what might? something hawaiian, something japanese. something that answers to the initials S.O. and a remark that today was just one big joke. yeah, that'll fix it. dammit dammit dammit. dammit S.O.. say it ain't so S.O., say it ain't so. Posted by brooke at 10.32.25 PMMay 02, 2002 new box well.. the new box is nice. its fast. yeah.. noticebly faster.. fuck, it should be. my machine at work is 1ghz, the machine i'm upgrading from is a 233mhz.. 1.6ghz, i better notice a big ol' difference. to be honest with you, i didn't notice much of a difference from the 233mhz at work to the 1ghz at work.. but now i'm noticing a way difference from work to home. now, if only we could get cable here. then my internet connection would be fast too. i need to spend a lot more time with xp.. fuck. netscape just installed in like 5 seconds. fuck. that was way freakin' fast. and while i've got aol open, ie running, a telnet client running, and aim running. yesh, my old machine couldn't do that. and now my modem just popped up.. and if i had caller id, it would have let me know who it was. so, yes. i'm thrilled with my new machine. Posted by brooke at 07.16.24 PM
maggie
dear goddess or god of the internet, thank you,
its here!
the new box is here.. in my car. now i have to wait 8 hours till i can leave, and another hour till i get home. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. but you know, it doesn't make me feel any better. those neurons still aren't working. i'm sure y'all are just thrilled to hear more and more about my depression.. but as i said to my friend gl yesterday, my life is work, this depression, and the cats. yes. i go to work, i manage this disease in order to keep myself from killing myself, and i herd my cats. it is what it is. Posted by brooke at 09.18.56 AM
computer, frontier house, and extensions.
my computer is in corvallis right now. thats 20 minutes away from where its going to be delivered to, here in albany. maybe i should be more excited? maybe my neurons should work better... BLAH. am i the only one who's caught the pbs show "Frontier House"? i think its a way better reality show than any of the shows on commercial television. yeah, the personal drama is kinda ridiculous, but at least the people living it get to learn something, and the viewers get to learn something too.. what has been the best thing has been the part about eating the animals on the farm. the people get attached to them, and then they kill them. discussions around what they buy in the store, or at mcdonalds are these animals.. the first time they killed a chicken i looked away.. the second time i watched. if i'm going to eat chicken, i should watch. though i must admit i had to turn off the television last night when they were getting ready to butcher the family pig, that they'd named. but still, the reality is, the meat i eat, those animals is where it comes from, and i need to face up too it, and accept that, and think about the reality of it, or not eat it. could i kill a chicken, a pig, a cow? if i can't, then i shouldn't eat it. that might seem harsh, but i think it really is a matter of accepting the truth of what i choose to put in my body. that said, i should go out and tell the receptionist that a big ol' box is coming for me today, and i should give her my extension. no, we here in technology services don't give out our extensions.. we give everyone in the esd one number and then it gets routed to us through the help desk. sometimes i think we are spoiled. but then i remember.. oh yeah.. its not for someone like me.. its to make sure that people don't get harrassed by those who need computers fixed, or programs fixed. luckily i don't have that problem.. so, its just an added advanatage for me.. at one point someone in the esd suggested i give my extension out so i'd be more accessible. no. its dept. policy not to give it out. if i do, i tell people to eat it when they are done. Posted by brooke at 08.01.54 AMMay 01, 2002 dear dr. c dear dr. c, i'm forgetting things, i'm way stressed out, and i've figured out i'm a big dummy. and did i mention... YOUR DRUGS AREN'T WORKING. i know how much you love it when i say that. anyhow. thats all for now. April 30, 2002 pitiful this is about the time that i start feeling sorry for myself. yes, i feel pitiful. i feel pitiful and rather invisible. goodness, i'm a bright shiny light today, aren't i? i'm sitting at work and i've got stuff to do, but i don't feel like doing it. i don't feel like struggling with domino, i don't feel like reading more about lotusscript, because at this point its getting rather incomprehensible. i wish i had someone to work with, i wish there was not just me trying to learn this, because then we could try to desipher this together. maybe i wouldn't feel so invisible. then i'd have someone to push me? i don't feel like searching through the server to find the logs. i've forgotten where d put them, and i've got to find them. i've got a long overdue task to do with them, but i don't feel like finding them, and i don't feel like asking d where they are, again. what do i feel like doing? going home and curling up on my couch. thats what i feel like doing. how long have i been back at work? oh yeah, one week and one day. not long. is it time to call back my doctor and say "your drugs are not working"? i told her friday that they were. i've got a meeting today with a friend who's been working on domino for a year and a half, doing what i'm doing-- building web applications. she said she'd help me with whatever i needed help with. i finally gave in and asked her for help. thanks to her questions back to me i sort of, i hope, got on the right track, and hopefully i've looked at some right things so i won't be as stupid when we get together.. and hopefully i'll come back with some answers that will enable me to finally get this application done so that when the server gets built i can get it into test production and then into production. its a much needed application. lots of people will be able to use it. and hopefully it'll raise my spirits. *sigh* too much waiting. waiting for this meeting with my friend, waiting for my computer, waiting to see if these drugs will help long term (longer than a few weeks), waiting waiting waiting waiting. waiting to see if people will clean their hard drives, cause i'm rather sick and tired of getting this damn kleck virus. would everyone just go back to pine, please? because then no one would get the virus. would everyone STOP using outlook? good goddess, you'd think people would be smart enough by now to stop using that damn program. i simply cannot believe how stupid people are. "lets continue to use the program that so many viruses attack." i know, i know.. not all of you are fortunate enough to be able to telnet in to your email account. i think its time to become that fortunate, or get an isp that will protect you from that damn virus. yes, i've been protected both at home and work. yes, at work i don't telnet in, at work i use lotus notes. at work i've recieved klek about 10 times. its been caught every time. so, would people please wisen up? i'm sick of it at this point. and yes, i'm in a bitchy mood. and if i've offended anyone because of the email program they use, i don't give a shit. because if you still use a microsoft product to check your email, then you deserve to be offended. because microsoft products are so often targeted. Posted by brooke at 10.18.50 AMApril 29, 2002 no no nononono ls if only i could be developing applications for the lotus domino client, instead of for the web... my life would be SO much more easier. but NOOOOOOO i've got to do the next to impossible thing... and i am NOT a programmer. i've been resisting. but it looks inevitable. fuck. dammit. i have to learn lotusscript. shit. as if the domino and the formula language alone weren't frustrating enough. Posted by brooke at 12.14.29 PM
ps
would everyone please clean up their computers. luckily i telnet into my email.. if i didn't i'd be way freakin' screwed.. do you know how many times i've gotten this kleck virus? if i had a nickle for every time........ Posted by brooke at 10.22.56 AM
the palisades
if you look across the river from dad's house you'll see the mountains. if you look up stream you'll see the bridge, and more mountains.. but if you look downstream from dad's house you'll see this: 
morning in the robertshaw brain
its morning in the robertshaw brain. monday morning to be precise. the morning started with a bang. okay, thats a lie. the morning started a long time ago. make that 5 hours ago, when i finally gave up and finally decided it was time to wake up, after 12 hours of sleep. yes thats right. 5 hours ago, after 12 hours asleep. i guess i was tired, because sunday i fell asleep at 2pm, after only being awake for 4 hours, and slept for 12 hours. i guess i needed a nap. now i've been awake since 2, and have been at work for 25 minutes... i could have come in earlier, if i wasn't afraid of screwing up turning off the alarm. so, i've already checked on my computer, and if everything goes right, it'll be here 5 days earlier than projected. ups has it tracked to be in albany, or. on the 2nd of may. thats thursday. yes, its being delivered to work. i'll continue to track it through the week to make sure, and then i'll spend thursday harrassing the receptionist about it. checking every hour to see if its here. no. i'm not known for my patience. at some point today, or tommorrow, i'll write a rant about medical boards, drs, and drugs. inspired by a conversation with my own dr, television commercials featuring precription drugs, and bill moyers. what else? oh yeah. i must be in a blacksburg kinda mood today. i've got on a blacksburg t-shirt, and i'm attempting to scan in a picture from b'burg to show y'all what the view from dad's place looks like. but, the damn scanner software is not being friendly with fireworks. and i don't feel like fucking with it all to get it to work at this moment, so you'll just have to wait. on that note, i should either get to work or continue to find other things that will help me put off doing it. Posted by brooke at 07.14.35 AM |
I sing with you
Solo: on her own adventure, ed. Susan Fox Rogers Cunt: A declaration of independence, Inga Muscio
Various Dar Williams Various John Denver
movies i wanna see
american civil liberties union unitarian universalist association
admired
enjoyed
july 14 in the life of brooke (for patti's day o' pics)
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