April 26, 2002
look!

you know.. i've been so stuck up in my own head.. the last months have been so difficult for me.. i'm just now noticing..

amber.. welcome back :) its so nice to see you back on line. with a new domain.. starting a fresh.

:)

Posted by brooke at 01.42.53 PM

who said it?

well, i thought that if anyone would get the second quote, faith or patti would get it. who said it? yeah, that sweet, innocent, kind, girl.. you know, the one that you'd just love to take home to mom (no matter what your sexual preferance).. LISA YES! of JUST LISA.

oh, and btw. she also said the first one. she was comforting me, in a time of frustration 8-D

and. yesterday, i put put down $900.00 on a new box. 1.6Ghz. 20gig HD, dvd, broadband ready, modem, surround sound sound card, 256 ram (upgradeable to 2 gigs), windows xp. no, no flat screen monitor, yet. i'll wait till they get cheaper. it will be here on the 7th. they're delivering to work. and i didn't bring my order number, today. but i'll have it monday, because i can track it online :).

yes, my other computer is.. well, it needs a new motherboard.. so, why not just get a brand new computer? hahahaha

well, i'm gonna turn the old hard drive into a linux drive and run apache on it. i've been wanting to learn linux and apache for a long time. i've got someone to help me, so its all good. anyone know where i can get a drive try in eugene, or do i have to order it?

okay. btw. i'm still thinking about this gut thing. and how i'm not writing from there anymore. and how thats pretty much been my signature in this blogging world. and how thats been my signature all throughout my life. living life from deep inside my head and feeling from down inside my gut. the two intertwined giving me a ride that can't be beat by the fastest and steepest of roller coasters.

i do miss it, but i also know that i'm getting a lot accomplished right now. i'm functioning at a level i never thought possible. work has become a priority i never thought it would be. i'm grateful to have what i have in work. i'm grateful for the challenge that domino hands me, and i'm grateful for the pieces of the puzzle that that i unravel every week, and i hope i get to continue to work with domino, even though on a daily basis i just want to take the server and throw it through the window.

last night i realized how much i've missed over the last 3 years. and how incredibly grateful i am to be in oregon. to be in eugene. its all slipped by in a haze of sick. for me living i a place where a river goes through town.. its.. well, i can't give it words.

anyhow, my goal is to get back to leading from the gut, but with more rationality thrown in. i miss me, but i don't miss irrational me.

Posted by brooke at 09.05.48 AM

April 25, 2002
2nd quote o' the day

second quote o' the day.

so I hung up with b and answered m and said "Dammit!! WHAT???", cuz I'm all nice like that.

guess who said THAT.

Posted by brooke at 02.44.21 PM

quote of the day.

quote o' the day.

"lotus is a position, not an application"

guess who said it?

Posted by brooke at 10.22.24 AM

April 24, 2002
frustration

i'm not writing from my gut these days. i like writing from my gut. i'm not sure why this is. i'd like to blame the drugs. for some reason, when ever i try to get to that place there always seems to be this big road block.. or something. it even seems to be lost at times. just wiped off my mental map. except for one bad week, the last few weeks actually haven't been that bad, depression wise. my anxiety is a bit out of control, but i'm not actively suicidal for the first time in a long time. this is good. but my passion is gone. and that is bad.

my therapist told me that my passion wouldn't leave me when my depression left. i'm going to talk to her about this today. i'm also going to talk to my dr. on friday about it. i'd rather be depressed and passionate than happy and not passionate. i've always loved my passion. and for it to be gone, at the hands of chemicals, well... thats unacceptable. i just don't feel like me like this.

Posted by brooke at 10.39.07 AM

April 23, 2002
chel is SOOO right.

let me just say that chel is SOOO right about this swimming thing being a good thing. i went swimming before work, and i didn't even mind getting up at 20 till 6 to do it. i'll be doing it tommorrow too. and you know what? its a much better way to control anxiety than with xanax or phenobarbitol.

Posted by brooke at 11.03.08 AM

April 22, 2002
raising in song for her.

i believe that the vibrations we create when we raise our voices in song resonate differently through the earth than when we just talk. song can take any form. a chant is song. if you listen to a chant, you can hear the song in it. i also believe in the energies of the great mother goddess earth, the healing energies of the great mother goddess earth.

i have a friend who is far away from me who needs my help. who i can't help in anyway but listen. but i can also do what i can with my energy to help her. i've been working with the following lyrics for the past week. why am i posting them here? to send these energies out into a greater scope. maybe i can get the energies moving along the networks of people and wires and then healing for her can happen. you don't know who she is and that doesn't matter, just know that there is an incredible woman out there who needs healing energy.

I sang for you
though you did not hear
and I sang to the tree spirits
asking them to release your fear
every living thing is vulnerable
I'm powerless to change that
Still I sing for you

I sing with you
though you may not hear
we sing for your spirit
may it rise above fear
every living thing is vulnerable
I'm powerless to change that
Still I sing with you

c 2000 rebecca riots

Posted by brooke at 07.38.03 PM

okay, so i'm going to swim

okay, so my anxiety is through the roof. tommorrow gl and i will go swimming before i head to albany for work. it'll mean i won't be able to leave work till 4.30, but thats fine. i think. i'll be more relaxed when i get to work. at least i should be.

Posted by brooke at 01.32.03 PM

more distraction

you know.. it never ceases to amaze me that people my age actually have kids. its not that i'm young. actually, when my mom was my age (29) she had zack and i. but still... i'm not nearly ready to have them. fuck. i'm barely adult enough to have cats, much less kids. anyhow, i just thought i'd share that thought.

Posted by brooke at 10.58.21 AM

agh.

this bites. i cannot concentrate. its only 9.41am on my first day of the week. fuck.

Posted by brooke at 09.42.07 AM

back

lets see.

i'm into my first hour back at work.

i'm not that happy about it. no no no no no.

its not that i hate my job. i actually have a good job. and a good boss. and good benefits. and for a k-12 job, good pay. its the *having* to be here for a particular amount of time. and its the whole 45 miles away from eugene that gets to me.

i was supposed to go swimming with gl this morning, but i backed out cause, well, its the beginning of my first full week of work. on my way up this morning i got mad at myself. i'm planning to be at the pool on wednesday. fuck, i might even be there tommorrow, without gl. i need to swim out some of this anxiety.

what else?

oh, bev stein might not get my vote for governor. i saw a program with the 3 leading democrats for oregon governor and well.. bev was just too much the politician for me. fuck, i've forgotten his name.. YES, HIS name, when i see it i'll recognize it.. but one dude was not only competent (another dude was just not competent) but down to earth and not the politician. i liked what he said, and how he said it. i could imagine myself having dinner with him. bev, well.. she put me on edge. she was just too polished. i don't like that. give me rough edges. so, even though i know bev's field director and everyone i know is behind her, i don't think she'll be getting my vote in the primary.

oh, and on another note. during my tv watching yesterday. saw a really really good program on genetically modified foods. check your local public brodcasting station listings.. i've forgotten what it was called, but it was 2 hours, and gave equal time to both sides of the discussion.

okay, back to work with me. ugh.

Posted by brooke at 08.37.21 AM