April 20, 2002
this and that

well, after 6 weeks on a kind of medical leave i start back to full time work on monday. thats *the day after tommorrow*..... i just realized that a few minutes ago. agh.

but this week i treated myself to 3 brand new dresses. but 2 need to get hemmed. so, i'll have to wait on two of them. but one, one i'll wear on monday. its just perfect.

yesterday was fun. it was a long day out. swimming, lunch, dress shopping, sex store visiting. i'm gonna have to call my mom. "hey mom, when you drive a's car out, would you mind bringing my harness and dildo? i thought i'd brought it, but its not here."

today was nice too. saturday market. i joined a march for global justice, watched speakers at the end of the march. went to alton baker park, sat by the river, got on the cell and called east. dad and i talked about israel. how its staring us all in the face. how we're watching it go on, that bombing and terrorism do not stop terrorism and bombing. and how bush and all the other people calling for war in reaction to violent acts are just incredibly stupid to think it will stop violent activists. dad's afraid that israel/palestine might be the beginning of WWIII. i don't know. i think if we tried we could learn. i also think that someone needs to hit bush across the head and make him see whats going on, and then hit him again and make him understand the parallels between what israel is doing to palestine and what we are doing with this whole "war against terrorism thing." and then i think someone needs to slap him one more time across the head... well, just cause he's so stupid to even think that a war against terrorism would work. and then someone needs to hand him an aspirin cause he's bound to have a headache.

what else? i'm not sure what else. i'll see how next week goes.

Posted by brooke at 06.28.48 PM

April 18, 2002
birkies

see that, up there? its a birkenstock. to be specific, it is a patent leather boston clog birkenstock.

last halloween i was supposed to go to a fetish night. but i couldn't think of a fetish i had. dummy me. i had my fetish on my feet.

birkenstocks. yes. i will go to goodwill, st. vinnies, and salvation army for my clothes.. but my shoes.. my shoes i will spend no less than $80.00 (80.00 if i'm way lucky) on.

its my dads fault. yes dad, its your fault. he started wearing birkenstocks, oh goodness... a long long time ago (well, at least in terms of *my* life). i got my first pair when i was in 7th grade. they were exactly like a pair of dads. i'm not sure what happened to them. dad, you have them. yes, you. i gave them to you before i moved out here to get resoled. they're probably in the basement. at least i think so, i know i didn't throw them away. but in 7th grade i didn't get hooked. i'm not sure when exactly i got hooked. i don't think it was until college.

yes, not until college. sometime after i got hooked on tevas. yeah, i think i migrated from tevas. tevas--- the ultimate river sandal. i still have tevas. tevas-- the best sandal for walking around oregon during the spring. its warm enough for no socks and yet its still rainy. great for jumping in puddles with. great for walking along the beach with. great for walking along the river in. yeah, tevas. and it definetly makes sense that i'd go from softer sandals, to hard core sandles. you know, the expensive ones. you know, hard core sandals.. the kind that cost a lot, the kind you gotta take care of, the kind you find yourself going through pockets of clothes to see if you can find $$ to buy. you know what i mean. i'm sure you do.

so now. now i'm a hard core birkenstock wearer. my dress shoes are long gone. no, if i have any "flats" i don't know where they are. i now buy "dress birkies." yeah, i've got 2 pairs of covered birkies. one pair that doesn't get worn very often. and then one pair, well.. i've got a pair of bostons that aren't exactly dress. but i could possibly wear them as dress.. but those up there.. the patent leather ones.. now *those* would be the ultimate in dress birkentstocks.

yeah. i can't help myself. a new pair of birkies. nothing beats it. the hard sole.. its uncomfortable at first. stiff. i love it. i love knowing that a *brand new* pair of birkenstocks is under my feet. i love that feeling. but of course i also love the feeling of a well worn pair. my feet slide in so easily. the soles of my feet meeting the soles of the sandals. old friends meeting after a long parting.

*happy sigh*

Posted by brooke at 11.19.46 AM

gardening.

i just can't seem to get in my mind to write. i'm not sure whats up. burn out? maybe? i think its more a sense of over exposure. thats what my body is telling me these days. i've laid myself out here, and right now, well. i'm feeling out there. its time to cover myself up. *sigh* i dunno. all i know is that i don't feel like writing, and i hate it. because it brings me joy, and right now i can't. i can't get a thought out. something is stopping them.

anyhow. on the way up to work this morning was thinking about 9/11 and how our lives will never ever be the same. none of our lives. not my life, not your life. not her life. i worry about that one. thats what i thought about as i drove up this morning.

i've not been much the activist lately. i've not been yelling from this website like i've done in the past. yesterday i did get a poster with a barbara lee quote on it. barbara lee was the only congress person to vote against bombing afghanistan. it says something along the lines of "let us not become the evil that we so deplore." i put it up in my livingroom window facing out so that others might be able to see it. its the only political thing i've done in ages, besides signing iniative petitions.

i'm not sure what i'm getting at. i'm just rambling. but this morning, this morning as i was driving up, listening to the gardener cd,

"This planting of seeds is more subtle than it first appears
its not just about a dollar to the homeless man
it's about perceiving what's happening in this very moment
and then deliberately choosing to extend love

It's really hard not to go where my whims urge me to go
but I know what sort of person I'm longing to become
if I want to help anybody in the world before I die
if I want the suffering all around me to subside
I have got to be more conscious of the things I do and don't do
every little seed in time will flower
plant the ones that lead me down a path towards really helping
I am the garden but I'm also the gardener"

my mind kept going to 9/11 and what she wrote the other day about not being able to sleep. and the question of "what can i do to help?" i dunno what i'm getting at. i'm rambling. anyhow. i guess my point is this. i'm trying to be a better person, and personal stories are getting at me. and faith, your story of what you continue to go through gets to me more than you could imagine, and i thank you for sharing it with us all. i know how hard it is.

Posted by brooke at 08.50.18 AM

April 16, 2002
dad/grandad

2 generations of robertshaws. i came out of the womb and they all said.. "she looks just like al (my grandfather)".. i'm growing up and i swear, somedays, i look at myself in the mirror and i look exactly like harry, my father. guess who is who :).

Posted by brooke at 03.06.02 PM

lisa

i guess i should do this. get all mushy and shit. i get that way sometimes.

i guess i should "pay tribute"? no. agh. thats a bad way to put it.

anyhow. there's this chick. yeah. she lives here. well, in actuality, she lives here, but that site is just so crappy, so i like to think she lives at the first site, because the first site i linked to was actually done by her. the second site.. well, there's a story that goes with that. just one story out of many that if asked, might leave one of the two of us on the floor laughing so hard we might just pee in our pants. well, at least me. i really shouldn't speak for her.

anyhow. saturday the 13th was her birthday. and i should have written something really sweet about how much i adore her and all that, like i write about others on their birthday. but i was lazy. i think she can appreciate that.. i was also trying to figure out what to do with this space. and right now i'm avoiding getting to work on a new application in domino designer, so i figured i should do this.

so, lisa. yeah. lisa. she's lisa. hmm.. how to explain lisa.

JustLisa is a mom, a lover (and a fighter), a faithful friend, an oppressor of evil, a champion of many causes, and copyrighted 1998-2002

see, she does it pretty well herself, don't you think?

without getting too deep.

i've not met her face to face, but i still love her like i love any friend. sounds weird, but thats okay. i don't care how it sounds. because i know what i know. i know she's a good friend, and i know she entertains me, and i know she challenges me to be a better person everyday. and i know she's thoughtful, and kind, and all the things that my crazy mixed-up-self could ask for in a friend, and more.

so, its a few days late. and my birthday gifts, well, i need to get to the post office. cause i've got things to send. anyhow, lisa dear. happy birthday. :)

Posted by brooke at 10.05.13 AM

April 15, 2002
monday

okay, so i'm not in the mood these days to do any major deep writing. but i feel i shouls continue to write something every day.

i've been spending time with my friend gl these days. gl is a poet/writer/fat activist extraordinaire. i'm hoping she'll let me feature one of her poems here every week, until we get her up and running. she's a published writer, and likes the idea of free poetry. she's the one who introduced me to alix olson. she had alix perform after her group "the fierce pussy posse caberet" at mother kalis.

what else? i'm spending a lot of time thinking about my head and the drugs i'm putting into my body that affect it. i'm currently taking 2 anti-depressants (celexa and anafranil) and 1 mood stabilizer (topamax) to help the anti-depressants do their work. they aren't doing as well as we hoped they would, so i'm headed off to another psychiatrist for a consultation. my therapist is starting to remind me that some people don't always respond to drugs. anyhow.

what else? oh yeah. this site works best in netscape 6.1 and up. i prefer netscape, not ie. though i'm sure it'll look just fine in ie 5.5. i'm learning style sheets, FINALLY. i've been avoiding learning them.. well, RE learning them. i knew them awhile ago. but then i forgot them. so, now i'm RE learning them. 3 years later. so, i test things, at home in nn 6.1.

Posted by brooke at 08.26.08 PM

April 14, 2002
and thus starts anew..

*peek*

new digs.

new title.

*looking down*

hmm...

*same tits*

okay. yep. start anew. one day, yeah. one day rivervision will rise again. but i've got way to much to figure out. re: i'm still trying to figure it out. what out? IT out! WHAT IT!

these days its been my brain's neurochemistry.

sometimes its how america can be so stupid to have someone like gw bush in office.

other days that it is how my lily cat can be so fat, yet max cat can be so thin.

so. this is it. at least for now. i know i'm also still trying to figure out a new design. but this is it for now. welcome. to the new digs. at least new for now. while i'm working on better ideas.

Posted by brooke at 10.47.40 PM