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agh..
so. hmm...
i've crashed again. i predicted it was coming last week. my therapist always hates it when i predict crashes. she says it will happen if i predict it. i simply say i'm catching it.
so, my personal life is being caught up in this crash. and today i talked to my marsha about it all.
oh goodness.. this is so hard to talk about in a public forum. i want to write about it, but this is public, and people read it, people in my personal life read it. so how to write about it all?
hmm... i want to have a relationship with person a. re: a lover relationship with person a. i don't want to have a lover relationship with person b. and person b doesn't want to have a lover relationship with me either. but in so many ways for me person b is much more comfortable for me than person a. i know the parameters in which she moves about, i'm more comfortable with women who fall into the category of women that women that person b falls into. are you following? i've never been comfortable with the group of people that person a falls into, but i'm desperately trying, because i really like her.
but see.. so there it is mysteriously spelled out and on top of all that i'm crashed, hovering near the bottom and because of the way i'm acting, at this point i'm not even sure if person a wants to have a realtionship with me anymore.
and on top of all that i'm also dealing with other things about being on disalibity and other personal shit that i'm not about to go into in this public forum.
i guess this is all good for me. i'm being pushed out of comfort zones. i'm being pushed into new territories. i'm being pushed into old territories and i'm seeing it coming, and others are seeing it. and hopefully i'll learn a lot of new things from it all, ya know? and hopefully there will be no bodies left behind. hopefully what will end up being is strong relationships with both person a and person b, relationships where all 3 of us feel comfortable in the push and pull that goes on. equal loving relationships.
so, i think thats all i'll say. i have to be up early in the morning. i thought i was walking in the eugene celebration parade tommorrow, but i never heard the where and when of meeting, so i'm just watching. hopefully i'll run into miriam and her friend c.. i've crashed and i could really use a hug from her, she gives some of the best hugs i've had in a while. i'm picking up liz between 6.45 and 7, the parade starts at 8. i've got my camera ready to take pictures. so, i'll be taking pictures of the nursery and pflag, and some other interesting floats.
so, on that note, i'm outta here.
Posted by brooke at September 20, 2002 09.50.09 PM
