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09.11.2001
september 11, 2001
i've been in a daze all day today. i heard the news 30 minutes after it happened. i thought that npr was broadcasting something to prepare us for something like this to happen.. a kind of war of the worlds. i didn't want to be sucked in, i didn't want to believe it, i didn't want to be fooled like so many had been when that was broadcast.
then our local station cut in. jenny knutzen, the familiar voice of my morning drive. she said that they were going to be cutting back to the npr network, and that local news may or may not be broadcast.. thats when i started to realize that this was truth.
by the time i arrived at work my thoughts had turned to the people that i knew that are in the city. my stepsister, john, tony, my cousin, ariel and big zack. by the time i left work i'd heard about my stepsister, and my other stepsister who i didn't know was in the city.. i'd talked to john, and tony-- he couldn't call out, but his dsl worked. i was almost all relieved.
i left work early today, i had a drs appt. i was glad to get out of there. i was glad to be able to not sit in front of a computer, glad to be able to not be around so many people and to be able to control what i heard.
i danced from place to place to place. i called people i love and care for, i wanted to make sure they were okay. al, he's fine.. but he might have to go to work. amber, she's fine, she's in shock. my dad is fine. he was on a plane, i didn't know that. he was on his way to pittsburgh.. it turned around, went back to roanoke, he went home. mom, mom is okay.. mom is always okay. mom and dad both talked to zack, he's okay. zack found out that ariel and big zack are okay. and my cousin, she can see the smoke, but she, her daughter, her mother.. they are all fine.
i went from my drs office, to mother kalis, to home, to janelle's, to lunch, back home, to janelles, back to mother kalis, to my neighbors and finally home. a day that has gone to slow, a day i don't remember, i just know that today happened.
i called my therapist. i asked her if my feelings were normal. i asked her if my shock and tears were okay. she said that anyone with a social conscious would be disturbed, that my reaction was normal, that i wasn't the only one feeling this.
i left mother kalis tonight, i had parked in the basement, i rode the elevator, i tried to imagine what it might have been like to be in an elevator in the world trade towers, i tried to imagine how i'd feel if i felt the box all of a sudden starting to shake, and if it stopped and wasn't destroyed, what it must have been like to not be able to get out. and then when it started to collapse, the uncontrollable feeling.. did they feel anything? or was it too fast?
i'm home now. i've taken twice the xanax that i normally take, i took a seroquel, that will guarantee me some sleep tonight.
i'm scared, and i don't know why. i don't feel threatened. i just know i'm scared. and i hope i'll be able to sleep tonight. i hope i'll be able to sit still at work tommorrow. i hope i'll be able to get much needed work done.
but tommorrow worn't be normal either. hopefully shock will stop. hopefully i'll be able to start speaking my mind. hopefully when i talk about it i won't be on the verge of tears. hopefully i'll be able to keep my emotions in better check.
right now, i just hope that there is no more violence. i'm tired of it. i'm scared of what is next. i'm scared that there will be more violence. i'm scared that muslims and arabs will be singled out in their communities. i'm scared that we will only continue this circle of violence, and i know that won't accomplish anything, because the one solid, real thing that i know today, is that violence does not beget peace. violence only begets violence.
please make it stop, now.
Replies: 2 comments
Everyone feels this way. Sadness and anger and grief for what has happened, a secret relief that you're OK and so are your friends and family, and guilt for that relief. And most of all fear that it's going to start the next war, maybe even against a country that had nothing to do with it.
I'm praying, even though I'm not sure who to any more.
Posted by Beth @ 09/13/2001 01:20 AM PST
I'm scared too... scared of the world, scared of what will happen next, of what our retaliation could lead to. Scared for the people who are still trapped, the people who lost loved ones. It is awful beyond belief. I just wanted to post this to send you a virtual hug, and let you know that you're not the only one feeling this way. I think the whole country is.
Posted by Kassia @ 09/12/2001 02:14 PM PST
