1.13.2001 about not feeling good yes, if you ever talk to me and you hear me refer to being sick, i'm talking about my depression.. even though the government and the insurance companies don't believe it (any mental illness) is as serious of an illness as a physical illness (though i don't like that phrasing, because depression (at least mine) is physical).. it is still an illness.. its not just about trying to be happy, or the ol' infamous phrase "can't you just be happy??".. no, i can't. its not like that. so i've gotten to the point where i just talk about being sick again, and again, and again, and again.... its an awful awful disease.. i've refered to it, and have heard others refer to it, as cancer of the mind. if you've ever experienced a major, or severe depression you'll understand. maybe even those who have experienced mild to moderate would understand it.. i can't say, because i feel great relief when mine is mild to moderate. so, i'll tell you this.. my cats are great.. i can't say enough wonderful things about these three beings. even when things are going well they are 3 of the greatest gifts i could ever be given... and now, now that i'm sick again.. they become my little watch cats. esp. the often stoic one, max. max comes and stands around me, watches me. curls up with me. stands vigilant. its such a wonderful thing. this cat knows whats going on and comes through for me. all that until i tell him i know what he's doing.. then he gets this attitude of "what, me? no." and he jumps away and goes off into his own world. but he always comes back. *grin* he came through for me last time, and he's doing it again. and finally, a bit o' matthew kahler.. matthew kahler is an acoustic musician from the atlanta scene.. at one point i had his cd, my own medicine, but it got lost along with a lot of other wonderful cds from that scene. anyone know where i can get my hands on a copy? i miss it, terribly. anyhow, i do have a tape of a few songs of his.. and this comes from the song, spring forward, fall back.. it is quite approrpriate. (note, i transcribed it.. so maybe its not punctuated properly): Well, I know that you're hurt and you sure don't deserve all the things that you been going through, but its bound to get better for somebody special like you. I said try to be happy, try not to let it get you down now. Cry if you have too, momma, why don't you punch that pain around? I said PUNCH IT and KICK IT and SLAP THAT PAIN aaaarrrrrrrroooooouuuuuunnndddd. i wish i could digitize it and put it here. it sound so much better than it looks. well, max is now on my lap.. what a terribly sweet boy he is. are there three cats more loved in this world? i can't imagine so. -mbr, brooke@rivervision.com posted by m. brooke r 9:11 PM --------------------------- 1.12.2001 quoteable me every now and then i say something that impresses me (which is hard to do).. on the web list that i'm on, wise women, someone started an off topic thread about beauty. i said this: "most women simply don't know how beautiful they are.. we are taught that we have to do so much to be beautiful.. when simply all we have to do is be ourselves and others will see it." -me (m. brooke robertshaw) hope this finds everyone well.. kaycee is feeling better.. thank goddess.. and thanks al for your kind response to my email. -mbr, brooke@rivervision.com posted by m. brooke r 3:37 PM --------------------------- 1.11.2001 .. this blog is on temporary hold.. i don't talk about it, but i suffer from depression.. pretty bad depression at that.. right now its got its ugly hold on me, again.. so, if i'm not posting its cause i'm just not feeling up too it. i'm simply trying to get to work every day, making sure my cats and i are fed and otherwise healthy, and getting to the few obligations i have in eugene. and no, i'm not going to talk about it.. because its an intensely personal and private matter. not even with my family or friends. do check back, because you never know. -brooke.. hoping to return to her normal programming asap. -mbr, brooke@rivervision.com posted by m. brooke r 12:56 PM --------------------------- 1.9.2001 i will never speak in public ever again without writing everything that i want to say down word for word.. i spoke at the 4j meeting about why they should ban the boy scouts from the schools and i made a complete ass of myself. *argh* never ever again will i go that unprepared. -mbr, brooke@rivervision.com posted by m. brooke r 7:30 PM --------------------------- btw, again al.. i was looking at your entry today again.. i must say you need to be nicer to yourself.. you have a waaay stressful job.. you are a father, a husband, a friend to many. give yourself a break, okay? -mbr, brooke@rivervision.com posted by m. brooke r 2:29 PM --------------------------- okay things are better.. i might start posting? discovered the feminist blog yesterday.. i think katilinne and her writings will inspire me to write more about feminism here. afterall i do advertise myself as being a radical lesbian feminist so i really should write more about that, eh? here's a beginning.. body image is a big thing.. with me and with the vast majority of women. this spring an acquaintence of mine introduced me to rebecca riots, an acoustic trio from berkeley, ca. all wimmin, of course. anyhow, on the first cd i bought of theirs-- "some folks" -- i discovered this song: Women's Bodies by Eve Decker / Rebecca Riots (www.rebeccariots.com) c 1998 A piece of the history of Western Civilization is that women were permanent children under the law You went from your father to your husband and you had no rights at all Does it strike you as connected to this piece of our past that the women of today we hold up as ideal are without exception small, slender and youthful No room for variation, no room to heal. Chorus: Don't teach me to hate my body I'm a woman I've been around a while Don't teach me to hate my body I have a woman's body not a child's I stopped watching television and looking at magazines But I still feel oppressed by our culture's expectations of me Don't put me on a metal scale and tell me I'm not small enough With furrowed brow you imply that if I'm not small I won't be loved. (Chorus) Lets look at the roots of this sickly tree We're livin' in the branches of 5000 years of patriarchy Don't let it hypnotize you remove yourself from the scene Your body's beautiful the problem is the context we've been in To be independent, strong and big threatens the status quo It's only been 75 years since women had the vote The laws have changed misogyny went underground Anytime you hate your body society's doing just fine Keeping you down (Chorus) hmm.. maybe i'll start tackling other topics.. like what do i mean by the term radical lesbian feminist? .. sometimes i don't even know. and maybe i'll also touch on my thoughts on lesbian feminism and the general gay rights movement.. and then stuff about women and the gay rights movement.. all, of course, my observations.. but maybe i'll do some research too. i know alix dobkin has some good stuff out there. btw, on another note.. i took the temperament sorter over at keirsey.com.. interesting.. i ended up being an ISFJ.. re: a protector guardian. from the write up about the protector guardian (from http://www.keirsey.com/personality/sjif.html): "Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They go about their task of caretaking modestly, unassumingly, and because of this their efforts are not sometimes fully appreciated. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Providers [ESFJs], except with close friends and relatives. With these they can chat tirelessly about the ups and downs in their lives, moving (like all the Guardians) from topic to topic as they talk over their everyday concerns. However, their shyness with strangers is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth these Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need. Their quietness ought really to be seen as an expression, not of coldness, but of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. Like all the Guardians, ISFJs have a highly developed puritan work ethic, which tells them that work is good, and that play must be earned-if indulged in at all. The least hedonic of all types, Protectors are willing to work long, long hours doing all the thankless jobs the other types seem content to ignore. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for Protectors. When they undertake a task, they will complete it if at all humanly possible; and they know the value of material resources and abhor the squandering or misuse of these resources. Protectors are quite content to work alone; indeed, they may experience some discomfort when placed in positions of authority, and may try to do everything themselves rather than insist that others do their jobs." sounds like me.. hmm.. maybe i'll talk to someone about taking the actual test.. that and an IQ test.. took one of those recently, on the web of course, and folks said it was pretty right on.. mine was kinda high.. hmm.. it would be nice to get that verification.. but if its wrong, what a let down.. hey al, i know you read this.. hang in there.. sounds like things are tough right now at work.. wish i could zap you a vacation.. would if i could. -mbr, brooke@rivervision.com posted by m. brooke r 12:12 PM --------------------------- 1.8.2001 no, still no posts for a loong time.. not sure if anyone is actually reading this space.. and for now i just don't have much to say to entertain myself with.. so i'm not posting right now. i went to the coast again on saturday, it was nice. the cats are fine. tommorrow 4j will hear all about why they should ban the boy scouts from eugene public schools. and they'll probably also get an earful about why they shouldn't ban the hateful, ignorant boy scouts. saturday was also the first anniversary of my grandfathers death... life after death, it does exist. see, now my grandmother is dead, and my grandfather has been dead and we've all been alive.. we're all living our lives. so for those of you who don't believe in life after death-- everyone who is reading this (if anyone is..) is proof. thats all for now.. maybe i'll post tommorrow, maybe i won't. btw, al-- glad you had a better night last night. -mbr, brooke@rivervision.com posted by m. brooke r 3:35 PM ---------------------------

archives links about me: who am i? more about me sites i read daily: salon.com cnn.com usenet: rec.boats.paddle usenet: soc.women.lesbian-and-bi stuff i read weekly: the eugene weekly (i usually read this in print) the village voice other important sites: mother kalis books rainy day records population, environment, abortion, religion, and fatherhood alix olson wnba the equality project gay, lesbian, straight education network pflag american whitewater ms. magazinebr> off our backs "Finally Free" Personal Stories on Ex-Gay Ministries (this is a pdf file) wise women other web logs i read the feminist blog living colours viewfromtheheart « webloggers »