rivervision

I stopped at a red light on Mass. Ave.
in Boston, a couple blocks away
from the bridge, and a woman in a beat-up
old Buick backed into me. Like, cranked her wheel,
rammed right into my side. I drove a Chevy
pickup truck. It being Boston, I got out
of the car yelling, swearing at this woman,
a little woman, whose first language was not English.
But she lived and drove in Boston, too, so she knew,
we both knew, that the thing to do
is get out of the car, slam the door
as hard as you fucking can and yell things like What the fuck
were you thinking? You fucking blind? What the fuck
is going on? Jesus Christ! So we swore
at each other with perfect posture, unnaturally angled
chins. I threw my arms around, sudden
jerking motions with my whole arms, the backs
of my hands toward where she had hit my truck.

But she hadn’t hit my truck. She hit
the tire; no damage done. Her car
was fine, too. We saw this while
we were yelling, and then we were stuck.
The next line in our little drama should have been
Look at this fucking dent! I’m not paying for this
shit. I’m calling the cops, lady. Maybe we’d throw in a
You’re in big trouble, sister, or I just hope for your sake
there’s nothing wrong with my fucking suspension, that
sort of thing. But there was no fucking dent. There
was nothing else for us to do. So I
stopped yelling, and she looked at the tire she’d
backed into, her little eyebrows pursed
and worried. She was clearly in the wrong, I was enormous,
and I’d been acting as if I’d like to hit her. So I said
Well, there’s nothing wrong with my car, nothing wrong
with your car…are you OK? She nodded, and started
to cry, so I put my arms around her and I held her, middle
of the street, Mass. Ave., Boston, a couple blocks from the bridge.
I hugged her, and I said We were scared, weren’t we?
and she nodded and we laughed.

Jill McDonough is a Stegner Fellow in Poetry at Stanford. Salt Publishing is releasing her first book of poems, Habeas Corpus, this spring.

originally from the threepenny review. i found it through @maddow (the rachel maddow show on twitter) and wanted it some place where i could find it again.

i wasn’t in church on sunday, but i heard that pastor p. mentioned stonewall in his sermon. not a big mention, but a (positive) mention nonetheless.

here’s our email exchange about it:

From: Brooke
To: Pastor P.
Subject: i heard you mentioned stonewall in your sunday sermon - true?

p -
i heard you mentioned stonewall in your sunday sermon. true? if so, thanks.

thx,
brooke.

———————————-

From: Pastor P.
To: Brooke
Subject: Re: i heard you mentioned stonewall in your sunday sermon - true?

There was a line that mentioned stonewall, yes.

No thanks necessary.

Peace,

P.

———————————-

From: Brooke
To: Pastor P.
Subject: Re: i heard you mentioned stonewall in your sunday sermon - true?
> No thanks necessary.

yes, it is. for years i was told that Christianity wasn’t available to me by people like john & anne giminez, my grandmother (a follower of theirs), etc..l because i believed in things like a woman’s right to choose and then crap was added on when i came out [new readers, i am bisexual].. along with liberals telling me that religion was crap, and then the mormons who i had to fight on the queer issue from day one..

to me every time you positively mention something like stonewall, in church, it is a reminder that Christianity is available to me. further that you are willing to take a risk with more conservative members of the congregation to extend a welcome to people that many Christians would rather not be welcomed is quite a profound, and quietly revolutionary, act. so yes, paul, it is necessary to thank you.

-brooke.

my knees hurt after some intense hiking-for-me. it’s going to suck in the morning and i wonder if i’m going to have to go down the stairs to the door to my apt on my butt — i hope not. i don’t think that this is supposed to be like this. they’ve been giving me problems for awhile like this. i think it’s time to go to student health and get someone to check them out.

on the other hand i do have a very wicked chac0 tan. it’s been developing but picking up trash saturday in logan canyon and spending many hours in the sun, in the desert @ 6000 ft, it is quite dark. a summer in eugene and i’m lucky if it gets this intense. its nice to look at my feet and see it, because it reflects that i’ve been outdoors. yep yep.

i forgot. on sunday new york city will celebrate 40 years since the stonewall rebellion. i don’t like violence, but this violence spurred a movement that has since saved countless lives from ending in suicide. i wish we could say that these suicides have ended, but i will say that things have gotten better.

in the 15 years since i began identifying as queer (technically i’m bisexual, but i hate that word) things have gotten better. i remember when ellen came out on her show and will and grace started. i was lucky to have come out in atlanta. i bought my first literature at charis books and more and also spent lots of time at outwrite books. one of the highlights of my very first pride celebration was getting to hear coretta scott king speak. if you celebrate dr. king and his legacy you must embrace the fact that this was a man who truly believed in rights for all of us, not just the few - you have too, or else you are not honoring his memory.

i believe that things will only continue to get better. i believe that in my near lifetime that my church will approve ordination of gay and lesbian pastors, teachers in public schools will be able to be out, and the numbers of suicides caused by the shame that so many people feel because they continued to be taught that they are not okay will go down. i even believe that people who run organizations like focus on the family, the lds church, and the oregon family council will come to realize how wrong they are and that God really is a God of peace and love and that he sent his Son, Jesus Christ, here to remind us that everyone is a part of His Kingdom. then this issue of marriage will no longer be an issue and the suicide rate of young queer kids will be 0. what a great day that will be. i can’t wait to celebrate that.

the verb thing. ya know? i like this verb thing of erin & her ma.

lets see. i think the lesson that maybe i’m trying to learn is - do what i love and the people will follow. i’m concerned about $, but that’s secondary. go outdoors - if people wanna come - that’s okay, but if i love being outdoors in their own right then it won’t matter if people join me. today i went into logan canyon to pick up trash with the northern utah climbers coalition. everytime i go up there i remember how beautiful it is and wonder why i don’t spend more time in the canyon. after all it is all of 10 minutes from my home by car.

after the canyon i went and picked up climbing shoes - after walking around the market for just a bit. then i went to the gym and tried out the new shoes. yes, they work nicely. and they were 20% off. so, i got a good deal for a pair of shoes. i only spent about 20 minutes - but that’s okay. now i’m home hanging with the creatures and watching tv (yes, i do love tv) and sending emails to a few people i love and adore.

tomorrow i’m going to city of rocks with friends (i invited myself) and then monday i should go out and hang with the ibis at the wetlands. i think sunday night i’ll send out a mass text to see if anyone wants to join me at the ibis - but if no one does i’ll go and enjoy myself. tuesday i’m hoping my friend jn and i will go climbing. she’s been a couple of times - but really my point is to get her time away from her kids. she needs a break. i need to connect with adults and so does she - so we’ll connect with each other. if jn can’t go on tuesday i’ll probably just go and work on traverses and play in the bouldering room. just working my body.

so yeah. do what i love and people will follow.. or not. yeah, if they don’t follow i’ll be lonely, but i think it’s better to be doing what i love and be lonely than stewing in my juices and being lonely too.

right now it’s time for me to water bathe. this morning i bathed in the sun in the canyon - and have a bit o sunburn to prove it. i do love the sun of this area. so intense - it’s good for me.

yes, i am. obviously - the post below.. coconut bliss.. *sigh* their offices are in my old neighborhood. –> the whiteaker. i really loved living in the whit.

and seeing people tweet about a tweetup at country fair.. makes me wish i could go to fair for a day, if only to be able experience the feeling of breathing completely freely for the day.. the kind of breathing that only comes when i feel like i can relax and be fully myself.

and as i move about logan i’m doing that thing where i think i see someone from eugene in the periphery of my vision.

logan is so difficult for me. incredibly difficult. i’m beginning to really think that moving here was a huge mistake. i was just starting to feel my feet underneath me and truly healthy for the first time in my adult life right before i moved here. my gut told me it was going to be a mistake when i did this move, but i ignored it. my gut then told me that it was a huge mistake to join the mormon church, but i ignored it again. i came to regret joining the lds church after about a year and a half and now i’m beginning to wonder about logan and pursuing this phd and if my gut was right on this too. i’m beginning to doubt that my health really is worth getting this degree. i’m forever telling people that their health is more important than everything else.. i’m thinking i need to start listening to myself.. see if there are jobs for me back in eugene. other people can make it there, why can’t i? *sigh*

on that note, i’m still obligated here and i have 23.5 hours to get a couple of more close-ended TPACK questions written.

*note. this post comes across as though there is nothing here in logan. yes, i have been blessed by finding many good people here who seem to continue to give a crap about me even though i’ve been sludging through hell for the whole of the time that many have known me. for them i am incredibly blessed. i just think that my health would have stayed in remission if i hadn’t left eugene - which right now would be a much more pleasant existence for me.

ps. sorry to be such a downer these days.

coconut bliss.. it really is (trust me, i was lucky enough to be able to eat this stuff when they first started. find it in your local natural foods section).

• i wrote a draft of a close ended question to measure change in TPACK tonight. i ran the idea by one of my committee members and he liked it. i hope my chair likes it too. i feel a bit smart now.

• i would like a pug. i hung out with bubba the pug tonight and that little creature really is just pure joy. apparently all pugs are like this.  of course i’d have to get a pug puppy so that she learns that max-cat is the boss around here.

• i got a lot of work done tonight, while getting to hang with my friend the g’s. i really do <3 the g’s. and s.g. has done such a good job raising her kids and so i really do enjoy hanging out with them too (they are teens). i also got to hear a little bit more about their research and i may may may get to do some work with them at some point (they are in the same college, but different department. r.g. is on my committee). i’d love to have the chance to even volunteer with them just so i can learn from even more people how to do research. the profs i get to work with rock, but every chance i get to learn something more from a different angle is a good thing.

• i would like to go climbing tomorrow. i probably won’t get too, but i would like to nonetheless.

• on that note, i need to go to bed. i’ve been either getting up near the crack of dawn because i have to or sleeping waay to late (i got up at 10.30 on friday for an 11am meeting, and 9.45 for 10.30 church. i usually get up 2 hours before i need to be anywhere or do anything productive) it’s midnight now and i have to email my doc by noon and it takes me at least an hour to fall asleep. i have to email her to let her know how things are. yes, my health is so bad that she wants me to check in with her via email. if she doesn’t get an email from me she tracks me down. i don’t want her to have to do that.

i guess a day of boating at the wetlands to the ibis rookery and then going climbing at the gym is a good way to spend the birthday of a young woman who i never got to meet, but who i’ve come to admire through the words of her mother. from everything vickie has written this would have been a very erin kind of day.

i started out going flatwater boating with a few people from first presby. i’d never paddled out to the ibis rookery and it was simply lovely. we passed pelicans and carp on the way out there. i wish i’d had more time just to sit among all the birds. i’ll go back really soon.

while i was out on the water my friend j sent me a text. rockhaus @ 3pm? i was going to work all afternoon, but i’m not one to turn down a trip to the gym. so i sent a message back - yes, but i’m tired b/c of boating, so easy climbing for me!

in between i went to the market, ate lunch and too much ice cream, and now i’m going to close my eyes for a bit. i didn’t sleep well last night. i sent vickie an email last night letting her know i was praying for her today. nope, i’ve never met her - but she’s been incredibly kind to me during a time when i desperately need as much kindness as i can get.

this week was better than last, but still rough. my doc is having me do some incredibly hard work to try to heal. my pastor then echoes this hard work i should be doing (without knowing it) when i talk with him. as i was going to bed last night i really just wanted to yell at both of them about how tired i am of working this hard, and how i’m just so f’in tired these days because of it i’m not getting much school / work-work done. but i won’t because i know that both of them do care about me and are only doing what they believe is best for me.

anyhow, if you think of it - drop in and say hi to vickie, walter and davis. it’s erin’s first birthday since they lost her. i can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it may be for them.

i still need to write a report about the pride festival last weekend. sorry i’ve not gotten around to doing that. the rough week is to blame. i’ll get around to that later today, or tomorrow.

right now i’m enjoying the first willy wonka movie, made when johnny depp was just 8 years old and 2 years before i was born. i do like this version much better - maybe because i’m old, or just that depp’s portrayal of willy wonka is just creepy. i’m also enjoying another cup of coffee (or espresso? i don’t think it’s espresso, just made with a stove top espresso maker). i’ll clean later and work too.

but, rest asurred, i’ve not been lazy. i’ve already stopped by church and helped out a wee bit on moving things into the new kitchen. i’ve only been at fpc for a year (it’ll be a year next sunday) but it’s been awfully fun to see the remoddleing being done. it seems as though each time i’ve walked into the building over the last year something has changed. today i got to ride in the elevator for the first time. pastor paul’s father will certainly enjoy it. the chair lift that he’s been riding for the last 2 years is just unpleasant and reports i’ve heard is that he’s gotten stuck in it. so, yeah.

i’ve also stopped by the market, in the rain. i usually run into a few friends, but today there were so few people there because of the rain - that logan is not used too!

so, yeah. later today i’ll write up a report on pride.