gone.

She left peacefully in her sleep Saturday night. I didn’t make it to say good-bye in person. Please keep my sister-friend Melissa’s daughter K in your prayers.

I love you Melissa. Thank you for being my friend.

a little light.

chair just told me that i don’t need to write a discussion chapter for my dissertation, that i just need to write a conclusion. why? because i have 2 research phases that include a discussion. that means there’s an end in sight because the conclusion is about 1/2 way done. some light in this dark week. thank God.

oh that and my 1 hour long conversation with my blessed and amazing friend Jen, who, God willing, I get to see SUNDAY night, at her home, in Eugene. she speaks activism, and emotions. one sentence we’re talking about “is the black block a part of occupy eugene?” and the next sentence “so, how is xx dealing with his bipolar?”.. i can’t wait. i’m so glad i know her, and sue, and melissa. if you knew them you’d be glad you knew them too.

hard.

i nearly quit this stupid dissertation. i’ve had it with all the bs that goes in to it. i’ve spent a lot of time pulling myself up from the pits. i’ve spent a lot of energy continuing to move forward. i got some feedback the other day that pushed me over the edge. it was the kind of feedback that was supposed to be helpful but wasn’t explanatory. it was feedback on a part of this thing that i’ve struggled with, a lot. i’ve fought with this part, i’ve read and talked and asked for individual lectures and taken notes on those individual lectures. i’ve gotten understandings in the middle of the night. the problem is, i still can’t do it. i can’t wrap my head around it. this shit is hard.

on top of the pile of shit that is my dissertation is everything else. it’s melissa dying. dammit, melissa is dying. it’s feeling taken advantage of. it’s feeling misunderstood. it’s loneliness. it’s hearing people make social plans around me and knowing i’m not included. it’s feeling like i’m just someone people put up with rather than someone people actually want around. it’s knowing i’m not anyone’s primary concern, that i’m not anyone’s primary person. it’s dad’s death. it’s letting down people, constantly. it’s so much more that people just can’t understand. and it’s reaching the end of my rope and having the dissertation on top of it all.

yeah, yeah. this is all feeling sorry for myself and crap, but i don’t care. people don’t know half the crap i carry. people don’t know what i deal with daily. i don’t tell anyone, i keep it to myself. okay, one other person knows, but they can’t tell anyone. frankly, i get to feel this way, more than i do. or at least more than i tell anyone.

and yeah, i know that people all over the world have it much worse than me. that’s why i hate how hard it is for me. someone with my privilege shouldn’t struggle so much. someone with all i have shouldn’t have to work so hard to get to where i want to be. i have a lot of privilege in this world, even in the US, but it’s so fucking hard. i hate it. i hate how hard it is for me because i want to be helping those who it is even harder for. i want my privilege to work for them, in the way they want it to work for them. i don’t want it to be so hard for me so i can’t help them.

if the weather forecast stays as it is right now i’ll be headed to oregon sunday. i’ll cry a lot. i get to see my friend jen though. and sue. jen is super sarcastic and makes me laugh, a lot. plus she’s got a justice seeking heart, mind and soul, is freakishly smart, and gets me. she misses me too. she’s got cat’s whose crap i don’t have to worry about. i can’t wait to see her, and sue, and melissa. and to enjoy some good hippie cooking. yeah, i plan to eat out, a lot, in the 2 days i’m there. i miss good hippie cooking.

staying.

the weather bites right now. it’s all icey and stuff in the columbia gorge. and it is FINALLY snowing in logan – on saturday night. so we’re going to, God willing, go next week.

oh, and i did 2.5 hours of tae kwon do practice today. good for me, i think.

onward.

work, drive, leave, take.

they are verbs, ala erin & vickie. i figured i should put something here because it’s been 9 days! since i put something here.

the last 9 days have been a haze. i’m busy, really busy. all day monday is science ed class that i’m ta-ing in. tuesdays and thursdays are 7.30-8.20am tae kwan do and then 2.30-3.20pm tai chi. wednesdays are stats days all day. thursdays at 3.30 are another meeting. friday 9.30-10.30 is meeting with my favorite professor to write and research. in between is running stats for some really cool special ed work, mentoring a wonderful doc student, letting my brain take a break, writing my dissertation, reading articles for various things, and trying to get some job apps done. i call this “practicing to be a faculty member.” i’m building my stamina. i’m learning how to use coffee more effectively, and sunflower seeds, and carrots, chocolate, pasta cups, applesauce, and water too.

i’m buying technology like it’s going out of style. that’s what i seem to spend the weekends doing. or the weekdays.. yesterday it was an e-book reader. or, as i like to call it, a pdf reader that is less cumbersome than my computer. i think i like it, but it doesn’t have the smell that books have.. but, when i’m going to work with someone on stats at their house, lugging 50lbs of books around isn’t fun. hopefully this e-book reader will also become my stats library. i’m sad that the big red book – the psychometrics book that gives me some stats street cred – isn’t electronic. it’s a badass book. i’m also sad that i can’t find the HUGE non-parametric/parametric book either. those 2 books are really heavy. to be able to have them on the e-reader, which fits nicely in my pocketbook, would be nice.

on sunday i’m going to oregon. it’ll be a really quick trip. driving sunday, 2 days, driving back. i called my friend and told her i couldn’t wait to see her but i hated the reason i’m going. i’m driving to oregon, with the help of a blessed friend who will be dropped off in the gorge, the last major stop before pdx. it will be nice to have her for the hardest part of the drive, as well as the majority of it. i have errands to do in eugene. i need to bring home tofu pate, yumm! sauce, and books from my favorite used bookstore. i also need to bring home hugs and more recent minds-eye images of a few particular loved ones. most importantly i’ll be leaving a part of me there. *sigh*

death, again. i think this is a good-bye trip. i really fucking hate good-bye trips. i can’t believe this is the second fucking one during this process. stop. just stop. dying. actually, it’s the third one – because visiting my grandfather on 27 december 2009 with my father – i knew i’d never see him alive again. he was 93, not 53, and ready to die, not trying to live long enough to see a daughter graduate from high school.

i know, all this sounds depressing. in between it all i AM learning that i love doing research. i love being in academia. i’m getting to practice being a faculty member not only with everything going on, but with an office as well. i’m not paid, but i’ve been blessed with a really nice office that has a HUGE window. the window overlooks the atrium in the building and people on the other side of the atrium can see right in, but i don’t care. i am also on the top floor and so the glass ceiling lets in even more natural light. it’s letting me get work done, and feel professional, and forget that i’m not being paid.

i’m also getting to do a guest post over on another blog. i’m excited about that. i get to talk about faith issues. i’m a little nervous, but it’s a blog post, but i want it to be good, and the blog, well – it’s someone well known in the faith world.. or at least pretty well known.. at least among the presby usa church. i wonder if he knows i’m episcopalian now? hmm. i should let him know. hahahahaha. i don’t think he’ll mind, bruce reyes-chow is a good guy. i like the way he thinks, i like the way he writes. it’s too bad he left his church and isn’t a pastor anymore, because i know he was a good one. i met him through social media, social media i’m no longer participating in. if you go read his blog, his past posts, i’m sure you’ll like him too. (vickie – you know he was the previous moderator of GA for the PCUSA, right?)

okay. read, write, eat, mentor, clean. that’s what’s on the agenda for the rest of the day.

progress

i got an email from my chair. 2 of the 6 chapters of my dissertation can be sent out to the rest of my committee. she’s got one more in her hands. this means i can write my discussion and conclusion because she likes how i used mixed-methods. *whew*

exercise. (see amazing Vickie B? it’s a verb!)

I got up at 6.30. I made it to Tae Kwan Do class at 7.30. Whoo hoo! I’m not a morning person, but I need to move my body, and Tae Kwan Do is a way of moving my body that I am used to. I am also signed up for a Tai Chi class at 2.30. Maybe that’ll be too much for Tues and Thurs. We’ll see. I’ve also bought a coffee maker for my office. That’s the only way I’m going to pull off everything I need to pull off this semester.

Today is a pain though, because I have a meeting off campus at 12.30. Then another meeting at 4. I’ll survive. I hope.

Now I need to write another cover letter. I’d better get used to it. *sigh* Hopefully it’ll get easier.

Did I mention that I miss my Dad? I miss him so much that I have my office set up so that I can see him at all times. Is that weird? Probably not.

Okay, enough stalling. I have 2 hours to get a draft of this done.

:)

it’ll be quick! but i’m going.

i’m going to Oregon! such a gift my friend LR is giving me. she’s helping me drive most of the way. i’ll drop her off in the gorge (columbia river) on the way and then pick her up on the way back. that’s most of the drive. due to her family constraints we’ll only be gone for 4 days, so 2 days for me in my Eugene, and with my dear sister friend Melissa, but that’s 2 more days than i’d thought. i get to look at her, i get to hug her. i get to shower her with too many “i love yous.” yeah. the added bonus is that i get to see my friend S, her daughter J (who, we hope, will come to Logan for a week of J camp this summer), and hopefully my friend JK too. it’s not enough time in eugene, but it’s time that LR is giving me. i’ll savor it forever.

oh melissa i can’t wait to see you. i wish it weren’t for this reason, but, when push comes to shove, i don’t care. it’s seeing YOU. my dear friend, who i love, and who, when i think about the reason, my stomach tightens up because i love you so much my friend.

bits and pieces

bit one.
today is the first day of classes for what will be, GOD WILLING (DO YOU HEAR THAT GOD???) my last semester as a student. it is also the first day of classes for everyone here at USU, regardless of GRADUATING (WITH A PHD) status.

bit two.
overheard: said by a student teacher. “yeah, the worst thing is that we have to be there by 7am, luckily it’s only one semester.” umm. right. don’t see me using that elementary ed degree, do ya? oh nope. why? because ya gotta be there at 7am EVERY DAY of your career.

piece one.
i’ve signed up for 2 p.e. classes. one meets at 7.30 t/th. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA (see above about early mornings changing a career track). the other at 2.30, t/th. one is a hard style martial arts, the other a soft style. i hope i can handle it, because i want to get in shape this semester.

piece two.
i need to be writing my dissertation, but i found two job postings that i want to apply for. one includes running around to get transcripts. bleh.

bit three.
i found a site where i can get a full version of spss for only 100.00. yeah! i’m off to get it now.

it was a stupid question.

i called my mother, for the second time today, to actually talk to my stepfather. i wanted help with what to do about my mutual fund with the people who charge more to manage the tiny amount than it makes in interest. oh? why my stepfather? because he’s an accounting professor. not because my mother doesn’t know anything about managing money. don’t worry, it wasn’t sexist at all. it was “oh, let me ask your stepfather that question” to which i said “let me just talk to him.” don’t worry, my mother is in no way a shrinking violet. in fact when i got on the phone with my stepfather i made some comment about her being the alpha, to which he heartily agreed.

so, what was the stupid question? the stupid question that this nearly 39 year old asked of her liberal, non-religious, academic, stepfather? i asked him to arrange a marriage for me. ?? yeah. i’m tired of being single. so, i told him that since he’d found my apartment in logan for me, he could easily find me a husband too, eh? i told him i’d be happy with someone muslim, after all, we do worship the same guy. then he said – it’ll have to be hindi. okay, but only if he doesn’t mind having a christian wife. oh, and that whoever they find should know i am the alpha. *nod* .. i did get something from my mother.